SELECTING A SPOUSE

In reading through I Samuel, I came across the story of David’s intersection with an odd couple. The man’s name was Nabal [which means ‘fool’] and his wife’s name was Abigail.

Nabal was a very prosperous farmer/rancher with 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats.

The scripture gives a description of this couple:

The woman was intelligent and good-looking, the man brutish and mean.

[I Samuel 25:3  -  All quotes from The Message Bible unless otherwise noted]

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How does this happen? How do beautiful women and mean-spirited men choose one another [or vice versa].

I can’t believe that I’m about to reference a Hallmark movie to illustrate this point!

Last night I watched a Hallmark movie about a woman who had moved to a small town – with her young son – to restart her life after a failed marriage. She eventually reflected on this marriage as having been an impulsive and immature decision. After having the son, they simply drifted apart and then divorced.

Then, of course, enters the man who has returned home for a brief stint of teaching in the local elementary school. He had a deep love in this town many years earlier and since it ended has been unable to establish roots anywhere. He travels the country as a substitute teacher.

Through a number of awkward and humorous vignettes, these two repeatedly run into one another and eventually discover that there is a mutual interest in exploring the possibility of having a relationship. 

They’re each mature enough at this point in their lives to evaluate the complex and sacrificial changes that they would have to make if they choose to develop and mature this relationship!

Surprise! Surprise! The movie has a happy ending! 😊  *

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It rather lamely illustrates my point.

There is no training for selecting a spouse. For the most part, it’s largely dependent on our circle of friends and the ‘magic of love’.

This process lacks the specificity that we might expect it to have. For instance, do you know anyone who asked their intended spouse to have a battery of physical tests to see if they were healthy or what their prognosis is for a long life?  I just saw your jaw drop!  😄  Of course not! Don’t be silly, Hal.

Do we have them take a psychological test to evaluate their mental health?

🙄  C’mon, Hal!

Do we consult with family and friends to get their opinion about the potential for our compatibility before we ‘Pop the Question’?  How many women – when the man drops down on his knee to offer her a ring – push the ‘Pause’ button and say something totally reasonable like: “I hope you’re not offended, but this is a big step and I’m going to need some time to think it through.”? 😳

I retired from my role as a pastor in 2017. Throughout my years, I mandated ten hours of counseling for every couple that I married. I also asked them to attend worship together while we were doing the counseling. I became trained in the Taylor/Johnson Temperament Analysis instrument so that I could have some relatively objective ways of considering their compatibility potential. This was a costly investment on my part since these counseling sessions usually involved evenings or weekends. But, it was important to me to help launch them with the information and tools that could help them to have a great marriage! Also, once they got to know me – it gave them a viable place to return to – if they ran into trouble down-the-road. The topics we discussed together were:

·        Finances – lawyers report that finances are a key cause of most divorces.

·        Sex – I focused on the differences between the male and female approaches to relationships. Most couples became quite animated with these discussions.!

·        How-to-fight-fair – This was a fun topic where we discussed many helpful techniques for fighting that could lead them to more productive results!

·        Children/Parenting – It always surprised me how many couples had never discussed vital questions like:

Ø Are we going to have children?

Ø When will we start this process?

Ø How many children do you think we will have?

Massive disappointment and contention can result from a failure to discuss these issues!

·        We usually ended by talking about Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. This always led to valuable learning sessions that were very personal to the couple and how they experienced love.

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Without direction and seasoned input, Abigails keep marrying Nabals, and the pain destroys people’s lives for long periods.

NOTICE:

Although I’m a pastor, I’m only now bringing up the idea of consulting with God!

I began every wedding with the same words:

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today in the presence of God… 

Wise couples will do some spiritual discerning about this most important decision of their lives!

Nabal’s will not likely offer to pray with Abigails. 

HERE’S AN OBSERVATION:

If you don’t pray together during the courting period, why would you think that you’ll pray together after you’re married?

Some will think me strange for saying this, but our sexual relationship isn’t the most intimate thing we will do!

Talking together to God is the most intimate thing you can do!

I snuggle into my warm bed each night and quietly pray until I fall asleep. Yesterday, I said goodbye to Deb for four days. She’s going to stay with my sister-in-law this week to encourage her and help her recuperate from a broken arm. As we said goodbye, I told her: “I was praying for Joyce last night as I went to sleep. Please tell her that I love her and am praying for her.”

Deb responded – as she has on many other occasions: “I heard you praying and was agreeing with you!”

She has repeatedly affirmed me that the closest she feels to me is when we lie in bed together with my arm around her and we pray!

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Here’s a final note:

My blog audience is typically an older group of people. Many reading this are likely to have made marriage choices many years ago.

But guess what?  You can still breathe new life into a relationship by addressing some of the things we’ve discussed here. It’s NEVER too late!

Also, maybe you'd like to refer someone you care about to this blog for their personal benefit?

* For those who are dying to know what movie it was: A Harvest Homecoming.

MINISTRY STORIES: They’re Going to Make It!

They called for an appointment for marriage counseling. They were not part of the church that I was leading. They’d heard that I counseled from a friend.

He was a tall, lean, very muscular guy – at least 6’3”. He was the kind of guy that I would NOT want to be angry with me. 

She was a short, thick but very attractive young woman.

Finances were not a problem.

Their relationship was very broken. 

Sometimes, when counseling, I will let a couple fight. I learn a lot from watching. It always ends the same: both sitting fuming and defeated – usually facing in opposite directions. A picture of hopelessness!

That’s my cue to ask: “How are you feeling right now?”

In their emotional exhaustion, one or the other will usually answer with one word responses.  Hopeless and exhausted are the two most frequent answers.

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So many things need to happen for healing to manifest in a relationship like this and it is greatly helped by an impartial, fair and skilled mediator. 

o   It can help for them to remember what originally brought them together.

o   They need to be taught to fight fairly.

o   They may need emergency intervention.

In cases of extreme brokenness I sometimes make myself available for immediate intervention when a breakdown occurs.  I made this offer to this couple.

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It didn’t take long for them to call. I was free and invited them to come directly to my office.

When they arrived, they sat down with their chairs facing away from each other. They were clearly in a broken-down situation!  I could feel the anger and tension in the room!

I told them that someone would have to break the silence and fill me in on how they had arrived at this lockdown.  Silence and fuming.

If I have to, I will call on the one I deem to be most open to report, but I didn’t have to in this case.

After an uncomfortable period of silence, she got up and turned her chair toward him. This little powerhouse looked him dead-in-the-eye and with fearless passion said something like the following:

“All through our relationship you have NEVER used the ‘F’ word with me. But in the last several months, you’ve used it with me over and over again!”

She spoke these words with her finger in this big guy's face!  She was bold, forthright, angry and hurt!  She was half his size!

I watched him closely! I saw a wave of rage cross his face – but it was short-lived. Something was going on inside his mind – but I couldn’t get a read on it.

After a thirty-second pause, he got up and turned his chair toward hers. Now, it was his turn! He looked her square-in-the-eyes and said:

“You’re right! I’m sorry! [And then with his finger gently pointed toward her, he added in a voice that was shaking with intensity] “And you will NEVER hear that word come from my mouth again!

The rest of the session went quite well and they left holding hands.

I knew in that moment that they were going to be okay! 

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Was it really so simple as leaving a word out of his talks with her?

Absolutely not! 

There were many more issues to be resolved and lessons to be learned! We continued to meet for several months – but they never returned after that. 

When a couple gets to a point similar to theirs, THEY NEED HELP! They need skilled, experienced, bold, instructive, impartial help!

If only one person from the relationship comes to me, I will agree to talk with them only once! If I go beyond that, I will always be perceived by the other partner as biased!

After that initial meeting, I will reach out to the missing partner and make a strong appeal to hear their story. Remarkably, the other spouse will often respond and come in to talk!  If this happens, it is a tremendously hopeful thing.

As a counselor, I’ve developed many ‘tools’ to use in couple’s counseling. But not all make it. Some have let the wall become too high. One may have already moved on into a new relationship. Sometimes they wait too long before reaching out for help.

If you’re reading this today and are in this dilemma, reach out for help today!  Don’t delay. Ask your spouse to accompany you. If you don’t connect with the counselor – try another! We have different training, practices, experiences, approaches and personalities. Ask friends and family for referrals. YOUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH IT!