MINISTRY STORIES: They’re Going to Make It!

They called for an appointment for marriage counseling. They were not part of the church that I was leading. They’d heard that I counseled from a friend.

He was a tall, lean, very muscular guy – at least 6’3”. He was the kind of guy that I would NOT want to be angry with me. 

She was a short, thick but very attractive young woman.

Finances were not a problem.

Their relationship was very broken. 

Sometimes, when counseling, I will let a couple fight. I learn a lot from watching. It always ends the same: both sitting fuming and defeated – usually facing in opposite directions. A picture of hopelessness!

That’s my cue to ask: “How are you feeling right now?”

In their emotional exhaustion, one or the other will usually answer with one word responses.  Hopeless and exhausted are the two most frequent answers.

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So many things need to happen for healing to manifest in a relationship like this and it is greatly helped by an impartial, fair and skilled mediator. 

o   It can help for them to remember what originally brought them together.

o   They need to be taught to fight fairly.

o   They may need emergency intervention.

In cases of extreme brokenness I sometimes make myself available for immediate intervention when a breakdown occurs.  I made this offer to this couple.

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It didn’t take long for them to call. I was free and invited them to come directly to my office.

When they arrived, they sat down with their chairs facing away from each other. They were clearly in a broken-down situation!  I could feel the anger and tension in the room!

I told them that someone would have to break the silence and fill me in on how they had arrived at this lockdown.  Silence and fuming.

If I have to, I will call on the one I deem to be most open to report, but I didn’t have to in this case.

After an uncomfortable period of silence, she got up and turned her chair toward him. This little powerhouse looked him dead-in-the-eye and with fearless passion said something like the following:

“All through our relationship you have NEVER used the ‘F’ word with me. But in the last several months, you’ve used it with me over and over again!”

She spoke these words with her finger in this big guy's face!  She was bold, forthright, angry and hurt!  She was half his size!

I watched him closely! I saw a wave of rage cross his face – but it was short-lived. Something was going on inside his mind – but I couldn’t get a read on it.

After a thirty-second pause, he got up and turned his chair toward hers. Now, it was his turn! He looked her square-in-the-eyes and said:

“You’re right! I’m sorry! [And then with his finger gently pointed toward her, he added in a voice that was shaking with intensity] “And you will NEVER hear that word come from my mouth again!

The rest of the session went quite well and they left holding hands.

I knew in that moment that they were going to be okay! 

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Was it really so simple as leaving a word out of his talks with her?

Absolutely not! 

There were many more issues to be resolved and lessons to be learned! We continued to meet for several months – but they never returned after that. 

When a couple gets to a point similar to theirs, THEY NEED HELP! They need skilled, experienced, bold, instructive, impartial help!

If only one person from the relationship comes to me, I will agree to talk with them only once! If I go beyond that, I will always be perceived by the other partner as biased!

After that initial meeting, I will reach out to the missing partner and make a strong appeal to hear their story. Remarkably, the other spouse will often respond and come in to talk!  If this happens, it is a tremendously hopeful thing.

As a counselor, I’ve developed many ‘tools’ to use in couple’s counseling. But not all make it. Some have let the wall become too high. One may have already moved on into a new relationship. Sometimes they wait too long before reaching out for help.

If you’re reading this today and are in this dilemma, reach out for help today!  Don’t delay. Ask your spouse to accompany you. If you don’t connect with the counselor – try another! We have different training, practices, experiences, approaches and personalities. Ask friends and family for referrals. YOUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH IT!