AN OLDER PERSEPCTIVE FOR YOUNGER COUPLES

Debbie and I were married in 1973.  We made a conscious decision to not have kids for two years so that we would have some time to just enjoy one another.  We've never regretted that decision.  In February 1976, Travis was born and our family life began.  We offically denested around 2000, when Tracie (our youngest) returned to Maryland to live and work [at the age of nineteen].  

When I was actively doing pre-marital counseling with couples, I made sure that we talked about certain specifics during the process.  It's likely that some couples may have already discussed some of these issues, but many do not.  I have no feel for things today.  I don't know if pastors are still requiring couseling or not?  I feel it is an essential responsibility for someone who is bringing couples together in a lifelong relationship.  

Everyone realizes that young couples are in an infatuated state during courtship and premarriage days.  

Merriam;Webster defines infatuation:  

"filled with or marked by a foolish or extravagant love or admiration"

I always made sure we discussed topics like:

• FINANCES:  Are you bringing debt into this relationship?  Will you merge incomes or continue separate finances?  Do you plan to tithe?  Who will pay the bills?
• FAMILY PLANNING:  Do you want to have kids?  When do you plan to start?  How many might you like to have?  What will you do if you are unable to have children?  How do you plan to parent your children?  [I provide recommended resources for all of these areas]
• FIGHTING FAIRLY:  This is vital information for young married couples.  There are rules that should be followed.  Without following these rules, you will end up suffering extreme frustration and emotional distance!  

I know you'll want these, so here they are:

1. Stay on topic!
2. "Don't let the sun go down on your anger"  [Ephesians 4:26]
3. Look for 'release valves'.
4. Recognize that "The tongue has the power of life and death"  [Proverbs 18:21]
5. Never use 'the silent treatment'!
6. Keep your relationship close by sharing openly with one another on a regular basis.  Maintain regular devotional time together, then it will naturally happen when children come along!
7. If tension periods persist and you can't seem to resolve the issues, ASK FOR HELP!

• FAMILY TRADITIONS:  More than two people are being married here.  How will you merge these two family traditions?  How will you balance your time between these two families - especially holidays?
• HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS:  We discuss this book by Dr. Willard Harley.
• THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:  We discuss this book by Gary Chapman.

Typically, I asked for ten hours - as long BEFORE the wedding as possible - to comfortably discuss these issues!

With that platform laid, I'd like to get more specific.  

In my latter years in ministry, I noticed that couples were fairly consistently telling me that they wanted to wait to have "all their ducks in a row" before starting a family.  There's some logic in this, of course.  When Debbie and I were young the adage was "If you wait for the right time to have kids, you'll never have kids!"  There's some truth to that as well.  

As an older person - with no desire to offend anyone - I'd simply like to offer two points for consideration that may not be immediately obvious to younger people in this stage of life.  Here they are - I hope they're helpful!

FIRST

By delaying the birth of your children, you're cutting down the years that they will be exposed to your own parents!  Grandparents can be a great blessing in presenting the children a picture of a completely different generation.  They typically support the goals and aspirations of the parents and provide resources, services and exposure that has the potential to enrich the lives of children.  Do you really want to cut that time significantly shorter?

SECOND

This is what I like to call the 'hidden repercussion'.  By delaying the birth of your children, you're also cutting down the number of years that you will be exposed to your own grandchildren!  Think it through:  If you wait till you're forty to have kids, and they wait till they're forty to have kids - you'll be eighty when your grandchildren are born!  If you understand this point, you might want to speed up your timetable for having a family, so that you can enjoy multiple generations before you leave this earth!

Psalm 127:3-5 [TM]

Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?

    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?

Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows

    are the children of a vigorous youth.

Oh, how blessed are you parents,

    with your quivers full of children!

Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;

    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.