THE PENDULUM THEORY REGARDING PARENTING

Most are aware of the pendulum theory.

In 1656 the Dutch scientist Christiaan Huygens built the first pendulum clock. This was a great improvement over existing mechanical clocks; their best accuracy was improved from around 15 minutes deviation a day to around 15 seconds a day. Pendulums spread over Europe as existing clocks were retrofitted with them.  [Wikipedia]

The pendulum is most commonly seen in old ‘Grandfather Clocks’.  The pendulum swings consistently back-and-forth, counting off the seconds.

This image has been borrowed to visualize the extreme swing of change that often occurs in other observable areas.  Today, we’ll apply it to parenting.

Most of these observations within parenting styles are actually quite obvious. 

·         If a person is raised in a very strict environment, then they may have a tendency to raise their own children in a more libertarian one. 

·         If a child is raised in an extreme religious environment, they may deliberately raise their own kids in a freer, less religious one. 

·         If a child is brought up in the midst of poverty, they may become a workaholic devoted to establishing a home that is more capable of providing for any children that might come along. 

We could add to this list ad infinitum.

It must be noted – in addition – that these tendencies are almost always absent of conscious intent or planning.  A person is not aware of this radical change that they’ve adopted in their parenting style.  They are simply responding to the impact their own upbringing had on them and subconsciously trying to create change for their own children. 

It is at least possible that these unconscious yet intended improvements may actually also have a negative impact on their children. 

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If you think about it, there is no attempt in our culture [or likely others] to train couples for the parenting task.  We step into this role with nothing but our own experience and observations – added, of course to the resident wisdom of our spouse.  Plus, it’s a rare couple that sits down to talk or plan how they intend to raise their family. 

As a pastor, I required couples to sit down with me for ten hours to discuss areas that I knew were vital to the health and survival of their marriage.  Most cooperated willingly and found it to be a rewarding experience.  Some just put in the time to meet my requirement.  Some of the areas we discussed were:

o   Do you intend to have children?

o   If so, when do you plan to start this process?

o   How many children do you hope to have?

o   How will you share responsibility when children come along?

o   If you find – down the road – that for some reason you can’t have children, would you consider adoption?

After that we might explore how each was raised and how they can incorporate those different family styles into their own unique plan.  Remember: A marriage is a merging of two distinct family systems!  

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Swinging the pendulum is not necessarily wrong; however, it is best to do it with some knowledge and understanding. 

Wise parents [and parents to be] will:

Ø  Have a discussion about how they were raised and how it might impact their children.

Ø  Talk [hopefully ahead of time] about how roles will be changed and how responsibilities will need to be adapted.

Ø  Set goals for their parenting.

When Debbie and I were dating [back in the 1960’s], we made two primary observations:

1.    We noticed a lot of siblings who seemed to hate each other.  This was characterized by fighting, hateful words and vindictive behavior.

We talked and prayed about it together.  We decided that we wanted any children we had to love each other and treat each other respectfully.  Creating that kind of an environment became primary for us. 

     2.    We noticed that a lot of ‘preacher’s kids’ (PK's) [from our age-group] turned away from Christ after leaving their home!

This became an alarming concern to us since we knew that I was heading into pastoral ministry.  We spent a lot of time talking about how we could raise our kids without having them become bitter against the church.

 We set some guidelines in place that included not talking about church problems in front of the kids.  We also made sure that our comments - made in front of our kids - about church people were positive and affirming. 

 We determined to protect our kids from the effects that evil words and actions had on us. 

     Ø  Pray together about their parenting and pray over and with their kids regularly until they leave home!  This is vitally important for both husband and wife!

Ø  Be involved in a church with an effective children’s and youth ministry. 

There were times that I – unfortunately – had to advise parents to find another church that was doing a better job with youth.  A youth director/pastor can be a dynamic influencer on our adolescents! 

Also, keep in mind that as young teens, our children will be on the look-out for role models!  We prefer that they choose godly examples.  That is more likely to happen if we are actively involved in the life of a vibrant church. 

[AGAIN – If this means changing churches for a season, don’t hesitate to do so.  The life and spiritual health of your children calls for it.  Keep in mind that most American churches are plateaued or in decline.  Find a growing church and become part of it for your children’s sake!]

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KING OF THE UNIVERSE: Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

Rush to the sides of those who are still actively parenting young, developing children!

Grant them wisdom as they fulfill the challenging responsibility of raising kids in the 21^st century!

Glue husbands and wives of these precious children together with Your Holy Spirit!

Help fathers to raise godly sons of courage and balance to eventually assume a responsible role in adulthood!

Help these same fathers to be an example of godly manhood to their daughters.  Remind them that they are the ‘guide-from-the-other-side’ to help their daughters better understand the male gender!

 

Help mothers as they enfold and comfort their children through the various stages of growth!  May their arms always be open and their words always lovingly instructive! 

Bless these moms as they raise godly sons!  Even when they don’t always understand what their boys are doing and why, enable them to be persistent and persuasive in guiding them.

Also, help these moms as they influence their daughters!  Give them the courage to gradually release these precious lives to experiment and grow.

 

Be the LORD of these couples and the honored Guest in each of their homes!

Love them – ALL OF THEM – into Your eternal Kingdom!

AMEN!  AMEN!