AN OLDER PERSEPCTIVE FOR YOUNGER COUPLES

Debbie and I were married in 1973.  We made a conscious decision to not have kids for two years so that we would have some time to just enjoy one another.  We've never regretted that decision.  In February 1976, Travis was born and our family life began.  We offically denested around 2000, when Tracie (our youngest) returned to Maryland to live and work [at the age of nineteen].  

When I was actively doing pre-marital counseling with couples, I made sure that we talked about certain specifics during the process.  It's likely that some couples may have already discussed some of these issues, but many do not.  I have no feel for things today.  I don't know if pastors are still requiring couseling or not?  I feel it is an essential responsibility for someone who is bringing couples together in a lifelong relationship.  

Everyone realizes that young couples are in an infatuated state during courtship and premarriage days.  

Merriam;Webster defines infatuation:  

"filled with or marked by a foolish or extravagant love or admiration"

I always made sure we discussed topics like:

• FINANCES:  Are you bringing debt into this relationship?  Will you merge incomes or continue separate finances?  Do you plan to tithe?  Who will pay the bills?
• FAMILY PLANNING:  Do you want to have kids?  When do you plan to start?  How many might you like to have?  What will you do if you are unable to have children?  How do you plan to parent your children?  [I provide recommended resources for all of these areas]
• FIGHTING FAIRLY:  This is vital information for young married couples.  There are rules that should be followed.  Without following these rules, you will end up suffering extreme frustration and emotional distance!  

I know you'll want these, so here they are:

1. Stay on topic!
2. "Don't let the sun go down on your anger"  [Ephesians 4:26]
3. Look for 'release valves'.
4. Recognize that "The tongue has the power of life and death"  [Proverbs 18:21]
5. Never use 'the silent treatment'!
6. Keep your relationship close by sharing openly with one another on a regular basis.  Maintain regular devotional time together, then it will naturally happen when children come along!
7. If tension periods persist and you can't seem to resolve the issues, ASK FOR HELP!

• FAMILY TRADITIONS:  More than two people are being married here.  How will you merge these two family traditions?  How will you balance your time between these two families - especially holidays?
• HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS:  We discuss this book by Dr. Willard Harley.
• THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:  We discuss this book by Gary Chapman.

Typically, I asked for ten hours - as long BEFORE the wedding as possible - to comfortably discuss these issues!

With that platform laid, I'd like to get more specific.  

In my latter years in ministry, I noticed that couples were fairly consistently telling me that they wanted to wait to have "all their ducks in a row" before starting a family.  There's some logic in this, of course.  When Debbie and I were young the adage was "If you wait for the right time to have kids, you'll never have kids!"  There's some truth to that as well.  

As an older person - with no desire to offend anyone - I'd simply like to offer two points for consideration that may not be immediately obvious to younger people in this stage of life.  Here they are - I hope they're helpful!

FIRST

By delaying the birth of your children, you're cutting down the years that they will be exposed to your own parents!  Grandparents can be a great blessing in presenting the children a picture of a completely different generation.  They typically support the goals and aspirations of the parents and provide resources, services and exposure that has the potential to enrich the lives of children.  Do you really want to cut that time significantly shorter?

SECOND

This is what I like to call the 'hidden repercussion'.  By delaying the birth of your children, you're also cutting down the number of years that you will be exposed to your own grandchildren!  Think it through:  If you wait till you're forty to have kids, and they wait till they're forty to have kids - you'll be eighty when your grandchildren are born!  If you understand this point, you might want to speed up your timetable for having a family, so that you can enjoy multiple generations before you leave this earth!

Psalm 127:3-5 [TM]

Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?

    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?

Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows

    are the children of a vigorous youth.

Oh, how blessed are you parents,

    with your quivers full of children!

Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;

    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.

LIFE IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER!

[This letter was written October 19, 2007.  Since then, Coltin Eugene Kerstetter has happily become part of the family.  He is now 10.]

I offer the following letter as instruction for those beginning families, as encouragement for those in the midst of 'family life' and as comfort for those who have gotten off the ride and are reflecting.  For everyone else - just enjoy it!  🤣

_______________________________

Dear Jon and Tracie,

It occurred to me early this morning that life is like a ride on a roller coaster!  J

The day you guys met, your dating life, your engagement period, and these early years of marriage can be likened to:

• selecting the right roller coaster,
• waiting in line,
• choosing your seat,
• getting strapped in,
• coasting down the ramp and around the first bend,
• and then climbing that first, long hill.

Have you ever been in the front seat of a coaster?  You actually crest the top of the hill and hang on the down-side for a few moments before the final car lets go!  That’s where you guys are right now – with the birth of your first child being just three short weeks away. 

On that day, your car will let loose and the real ride begins! 

There will be thrills!  Probably an equal number of highs and lows!  Fortunately, God has wired us to remember the highs and forget the lows! 

Imagine the pride you’ll each feel the first time you hold this little girl in your arms!  She will be a unique blend of the two of you.  Interestingly, she’ll include good points from each of you (and bad points from each of you).  You’ll have so much fun determining the similarities. 

One of the things your mom and I have noticed is that God has an unusual sense of humor.  He tends to mix the genes in such a way that our children quite frequently come out looking nearly identical to one of our siblings.  [For his first ten years, Troy could have passed for Uncle Tommy’s son;  some even say so now.]

This little girl will be TOTALLY dependent on you two for her life!  Your work load will double!  You’ll continue doing everything you do now, but somehow, you’ll find the time to do everything for her as well!  You’ll comfort her, feed her, change her, play with her, talk to her, and watch her sleep.  You’ll marvel over the perfection of her features – right down to the toes! 

And she’ll grow.  Faster than you think!  Have you noticed how long it seems to take to get to the top of that first hill?  Then, wow!  Before you even know it, you’re pulling into the station again!  


From someone who got on the ride ahead of you: "Enjoy the trip!"  Savor every moment and deliberately tuck them away in your mental files!  Mark the moments!  Treasure the time with your tots!  Take pictures, of course;  but take them with your mental camera – that way you’ll have them with you no matter where or when!

• You’ll be delighted when she can hold her own bottle. 
• You’ll giggle with delight when her babblings produce a tone that sounds remarkably like “Mama” or “Dada”!
• You’ll be happy when she takes her first step!
• You’ll be excited when she can hold a spoon and feed herself (especially if number two has already arrived). 
• You’ll be pleased when she can dress herself.
• You’ll be relieved when she can get herself ready for bed.
• You’ll be proud when she celebrates her first day of school.
• You’ll see her school and church programs with one eye – through the lens of your video camera!
• You’ll be proud of her achievements and accomplishments.
• You’ll delight in her slumber parties and other fun times.
• You’ll tremble when she gets her first boyfriend.
• You’ll sit in an auditorium someday and wonder when she turned into such a beautiful young lady!

It’s right after that that she’ll ask for the car keys!

The stages of her growth and development will be fascinating!  More than likely, someday she’ll be a big sister!  As a first-born, she’ll likely be a good reader.  She’ll be highly motivated and fairly responsible.  She’ll likely be an achiever.  She’ll be rather independent and will probably value being alone. 

Her personality will be fully formed by the age of seven!  That makes those years VERY IMPORTANT!  Your influence will almost totally form that personality.  Calls for some introspection, huh? 

Her understanding of God will be largely formed by her relationship with her daddy!  Her spiritual sensitivities will be similar to yours. 

Inevitably, there will be pain.  Every roller coaster ride has its dips!  There’ll be:
     Ö        colds and flues
     Ö        broken bones (just ask Tracie)
     Ö        disappointments
     Ö        lost games
     Ö        failures
     Ö        bad grades
     Ö        betrayals by friends
     Ö        rude boys
     Ö        bad attitudes
     Ö        rebellions
     Ö        abandonment
     Ö        loneliness

You’ll be there through all of these!  You’ll comfort, encourage, pray with, hug, caress, support, serve, instruct, counsel, distract, and just generally BE THERE!  If you haven’t figured that out yet, that’s the main job of a parent.  We’re to BE THERE!  Always!  The chronic, cosmic problem of the children of divorce is that pervasive nagging need for parents who simply aren’t always there!!!  Maybe one or the other is always there, but kids need both parents to be there!  Always! 

She’ll love you!  It’ll be one of the most satisfying things you’ll ever experience!  The love and trust of a child is one of life’s highest highs!  My proudest moments in life were simply walking down the street with Troy on one hand and Tracibeth on the other!  J  My favorite pictures of myself are the ones that include my kids: 

§  laying double-decker on my back

 §  playing with me on the trampoline
 §  swimming with me
 §  wrestling
 §  selfies

Her hugs will make your day!  Her kisses will heal your weariness!  Her antics will make life worth living! 

You’ll be willing – in an instant – to lay down your life for her!  She will quickly become your greatest earthly treasure.

Part of the challenge will be the time and attention that she’ll require (along with any siblings that may follow).  Jon, you’ll lose some of Tracie due to this change.  She’ll be very focused on this new little girl.  Some of the attention that you’ve been used to will be re-directed.  If you’re at all like me, you’ll feel that.  But, somehow, we adjust to this and make up for it in new ways.  But mark this:  EVERYTHING’S ABOUT TO CHANGE!

Remarkably, Debbie and I are at the other end of the spectrum.  We’ve been de-nested now for several years.  It’s been a joyful time.  We are now able to pick up where we left off back in 1976 (when Travis was born).  Our focus is on one another again!  We’re getting reacquainted!  It’s fun!  Our little girl is now a big girl who’s getting ready to have a little girl of her own!  Oh my!  But don’t think about this too much – it’s a good 20-30 years away for you.  J 

You stay focused on enjoying the ride!  You’re in for the time of your life!  Chuck Swindoll tells a wonderful story of going for a ride in a speed-boat with former Oakland Raiders quarterback, Kenny Stabler.  When Chuck settled into his seat he looked up and saw a sign in front of him:  “GET IN, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, HANG ON!”  Not bad advice for the ride you guys are on!

One last thought:  If you haven’t learned to pray yet – now’s a good time to start! 

I love you guys!

Dad