SELECTING A SPOUSE

In reading through I Samuel, I came across the story of David’s intersection with an odd couple. The man’s name was Nabal [which means ‘fool’] and his wife’s name was Abigail.

Nabal was a very prosperous farmer/rancher with 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats.

The scripture gives a description of this couple:

The woman was intelligent and good-looking, the man brutish and mean.

[I Samuel 25:3  -  All quotes from The Message Bible unless otherwise noted]

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How does this happen? How do beautiful women and mean-spirited men choose one another [or vice versa].

I can’t believe that I’m about to reference a Hallmark movie to illustrate this point!

Last night I watched a Hallmark movie about a woman who had moved to a small town – with her young son – to restart her life after a failed marriage. She eventually reflected on this marriage as having been an impulsive and immature decision. After having the son, they simply drifted apart and then divorced.

Then, of course, enters the man who has returned home for a brief stint of teaching in the local elementary school. He had a deep love in this town many years earlier and since it ended has been unable to establish roots anywhere. He travels the country as a substitute teacher.

Through a number of awkward and humorous vignettes, these two repeatedly run into one another and eventually discover that there is a mutual interest in exploring the possibility of having a relationship. 

They’re each mature enough at this point in their lives to evaluate the complex and sacrificial changes that they would have to make if they choose to develop and mature this relationship!

Surprise! Surprise! The movie has a happy ending! 😊  *

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It rather lamely illustrates my point.

There is no training for selecting a spouse. For the most part, it’s largely dependent on our circle of friends and the ‘magic of love’.

This process lacks the specificity that we might expect it to have. For instance, do you know anyone who asked their intended spouse to have a battery of physical tests to see if they were healthy or what their prognosis is for a long life?  I just saw your jaw drop!  😄  Of course not! Don’t be silly, Hal.

Do we have them take a psychological test to evaluate their mental health?

🙄  C’mon, Hal!

Do we consult with family and friends to get their opinion about the potential for our compatibility before we ‘Pop the Question’?  How many women – when the man drops down on his knee to offer her a ring – push the ‘Pause’ button and say something totally reasonable like: “I hope you’re not offended, but this is a big step and I’m going to need some time to think it through.”? 😳

I retired from my role as a pastor in 2017. Throughout my years, I mandated ten hours of counseling for every couple that I married. I also asked them to attend worship together while we were doing the counseling. I became trained in the Taylor/Johnson Temperament Analysis instrument so that I could have some relatively objective ways of considering their compatibility potential. This was a costly investment on my part since these counseling sessions usually involved evenings or weekends. But, it was important to me to help launch them with the information and tools that could help them to have a great marriage! Also, once they got to know me – it gave them a viable place to return to – if they ran into trouble down-the-road. The topics we discussed together were:

·        Finances – lawyers report that finances are a key cause of most divorces.

·        Sex – I focused on the differences between the male and female approaches to relationships. Most couples became quite animated with these discussions.!

·        How-to-fight-fair – This was a fun topic where we discussed many helpful techniques for fighting that could lead them to more productive results!

·        Children/Parenting – It always surprised me how many couples had never discussed vital questions like:

Ø Are we going to have children?

Ø When will we start this process?

Ø How many children do you think we will have?

Massive disappointment and contention can result from a failure to discuss these issues!

·        We usually ended by talking about Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. This always led to valuable learning sessions that were very personal to the couple and how they experienced love.

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Without direction and seasoned input, Abigails keep marrying Nabals, and the pain destroys people’s lives for long periods.

NOTICE:

Although I’m a pastor, I’m only now bringing up the idea of consulting with God!

I began every wedding with the same words:

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today in the presence of God… 

Wise couples will do some spiritual discerning about this most important decision of their lives!

Nabal’s will not likely offer to pray with Abigails. 

HERE’S AN OBSERVATION:

If you don’t pray together during the courting period, why would you think that you’ll pray together after you’re married?

Some will think me strange for saying this, but our sexual relationship isn’t the most intimate thing we will do!

Talking together to God is the most intimate thing you can do!

I snuggle into my warm bed each night and quietly pray until I fall asleep. Yesterday, I said goodbye to Deb for four days. She’s going to stay with my sister-in-law this week to encourage her and help her recuperate from a broken arm. As we said goodbye, I told her: “I was praying for Joyce last night as I went to sleep. Please tell her that I love her and am praying for her.”

Deb responded – as she has on many other occasions: “I heard you praying and was agreeing with you!”

She has repeatedly affirmed me that the closest she feels to me is when we lie in bed together with my arm around her and we pray!

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Here’s a final note:

My blog audience is typically an older group of people. Many reading this are likely to have made marriage choices many years ago.

But guess what?  You can still breathe new life into a relationship by addressing some of the things we’ve discussed here. It’s NEVER too late!

Also, maybe you'd like to refer someone you care about to this blog for their personal benefit?

* For those who are dying to know what movie it was: A Harvest Homecoming.

A STORY OF A FOOL

What kind of mother would name her son ‘Fool’?  I don’t think I’d want to meet her.  Seems like a good chance that she was a fool herself. 

We find this man Nabal (means ‘fool’) in I Samuel 25.  Surprisingly, he was quite successful, owning at least 1,000 goats and 3,000 sheep.  His enterprise required the help of a large number of farm hands.  His wife was loyal to him and quite a beauty.

David had been hiding out in Nabal’s territory trying to elude the pursuit of King Saul.  During this time, he and his 600 men offered protection to the area farmers – including Nabal.  When shearing time arrived, David sent men to ask for a gift from Nabal in exchange for the protection he had received.  Nabal insulted David’s men and sent them away empty-handed.

David was furious and vowed to kill Nabal and all his men.

Nabal’s wife is told about the exchange and leaps into action preparing a huge feast and delivering it to David as he approaches the farm.  He is overwhelmed with her gift, her words and her wisdom!  She implores him to stay his hand against Nabal and keep his reputation unstained from unnecessary violence.  David accepts her gift and is truly grateful that she stepped in and stopped him from his impulsive actions.

That evening, Nabal feasts and drinks well into the night;  so Abigail (his wife) waits till morning to tell him what she had done.  This is another testimony to her truthfulness and willingness to accept responsibility for her actions. 

Although the scripture is not perfectly clear, it seems that Nabal had a stroke upon hearing what she had done.  He lived in this state for ten days and then died. 

When David heard that Nabal had died, he sent messengers asking Abigail to become his wife.  She agreed.

In verse 17, we read a description of Nabal:  “He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.” 

Chances are, you’ve run into someone like this.  Descriptive terms would be:  hostile, angry, sarcastic, bitter, unkind, stubborn, vindictive, hateful… 

We can’t help but notice that Abigail’s actions correct David’s misdirected intentions.  A righteous woman can have a dynamic impact on the lives of those around her!  Abigail shows us that destroying the evil person is not the way to deal with them.  She is forthright and honest with Nabal and leaves the results to God.  Interestingly, Nabal’s death is attributed to God’s action:  “About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.”  (v.38)

When we are forced to deal with unrighteous people, we must maintain godly standards.  We don’t have the option of using their tactics.  We live by a higher standard.  We stay righteous and trust God to work it out.  He will! 

ARE YOU CORRECTABLE?

 I Samuel 25 tells a story about David's intersection with Nabal (whose name means 'fool').  

Here it is in brief form:

David and his 600 men have been laying low in the area where Nabal lived.  Nabal was a wealthy farmer with 1,000 goats and 3,000 sheep.  He also had a wife, Abigail, who was intelligent and beautiful.  

When David and his men lived in an area, they provided protection for anyone else who lived nearby.  Consequently, Nabal benefitted from David lingering in his area for an extended period of time.  

At the time of sheep-shearing, David sent men to Nabal asking for a gift of food.  

Nabal is described several times in this chapter:

• surly and mean in his dealings  [v.3]
• a wicked man that no one can talk to - (his servant) [v.17]
• He is just like his name - his name is Fool, and folly goes with him. - (his wife) [v.25]

Nabal responds harshly to David's request:

Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?  [v.11]

David is incensed when he is given this report.  He arms his men and takes 400 men to exact revenge on Nabal.

A servant reports what has happened to Abigail including the arc of safety that David's men have provided over previous months.  She acts quickly and puts together  a large quantity of food and supplies to give to David and his men.  

• 200 loaves of bread
• 2 skins of wine
• 5 dressed sheep
• 5 bushel of roasted grain
• 100 raisin cakes
•  200 cakes of pressed figs

She did this without telling Nabal.

She met David descending into the valley.  She bowed at his feet with her face to the ground.  

She said:  “Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent. And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you.

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.”

Wow!  She really is a wise woman!

1. She offers reverence to David by kneeling before him
2. She proclaims her husband a fool for treating David improperly
3. She suggests that she has been sent to prevent David from shedding needless blood.
4. She wishes him well and prays protection over him
5. She presents her very generous gift 
6. She suggests that he will always have God's protection since he fights the Lord's battles
7. She predicts that he will be the ruler over Israel
8. She suggests that if he turns from his intent toward Nabal, he will have a clean conscience
9. She asks for his favor when God has honored him

David graciously accepts her gifts and turns from his intent toward Nabal.  He acknowledges that she has been sent by God to keep him from bloodshed.  

Abigail went home and found Nabal having a drunken banquet.  The next morning she told him what she had done and his heart failed him and he became like a stone.  About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.  [vs.37-38]

When David heard what had happened, he sent word to her inviting her to become his wife.  She agreed and came to be his third wife and the mother of his second-born son, Kileab.  [Michal, Saul's daughter was his first wife, but Saul later gave her to another man;  as divine retrifution for mocking David, she had no children to the day of her death.  II Samuel 6:23]  

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APPLICATION

     I.   Those who are fools by character (according to Proverbs) are:

            1. Close-minded – thickheaded/stubborn (convinced they’re right)
            2. Lack spiritual perception
            3. Hardened

Nabal was all of these!  Be careful NOT to let these characteristics define YOU!

   II.    Abigail was wise and sensitive to the Lord's leading.  She courageously faced her problem  with tact, grace and humility!

  III.    David was correctable.  Even in his anger, he was able to back down and hear just counsel.