Once Upon A Time...

With all the wild spending that takes place during these weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought I'd share part of our journey.

My parents were excellent money managers!  My Dad never made big wages working at Townsend Company.  I remember coming home from Kentucky about a year after we were married.  Excitedly, I told my Dad that UPS had settled their strike and I would be making $4.70 and hour as a result (part-time - unloading trucks).  He didn't express much joy regarding my good news, so I later questioned him about it. It was then that he told me that he had never made $4.70 an hour.  I was humbled.

Unfortunately, my parents never sat down and talked about their finances with me.  They modeled a frugal lifestyle and were content with what they had!  However, the instruction of how to manage money was never really discussed.

In our first year of marriage, we received a credit card in the mail!  It was exciting!  We had a $500 limit! So we used it!  That began our sad story. More credit cards arrived in those early years of our marriage. Seminary bills stacked up.  Then children started coming.  When I began my full-time ministry at the Jeannette Free Methodist Church, I received $100 per week. We easily qualified for WIC.

You know the story from there:

• cars
• repairs
• taxes
• clothes
• Christmas
• vacations
• finishing my MDiv at Pittsburgh Theological
• going on for a MA Counseling
• etc., etc. ad infinitum

At one point, I added up the facts.  We were over $60,000 in debt - without a house!  Financial stress was a daily reality!  I was juggling payments to try to keep everyone happy.  It drove a chronic depression in my life!  I faced the inevitable reality:  we would never get out of debt!  Several indicated that we were prime candidates for filing bankruptcy, however, we never considered that a viable option. 

I began to pray about the problem for the first time.  As a result of my prayers, God brought three men to my side.  

Pete Muschweck was the Oakland FMC treasurer.  He had a lot of wisdom regarding finances from his business experience.  He began to counsel me.

Ron Kelly was a parishoner at Oakland who freely shared his biblical wisdom with me.  For the first time in my life, I realized that God had a LOT to say about finances.  Ron helped me to grow in understanding these principles and applying them in my life!

Larry Burkett was a radio teacher (in Heaven now).  I began listening to his show every day!  I bought some of his materials and began to use them to plan our finances.

Later, we attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University to reinforce the principles we already knew!  

We used the common 'debt snowball' approach.  Our snowball at first was $20.  As we payed off a debt, the amount of that payment was added to our 'snowball' and applied to the next debt on our "knock-off list". It gradually grew - very slow at first.  By the end of the process it had grown to $700.  Our last debt fell in several months due to this extra-large payment boost!  

Our goal had been to eliminate our debt in seven years.  It actually took us eleven (the extra four years is a story for another time).  

I cannot express the joy that we experienced!  This was something that I had considered impossible!  I had surrendered to the fact that we would never be out of debt!  But, with the help of friends and the wisdom of God's Word - WE MADE IT!  

Debt is our enemy!  As counseled by our teachers, we declared WAR on debt! We planned and sacrificed to achieve our goal!  HALLELUJAH!  

And guess what?

If we did it - anyone can do it!  Ha ha ha ha - isn't that good news?  

Today, we enjoy a freedom that we did not know when we were younger.  We can do things that we couldn't do then.  We practice generosity regularly and have discovered the true joy of giving!  I am no longer driven to depression by our finances,  

If you're reading this and you're where we used to be - TAKE HOPE!  

Pay the small fee and sign-up for Financial Peace University.  It's actually fun!  It's a short term commitment that's always available somewhere - usually at churches.  Contact Crown Financial Ministries (the organization that Larry Burkett founded).  Get their resources and apply them.  Both of these organizations believe that the majority of families can be debt-free in seven years!  GET STARTED!

PS  -  I always lamented the poor example that we were for our children. However, thanks be to God, He seems to have used the situation to wake them up to the hardships that come with debt.  To the best of my knowledge, our kids are practicing good financial management!  Woo Hoo!  And thanks be to God!  

NOT THANKFUL AGAIN - THANKFUL STILL!

Every year, I try to put together a list of the things I’m thankful for.  Last year this task was made more challenging because of Travis’ death.  Our pain over missing him is still so real to us that it continues to affect our lives on a day-to-day basis. 

However, God is ALWAYS worthy of our praise! 

The Christian group, Third Day, says it so well in their song, “Cry Out to Jesus!”:

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

[Chorus]
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus!

In spite of losing our precious son, we are indeed thankful to God!  He’s the One who has given us the hope of Heaven! 

Although I have said it before, I must say it again:  I am so unworthy of the many blessings that God has heaped on me!  His goodness is truly overwhelming.  I think so often that no one appreciates His grace more than I do!  How kind He is!  How forgiving.  How patient!  How long-suffering!  How generous! 

Really!  What can a person do except bow our unworthy head and say, “Praise the Lord!” 

So, in the midst of so many blessings, let me make a try at the things I’m MOST thankful for:

1.       Debbie

She has been SO FAITHFUL to me!  Her love, like God’s, is a constant that I can depend on.  In the last year, it has been my privilege to hold her and comfort her in her brokenness.  The average person will not see it, but I’m sure it’s a challenge to live with and love me.  

2.       Troy

How do you choose which of your kids to list first?  I’ll go with Troy, since he was born before Tracibeth.  Troy and Missy are such a blessing to me and Debbie!  Having them ‘just down the road a piece’ is such a comfort!  His daily texts and positive attitude are a source of refreshment to me.  Right now, he is taking the lead on building our garage!  He is investing hours and hours (days actually) of hard labor along with nights of thoughts and planning.  I could never properly reimburse him for his gift of love.  He’s an amazing man of strength and character and I admire him!

3.       Tracibeth

In case you’re wondering, that was supposed to be her name!  Since it officially went down as Tracie Elizabeth, I adopted it as my special name for her!  She is a phenomenal mother, wife and daughter!  I can’t brag on her enough!  Her occasional texts and calls are always so delightful!  “Hey Dad!  What’s up?”  Immediate smiles hit my face with every contact from her.  And my joy is magnified when I see Jon’s love for her!  What a great husband and Dad he is!  I’m so thankful for both of them.

4.       Rylie

Rylie is turning nine this week!  What a sweetheart she is!  I can’t get enough of her!  She’s a deeply caring big sister.  She’s outgoing and makes friends quickly and easily!  During our recent trip to Orlando, I watched her carefully.  She connected with every adult at one time or another!  She would walk along holding our hands and conversing freely with us.  It was as though she had a plan to include each of us individually – although, I’m confident that there was no plan.  This is simply and beautifully the way God made her! 

5.       Coltin

Colt is ALL BOY!  He loves to wrestle and run and play hard!  He is becoming very strong!  But he’s not a social butterfly.  He stands at a distance and watches.  He evaluates situations.  He warms slowly.  But now and then, he pops up on my lap and allows me to be close to him!  I love it!  He’s quick-thinking and can be very caring.  It’s going to be fun to watch him grow and develop in every way!

6.       KFMC

I have been given the privilege of serving the people of the Kittanning Free Methodist Church for the last fourteen months.  The people have been so kind and generous to us.  My appointment has its challenges since I’m part-time and live over an hour’s drive away.  Yet, we’re working together and seeing God’s hand of blessing in our midst.  We’re grateful that they are part of our lives during this section of our journey!

7.       My parents (Leonard and Hazel Haire)

Mom’s been gone since ’81;  Dad since ’92.  There was a time that I thought of them every day.  Now, it’s more occasional.  But when I think of them it is always with the deepest sense of gratitude!  I was raised well!  Their modeling impacted me deeply!  Their love for Jesus and the Church imprinted on me!  Today, when I look at my hands – I see my Dad’s hands.  If only my hands could do the things his hands did!  J  And my Mom’s deep devotion for prayer and missions still motivates me! 

8.       Friends

Debbie and I have friends literally around the world as a result of our three years in China!  We feel that we are blessed beyond measure by this fact!  I hesitate to start naming them, but friends have played a huge role in our lives!  Just the other day, a friend (Sam Norling) interrupted his day to rescue my car and tow it to a repair shop!  Mark Noel spent hours making drawing and building lists for our garage.  Now, he’s added dozens of hours of actual labor to the task! 

Many of our friends are actually family  -  our siblings and their kids!  Just last week, Jeff, Zac and Nathanael Diddle gave a whole day of labor to the building of our garage.  Barry Schrecengost had us in on Sunday for a delicious dinner.  We are reminded over and over again of the tremendous value of friends.  When Travis died, our mail box filled for weeks with the most beautiful cards and gifts.  We were and are overwhelmed!

9.       Our new home

It has been a long process getting everything done;  even now we are still under construction with the building of our garage.  But most nights we sit down in our living room in disbelief!  We love our new home and Debbie has decorated it in her typically inviting way.  Everyone who has visited so far has been impressed with the beauty of the home and the magnificence of the view and setting!  We are so grateful that we are living in such comfort – AND NO DEBT!  HALLELUJAH!!!!!

10.    Our cars

Even though one of them is in the shop right now with a cracked head, I am still grateful for our cars.  One is a 2003 and the other is a 2004.  Up till this weekend, they’ve been so reliable.  I’m a simple guy and don’t need the best, but I do appreciate what we have.  One was given to us by a friend from Indiana!  I was connected to the other by a new parishioner from Kittanning last summer and got a great deal!  We feel so fortunate to have two cars.  God is so good to us!  

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!

I'm fresh back from a week-long visit to Disney World in Orlando!  It was fun!  The rides were exciting and there were endless things to see and do.  I know we were very privileged to be able to do this!  I'm grateful. I mean, really, Disney!  It's supposedly the most fun thing a family can do together - right?

I remember a time - after we had de-nested - when I was feeling bad about the fact that we'd never been able to take our kids to Disney World.  Between low salaries and poor money management, it just never happened.  We'd talked about it, but just couldn't do it.

On an occasion when all three of our kids were home for a visit, I called them together and apologized that we'd never been able to go on elaborate vacations.  I never anticipated the response I got...

All three kids stumbled over themselves to assure us that our vacations had been awesome!  It triggered an avalanche of memories and stories.  They talked about how much they loved our annual camping vacation at Pymatuning State Park and other trips.  Highlights were:

• cooking over the campfire
• eating roasting ears cooked in the fire
• going to Conneaut Lake Park for a day
• riding the waterslides
• taking the canoe out for rides
• hobo dinners
• sleeping in tents
• taking friends along
• riding bikes
• playing games in the camper on rainy days
• going every year to the Canfield Fair
• camping in Aunt Bev and Uncle Dick's backyard
• visiting Uncle Ira and riding his four-wheelers
• going white-water rafting at Ohiopyle
• the annual trip to Sea World and Geauga Lake in Aurora, Ohio

The only negative thing they said was that the day we were packing to leave on these vacations was the worst day of the year!   Ha ha ha ha...according to their report, I was always frustrated that we weren't able to leave at the time I had appointed.  [Blush!]  Maybe I was a bit intolerant.  But they assured us that once we were on the road, it was fun, fun, fun!

All this in spite of two different vacations when we had three flat tires (including the camper).  We hit a rainy week at Carter's Caves, Kentucky one year.  I was called home from vacations to do funerals four years in a row! And I clearly remember that the money always ran out before the week was over...

They refused to accept my apology.  My guilt-ridden take had been in error. We had done a better job than I had realized.  And besides:  they're all grown up now;  Tracie even has her own kids!  And finally - WE MADE IT TO DISNEY [mental fireworks here with the Disney castle in the background]!!!!!

So, a reminder to those who might still be raising your family:  It's not about the money you spend or even the places you go!  It's about the ways you engage your children and have fun together!  

WARNING: During those days, Debbie and I often came home feeling like we needed a vacation to recover from the vacation!  We worked hard to insure that the week was fun for the kids, and often exhausted ourselves doing so.  

The upside is that once you de-nest, you get to go on nicer vacations and focus on enjoying  each other! Woo Hoo!

Late For Church!

For thirteen years, I was the pastor of the Oakland Free Methodist Church in East Liverpool, Ohio.  At that time, almost all of our churches had Sunday evening worship services.

I tried to make these times as enjoyable as possible.  One of my tactics was to vary the location of our meeting.  Sometimes we would use the sanctuary; other times we would meet in the fellowship hall.  Other suitable rooms were also utilized.  During the summers and early fall, we would occasionally meet at the picnic shelter on the Tri-State Free Methodist Campground.

The services would often be filled with music.  Having David Kelly and Martha Anderson at the instruments made for a delightful worship experience.  Our casual gatherings usually were led by Ron Kelly along with Brad Cowsert and sometimes David Pinkerton.

Some Sunday nights were even turned into game-show types of gatherings. Some were more focused on small group experiences or even competitions. Lots of delightful memories linger from those times together.

One Sunday evening, I had come early to set things up in the fellowship hall. After preparing my plans, I sat down in my reading chair to rest a bit.  I fell into a deep sleep.

Meanwhile, the folks gathered in the fellowship hall in preparation for things to begin.  7:00 PM came and there was no pastor.  Everyone assumed I'd be along shortly since I had a reputation for beginning promptly. However, ten minutes passed and still - no pastor.

Eventually, my administrative assistant, Karen Kelly, decided to check on me to see if I was ok.

As she knocked lightly and opened my door, there I was emerging from a sound sleep in my chair!  I was shocked that I had missed the starting time for our service.

I quickly grabbed my Bible and notes and hurried to the fellowship hall slightly behind Karen.  To her credit, she had not publicly announced my faux pas - although she had told Debbie.

I guess parishoners are not the only ones who sleep through services!!!!

Psychological Tests

In 1972, when I was applying for admission to Asbury Theological Seminary, I was required to take several psychological tests that took hours to complete. I knew I was "normal", so I willingly submitted expecting a quick nod of approval to the application process.  Imagine my surprise when I received a letter of acceptance with a contingency.  I was required to participate in an Interpersonal Relationship (IPR) group for the first semester that would be led by one of the faculty members. SHOCK!!!  FEAR!!!  SELF-DOUBT!!!!

Debbie and I were married in August and immediately moved to Wilmore, Kentucky to establish our first home.  When the semester began, I reported to the office of the designated faculty member along with about six other, equally shocked students.  None of us knew why we were there!  We had all been through the battery of tests and had been assigned to submit to this process that was apparently designed to purge us of our demons?

I resented being there.  I was a healthy young man who had grown up in a Christian home with loving parents;  what was I doing here?  I'm confident that the others felt the same.

The 90 minutes seemed to last forever!  The professor sat with his back to us while working at his desk.  We sat in a circle without speaking.  We examined one another's shoes.  We daydreamed.  We exchanged frustrated looks.  We subdued our anger.  Finally, the time expired and we got up and left.

A week later found us back in the professor's office passing another wordless 90 minutes.  Our frustration was building...

The third week brought no relief.  Another 90 minutes of awkwardness. Outside of his office we never spoke.  We didn't know one another's names. We were not friends.  We were simply co-sufferers of this obligatory process.

Week four arrived and we took our seats.  Eye contact was rare during our 90 minute wait.  Occasionally the Prof would swing around to join our waiting game.  About half-way through our time, however, the game changed.

I happened to look at the guy who was sitting across from me;  he seemed to single me out with his eyes. Suddenly, to everyone's shock, he spoke - directly to me!  He said:  "I don't like the way you look."

I was dumbfounded!  Why me?  What did he mean?  Now everyone in the group was staring at me - waiting for my response.  Time froze!  My personal heat rose.  I was verbally paralyzed!  I felt like I couldn't even think!

It was then that our professor sprung into action.  He impulsively rolled his chair across the room, stopping directly in front of me.  He rolled in close until our knees were almost touching.  He leaned in till we were face-to-face - then he said:  "Harold, how does that make you feel?"

We never had another silent session after that!

Boyhood Friends

We'd make our plans on the school bus while riding home at the end of the day.  Bob and I got off at the Honor Roll bus-stop between Brighton Heights and Crescent Heights.  We would agree to meet there after checking in with our moms and changing clothes - which usually took about fifteen minutes. John and Larry went a half-mile further to the Stuber road bus-stop.  We all convened at Larry's as soon as possible to take full advantage of whatever sunshine we had.

Larry's neighbor (a doctor) had an old, unused tennis court that became our football field.  It was usually Bob and me against John and Larry.  We had a variety of rules that we incorporated into our self-devised game of 'Razzle-Dazzle Drop Football'.

The game consisted primarily of passing;  however, if the pass was incomplete, the other team got the ball wherever it hit the ground.  It was a fast, back-and-forth game that kept things exciting.  We loved playing football and lamented when it was time to end the game and return to our homes. Bob and I would walk down Mercer Road talking all-the-way (occasionally getting distracted by climbing the huge sycamore trees along the way)!

Eventually, we'd switch over to basketball - often playing on the tiny court behind Bob's house on Crescent Heights.  Bob and I frequently continued playing well after dark with the help of a spotlight on the back of his house!

I grew up with these three guys.  There were occasionally others who joined us, but we four had a special friendship that bound us together.  Bob was best man in my wedding, and Larry was one of my groomsmen.

In the summer, we had sleep-outs.  Occasionally, we caroused the neighborhood in the dark, evading automatic lights and swiping a tomato from a neighbor's garden.  I remember one night when we walked out Mercer Road several miles - diving for cover if a car came either way.

Summers also gave us opportunity for bike-hikes.  Usually this meant going far out Stuber Road.  One time we followed an old dirt road and dropped down into Eastvale.  After we discovered this destination, it was just a matter of time before we continued down through Beaver Falls and crossed the 10th Street bridge to return to our homes!

I can remember twice when Bob and I rode our bikes to Darlington Lake.  I don't think our mothers knew we did this!  It was a great place to swim because it had a huge sliding board that dropped into the water!

The leisure season also gave us opportunities to explore the woods behind Brighton Heights.  We hiked up to the 'Indian Caves'.  We built forts and played army. We caught lizards and crabs in the creek.  We hiked down to the Beaver River and then walked the tracks back into town where we'd get a milkshake at Isaly's.

In the winter we would sled-ride on Valley Avenue and lob snowballs from Brighton Heights down on cars traveling up Mercer Road!

Those were fun and free days!

However, our lives changed a bit as we entered junior and senior high school. New friends were developed and our relationships gradually became a bit more distant.  We still occasionally had classes together.  Bob and Larry had engineering prospects;  I took every math class NB offered - just to be with them.  They pulled me through with barely passing grades!  Ha ha ha...   Larry ended up being the valedictorian of our class!  My claim to fame (and reason for being at the head of the procession) was due to singing a solo at our commencement:  "No Man Is An Island".

However, throughout most of those years we continued our friendship by sharing the New Brighton High School 'open-lunch-period' by hitting the Brighton Hot Dog Shop!  Those were the days when three hot dogs, a fry and a shake came to $.95 with $.05 tax;  so, for a buck we had an awesome lunch!  :-)

But life moves on...

I did have the opportunity of marrying Bob and his wife some years later.  I also stopped to visit Larry in his law office one time, but we didn't seem to have anything to talk about.  It's sad that these wonderful friends have not been a part of my adult life, when we shared so many fantastic times together as boys!

I don't know where they are today or what they're doing, but I hope their lives have gone well.  I hope they're happy and fulfilled! I valued their friendship and we shared dreams and fantasies together while having tons of fun!  If I could, I'd thank them for their friendship and the memories we made together!  I'd also pray God's blessings on their lives!

You're Not Going to Kittanning Today, Dad!

It was a year ago today.  Troy and I had been working together.  At 2:30 PM, I stopped and went in to shower and pack so that I could leave for Kittanning in time to arrive for God's Choice Church.  Troy was talking on his phone when I went in and was still talking when I started carrying my bags out.  He met me on the porch and told me that there was something going on.  I tried to push past him saying that I had to get on my way to Kittanning or I'd be late!  He firmly placed his hand on my chest and said:  "You're not going to Kittanning today, Dad!"

I asked, "Why?"  That was my last moment of peace...

His next words jolted my soul and created a disturbance that hasn't settled yet.

"Dad, Trav had a cardiac arrest and is in the hospital in critical condition."

Disbelief.  Shock.  Anguish.  Sorrow.  They mingled together in my mind as I tried to incorporate what my son had just said to me.

To be honest, everything after that is a fog to me.  I know that within hours we were on a plane headed for Honolulu (Debbie, me, Troy and Missy and Tracibeth).  And the next morning we walked into the room where we would keep vigil for the next four days. At first, we were given a small ray of hope, but the longer we stayed, the more we realized that Travis was not coming back to us.

We stood for countless hours at his bedside, stroking his hands and arms and face.  We talked to him, sang to him, prayed with him and even played music for him.  A parade of chaplains visited us and prayed with us. Outstanding among them was Chaplain Lee Axtell, who stopped more frequently and stayed longer than the others.  After Trav's death, we actually attended church with Chaplain Axtell and his wife;  then they took us out to eat.

We were wanderers in a foreign land.

We stayed in a hotel for a few days and then moved to an extremely nice, private home that was made available to us by a private individual who had never met any of us.  Travis' husband, Josh, and a host of his friends and Navy co-workers came to our side;  many of them stayed for hours and came every day.  The hospital personnel were gracious and kind.  Navy wives brought food to us and sat with us.

We toured the house that Trav and Josh had worked so hard on renovating. Oh, how we wished that Travis could be giving us that tour.

We were asked to stay for a week to attend a Memorial service in Travis' honor at the Pearl Harbor Chapel. His Commander and Executive officer came to Travis' bedside to console us.  The chapel was nearly full for that service.  So many Navy Seals came and spoke to us of their tremendous appreciation for Travis;  they unraveled stories that amused and comforted us! Travis' Commander was the primary speaker and highly honored our son with his kind words and stories.  [We have a video of that service, but haven't been able to watch it yet.]

Then, we went home to wait for the final arrangements to be made for the funeral in Annapolis.

All of Deb's siblings attended and my one of my sisters and my brother.  Many of Travis' cousins came.  A few friends and ministry associates came.  Janie and Katie decorated the funeral parlor with pictures of Travis hanging from helium balloons.  Tables were covered with dozens of other pictures;  his smiling face beaming in every one!  Chaplain Axtell came and participated in the funeral.  At the end of the evening, our friend, Pastor Bob Singleton, called everyone together and led in a prayer.

The service took place in the massive, ornate chapel where a small crowd gathered in the first ten pews.  I don't remember much of the service. Afterward, we walked behind the hearse and honor guard across the Academy Yard to the memorial garden where Travis' ashes would be interred. The normally busy Navy world ground to a halt to honor our son!

Along with Josh, we offered a reception for all of our guests and had a short opportunity to visit and receive greetings from so many.  Then, we went home...

The year has been one of massive change for us.  We bought a manufactured home and had it placed on a lot in a retirement community in Enon Valley. Consequently, we moved again - hopefully for the last time.  I continued in my role of part-time pastor.  Debbie retired.

I feel different.  It's impossible for me to explain, but I'd like to try.  Times of real joy are less frequent in our lives.  Debbie has meltdowns, although they are gradually growing further apart.  I am much more forgetful than I've ever been before.  I have a harder time focusing.  My passion for life has diminished.

I've always lived my life looking forward to something:  a date night, a good meal, a family gathering, a vacation, a trip, a holiday, etc., etc..  That's far less true today.  I often find it difficult to find anything to genuinely look forward to.

I find myself wondering how much of what I'm experiencing is grief and how much is a result of aging?  I suspect that grief is the bigger piece of that puzzle.  In spite of being a pastor and counselor, I don't think I've handled my grief very well.  I live a life of constant inner thoughts that hinder my ability to stay focused on what I'm doing.  Although I wept at Travis' bedside, memorial service and funeral, I haven't wept since.

I have so many questions.  Questions about Travis' death.  Questions too private to utter.  So far, no answers.  It seems I'm simply left to ponder.

Debbie and I find our greatest comfort in one another's arms.  We continue to take joy in Troy and Missy and Jon and Tracie and Rylie and Coltin.  We appreciate the comfort we've received from family and a few persistent friends.  We move on.  Sorrow slows our pace.  God is our daily Source of strength.  We know He weeps with us - as do many who are reading this blog...