TUCKED AWAY ON THE FLY-LEAF OF MY MIND

I picked this phrase up from a camp evangelist who used it many years ago; I think his name was David Clardie.

I do not use the phrase, but it occurred to me as I was reading in Genesis 37 this morning.  

The storyline in this chapter takes place after Jacob [son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham] settled in the land of Canaan.  This is the point when Joseph's story takes off.  He is seventeen as this chapter begins and helps his brothers watch the flocks of his father.  Joseph is spoiled!  He is the son of Rachel, Jacob's true love; even though he also had children by Leah [Rachel's older sister] and each of their maidservants: Bilhah and Zilpah.  

Joseph has dreams of grandeur that he unwisely shared with his family.  These dreams portrayed him as someone that his brothers - and even his parents - would someday admire and even honor.  

Obviously, they were all offended by these dreams!  Even Jacob [now known as Israel] seems to scold Joseph:

"What kind of dream is this? Do you actually think that your mother and I and your brothers are going to bow down before you?"  [Genesis 37:10  -  All quotes from The Voice Bible unless otherwise noted.  Remember that this paraphrase prints all words that are not in the original text in italics.]

The very next verse tells us something interesting that is often true for parents:

"Joseph's brothers had become extremely jealous of him.  But his father - though he scolded Joseph - kept this dream in the back of his mind."

It's just something that we do as parents.  We watch our kids grow up and we hold onto thoughts as a result of observations we make.  Sometimes we share these thoughts with our spouses, sometimes we don't.  

Mary did this with Jesus!  

After the shepherds visited the manger scene, we find these words:

"Mary, too, pondered all of these events, treasuring each memory in her heart."  [Luke 2:19]

Later, after Jesus - at the age of twelve - stays behind in Jerusalem and Joseph and Mary have to return to find Him, we find this recorded:

"His mother continued to store these memories like treasures in her heart."  [Luke 2:51]

______________________________________

Surely - if you're a parent - you can identify with this practice.  Perhaps some of us are more prone to this activity due to natural introspective tendencies, but notice that our two illustrations include a man [Israel] and a woman [Mary]!  

I recall sharing one of these observations with Debbie as we sat in our living room in East Liverpool [where our kids grew up].  Travis was four-and-a-half-years older than Troy - to the day!  All three kids were playing on the floor when it hit me.  I simply said [pointing to Travis], "This one is going to make a living with his brain..."  Then I followed [pointing to Troy] "...and this one is going to make a living with his hands."

Travis graduated from the United States Naval Academy and went on to be fully trained in their nuclear program where he ran the reactor on the various subs that he was assigned to.  He attained these things without being an egghead!  He had a wonderful sense of humor and was greatly loved by family and many friends!  He attained the rank of Lieutenant Commander in the U.S. Navy and ended his career planning strategic assignments for the Navy Seal Team based in Honolulu, HI.  *

Troy went a different route.  He initially learned a trade as an upholsterer [as a teenager].  He still uses this skill today as a sidebar.  In Savannah, he worked for Gulfstream Aerospace Corporation [the largest manufacturer of private aircraft] as an upholsterer.  While living with his brother, Travis, for a couple of years he began volunteering as a firefighter.  After years of investment, he transferred to Boardman, OH where he just completed an intensive year of training as a Fire Medic!  

Troy visited one day last week.  We knocked down a tree that had died a few years ago.  I couldn't get my chain saw to run.  Troy quickly took it apart, repaired it and had it running in moments.  I was mesmerized!  He has a skill package that I admire so much!  It's intuitive to him.  I - on the other hand -  am a butcher when it comes to mechanics!  By the way, Troy graduated from high school with a higher GPA than Travis!  :-)

I love both of these sons!  I am proud of each of their accomplishments!  I marvel at the things they've done!  

_______________________________________

These observations don't need to be written down.  Somehow, they imprint themselves on our brains and in our memories!  

This is what parents do!  They observe, support, encourage, prod, rescue, correct, guide, suggest, cheer, affirm, finance, and stand behind their kids ALL THE WAY!  

They make observations without showing preference!  They love their kids and stand behind them to help them make 'their' dreams become a reality!  We do NOT live out our dreams through their lives!  We facilitate their dreams to the best of our ability without showing bias or favor!  Many lives have been deeply damaged by parents who favored one while neglecting others - a pitfall we must be diligent to avoid!  

In Psalm 127:3-5, Solomon speaks of his sons [pardon the male language - daughters are certainly included]!

Know this: children are a gift from the Eternal; the fruit of the womb is His reward.  Your sons born in your youth are a protection, like arrows in the hand of a warrior.  Happy is the man whose quiver is full, for they will help and protect him when he is old.  He will not be humiliated when he is accused at the gate, for his sons will stand with him against his enemies.

The parenting role never ends!  It changes significantly, but never ends!  We maintain contact with our children and continue to support and help them without being intrusive!  

And just so you know that I also treasure our daughter, I watched her back in March while we visited.  She amazes me over and over again by her deep commitment to her marriage and family!  

It was the celebration of our grandson Coltin's, fifteenth birthday.  She made a massive display of a bread charcuterie with a wide array of treats and succulent surprises!  Both sets of grandparents were at the table for the first time!  Tracie carefully seated us and then took her place right between Rylie and Coltin!   :-)   She - and, of course, Jon as well - are clearly the center of their lives at this stage!  I marvel at the depth of commitment to these two maturing adolescents!  

Debbie and I pray for them from a distance [they live in Florida].  We text with them weekly to try to remain a part of their lives.  They are our only grandchildren!  We treasure them!  We make as many memories with them as our exposure allows! 

Tracie was a little 'Tom-boy'.  She was an adventurer and a rescuer.  She is deeply committed to her friends and I have many memories of her tucked away in my heart and mind!  

It's what parents do!  

*  Travis died in October, 2015.

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT...

Grief is like an underground river that periodically works its way to the surface.  It's reawakening can be startling and can elicit a powerful surge of sorrow and loneliness.  

The other day, Debbie and I went to a very small grocery store here in Hope Town to pick up a few necessities.  While checking out, we entered into dialogue with the islander woman who helped us.  When Deb asked her name, she realized that we were speaking to a woman whose 18 year-old son had been washed out to sea during the 2019 hurricane!  Debbie stepped to her side and whispered gently:

"My sister told me about you.  You lost your son in the hurricane, right?"

[Head down]  "Yes, mam."  

"My husband and I have prayed for you.  We lost our son five years ago and understand a little bit about the pain you are going through.  God will give you strength!"

Two women - one black, one white - embraced and wept over the loss of their sons.  

And the river goes underground again...

I'm sitting at the counter working on my next book - a devotional.  I'm reviewing old Facebook posts and blog articles to gather material.  I read a delightful blog I wrote in June of 2012.  [It was titled, "I Talk To Birds" - if you want to check it out.]  Before I closed the page, I noticed that two comments had been left on the blog.  One was anonymous and the other was from Travis:  "Haha, nice! I enjoy their chatter too! Helps me wake up in the mornings."

The water bursts through the surface and from my eyes!  How I miss him!  How I long to lift my phone and hear, "Hey Pops!"  

And the river goes underground again...

When it will surface next, I do not know;  but I know it will...

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for giving us Travis for nearly forty years.

His joy was effervescent and his laugh made us smile.

He gave us SO MUCH to be proud of!

Bless the dear woman from the store,

and all others who know this pain of having lost children.

Wipe the tears from our eyes and give us hope!

For Jesus' sake, Amen

GRIEF CHANNELS DEEPLY

If you follow my blog regularly, then you know that I often process my feelings through my writing.  I'm doing that now - and it's very fresh.

It's 5:30 AM, and I just woke up a bit ago after having a vivid dream about our son, Travis.  In the dream he was so alive and interactive.  He was more mature than I might have expected.  He was as gracious as he always was in real life!  Some of my family - including my nephew, Lee - were travelling and Travis put us all up in an apartment were he was living.  Josh was there, too, of course.  His humor was intact - as expected.  We hugged and talked as though everything was perfectly normal.

And then, after what seemed like a long dream, I woke up.

The trauma of having lost him again hit me with an unexpected force as I lay trying not to shake the bed with my weeping.  It was useless!  Debbie reached out to me as I sobbed and wept for nearly half-an-hour.

Of course, she didn't know the reason for my tears.  She tried to comfort me.  I've been struggling with depression for the last several weeks, so she assumed it had to do with that.  When I explained my dream and the reason for my tears, she joined me as we wept over the loss of our son - four years ago!

This is not a normal experience for me.  I don't weep a lot - very rarely actually.  But this was overpowering.

I miss my son more than words can describe!  I miss the phone calls and the visits.  I miss his wit, his charm, his goofy laugh, his perspective, his counsel, his warmth and acceptance!

I wrestle with a deep pain that I somehow failed him.  It's a cosmic ache in my spirit.  I have regrets that I can't do anything about.  I wonder if he knew how much I loved him?  Did he understand just how proud I was of him?  He always knew he was special - did he realize that I always thought he was special, too?

These are the pains that are associated with grief and they run deeply!  Almost imperceptive, they course through our subconscious and rarely surface.  We smile and go our way and people think we're fine.  We even think we're fine.

And then, suddenly, we're awake at 5:00 AM weeping uncontrollably.

Debbie prayed over me as we lay in the dark together.  I'm feeling a bit stronger now - although tears still dot the deck of my laptop.

Please understand:  I'm not seeking your consolation.  I've deeply appreciated the support of friends and family through the years.  I'm a wealthy man when it comes to this area.  I'm processing publicly to clarify and educate.

On the outside, I'm a big, strong guy.  But on the inside, I'm a deeply broken man who depends on God's grace and who is just trying to find my way - the same as you...

LEANINGS TOWARD ACTIVISM

I've been a letter-writer most of my adult life!  Literally hundreds of letters have gone out under my name over the years.  I've written presidents, senators, congressmen, governors, companies, and even foreign governments.  Fox News, ABC News and CBS News each probably have files with my name on them!  When I view unacceptable programming on TV, I grab my iPhone and send an email!

I remember the day that Travis called and told us that his chief (in the Navy) had recommended that he apply to the Naval Academy.  He did so and was happily invited for an interview.  It went well and weeks later he received his acceptance letter!  Woo Hoo!  He called to report that all he needed now was a letter of recommendation from one of his state senators.

My heart sank!  We lived in Ohio at the time and I had repeatedly written critical letters to Senators Metzenbaum and Glenn.  I gave Trav the bad news:  "Son, there's no way you'll get a recommendation from either of these senators.  They're the two most liberal senators and I've written to them many times - they'll quickly connect you to me!"  Ever the optimist, he responded:  "Oh no, Dad, I'll get a letter from one of them!"

Three weeks later he called and told me that they wouldn't even talk with him about a recommendation.  :-(    I was crushed!

But, he persevered!  "Dad, I can still hope for a recommendation from the president or the vice president!"

"Travis, I hate to tell you this, but I've also written numberless letters to President Clinton and Vice President Gore!  You're going to run into the same wall!"

"Oh no, Dad, they won't connect me to you..."

Weeks later:  "Dad, you were right.  They won't even respond to my requests."

"Trav, is there any other way that you can get a recommendation?"

"Yeah, there's one more route - the Secretary of the Navy.  Have you ever written to him, Dad?"  "No, son, I've never written to him."  [And that's where Travis got his recommendation!  😊]

But even this negative experience didn't stop me.  I've picketed porn shops and marched outside Planned Parenthood Clinics.  I've repeatedly attended the annual March for Life in Washington, D.C. and carried signs on the sidewalk in front of the White House and the Supreme Court [for nearly three years we lived just outside the D.C. Beltway].  I've joined others in prayer in these places as well!  I've attended Senate hearings (when allowed) and participated in National Day of Prayer events in D.C. as well as in every locality in which I've lived.

Obviously, I lean toward making my voice be heard!  Debbie and I have had a conflict over and over throughout the years.  She's a Fox news junkie and makes frequent complaints about things going on politically in our nation.  I always come back with the challenge to write an email [which is SO EASY to do] and let her voice be heard!  That usually ends our discussion...

Today, however, after Senator Minority Leader, Schumer's public threats against Supreme Court Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh - I finally got her to write an email !  I had already written him two  this morning and told her how easy it was.  "Just type "Write Schumer" into your browser and follow the link and instructions;  it will take you all of five minutes to send him an email!"

She did it!  Woo Hoo!  Take my word for it - if Debbie can do it - SO CAN YOU!  

A LETTER TO OUR SON

Dear Travis,

It was forty-three years ago that you officially entered our world.  We had a real scare while your Mom was carrying you and feared you might not make it.  Dr. Dunkelberger ordered your Mom to have complete rest for two weeks.  Every morning, I carried her from our tiny bedroom to the living room with many bright windows and canary-yellow curtains.  At that time we lived in a 40' mobile home in Wilmore, Kentucky.  That's right, you're a true southerner!  Then, in the evenings, I'd carry her back to the bedroom.  The precautions paid off and you startled us on this date all those years ago by letting your Mom know it was time to come into our world!  You were not expected for another five-and-a-half-weeks!  But you were joyfully received!

You continually brought us joy!  We remember taking you with us - late at night - to Pizza Hut and having you sit in your carrier while we ate and marveled over you.  We kissed your little feet and snuggled you at every opportunity.  You slept in a bassinet at the foot of our bed.  The bedroom was so small, your Mom had to climb over the bed to get into it!  Your Mom used cloth diapers, and you kept her busy washing them.  One time, when she was changing you, she saw your face redden.  Not wanting to see you go in a clean diaper, she reacted quickly and caught your disposal in her HAND!  Oh yes, she loved you!  

As you grew, we could see how intelligent you were.  You loved for us to read to you!  The VALUE books we bought were consumed over and over again.  Then, you began reading on your own.  I remember the day that you told me about a book titled "The Hobbit";  you seemed to think I would enjoy it.  You were right!  You did well in school, but always avoided doing too well;  it seems that you desperately wanted to avoid being considered an egg-head.  But your capability remained in reserve, as you eventually showed years later at the Naval Academy.  We were always so proud of you!  

Your socialization skills were off-the-chart!  You clearly got a large personality bequest from your Mom!  You made friends easily and brightened every room you ever entered.  People loved you!  Your friends valued you!  Your family prized you!  Your peers respected you!  You were a near-perfect blend of intelligence, humor, likability and reliability.  It served you well.

You had your down times.  You carried your burdens very privately.  Occasionally, you would ask us for advice - or prayer.  Dark periods visited your soul, but you always seemed to find your way through.  You had grit and determination.  But the wounds left scars to remind you of the lows you'd passed through.  

Travis, it's an understatement to say that you amazed us with your life and accomplishments.  You've done things and been places that utterly astound us.  Aside from your understanding about nuclear reactors, you compiled knowledge and experience in so many areas.  I remember you calling me one time when you were on the mast of the USS Parche.  The sub had just hit open waters and you were the last on deck.  You squeezed the call in for one last goodbye before submerging for 122 days (a record at that time)!  I sat stunned after your call for a long time thinking about you!

We miss you so much, son!  Last night, your Mom was very quiet and kind of grumpy.  She almost went to bed at 7 o'clock, but waited ultimately until 8:30 PM.  I suspected she was struggling;  her puffy eyes were a big clue.  I retired with her and held her as she sobbed for half-an-hour before finally falling asleep.  This happens over-and-over.  It's as though part of her was ripped away when you left us!  We miss you every day!  We especially miss you at holidays and family gatherings.  We miss your laugh.  We miss your fun-loving ways.  We miss seeing you tear into Christmas packages with reckless abandon.  We miss your cooking.  We miss your generosity!  We miss your unpredictable phone calls.  I miss your, "Hey Pops, what's up?"  We think of you every day and wonder how life would be different if you were still with us!  

I hope you'd be happy to know that Josh has truly become part of our family.  We love him as we loved you!  He is fulfilling the role of 'the loving and generous uncle' to Rylie and Coltin!  They love him as they loved you!  Tracie and Jon are doing everything in their power to help them always remember you!  

Our pain runs deep as we move on in life without you!  Troy and Tracie still bring us great joy, of course.  Our lives are good - but different than they would have been.  I hope you understand that I just couldn't let your birthday pass without talking with you a bit.  It's therapeutic for me to talk with you like this.  I miss you, son!  And I love you...

Pops

ROLE MODELS

Somewhere in a shoe-box in one of our cupboards is a picture of me when I was about ten years old.  My Dad was a delegate to the Free Methodist General Conference in Winona Lake, Indiana.  My Mom was a delegate from the Pittsburgh Conference to the Women's Missionary Society's global conference.  In the picture, I am standing proudly with my hero, Jacob DeShazer.

If you don't recognize the name, he was one of DooLittle's Raiders, who on April 18, 1942, flew a top secret mission to drop bombs on Tokyo, Japan.  This attack was a much needed response to the earlier attack on Pearl Harbor.  The eighty men were all volunteers and this was a very dangerous mission.  Sixteen specially adapted B-25 bombers took off from the deck of the USS Hornet, led by Colonel Jimmy DooLittle.  They were to fly over Japan, drop their bombs and fly on to land in a part of China that was still free.   [credit to www.doolittleraider.com]

Jake DeShazer and the rest of his crew were forced to parachute into enemy territory over Ningpo, China when their B-25 ran out of fuel. DeShazer was injured in his fall into a cemetery and along with the rest of his crew, he was captured the very next day by the Japanese.  During his captivity, he was sent to Tokyo with the survivors of another Doolittle crew, and was held in a series of P.O.W. camps both in Japan and China for 40 months – 34 of them in solitary confinement. He was severely beaten and malnourished while three of the crew were executed by a firing squad, and another died of slow starvation.  As the war came to an end, on 20 August 1945, DeShazer and the others in the camp at Beijing, China were finally released when American soldiers parachuted into the camp.

During his captivity, DeShazer persuaded one of his guards to loan him a copy of the Bible. Although he only had possession of the Bible for three weeks, he saw its messages as the reason for his survival and resolved to become a devout Christian. His conversion included learning a few words of Japanese and treating his captors with respect, which resulted in the guards reacting in a similar fashion.

After his release, DeShazer began studying to be a missionary, eventually to return to Japan with his wife, Florence, in 1948.  DeShazer, the Doolittle Raider who bombed Nagoya, met Captain Mitsuo Fuchida, who led the attack on Pearl Harbor, becoming close friends.  Fuchida became a Christian in 1950 after reading a tract written about DeShazer and spent the rest of his life as a missionary in Asia and the United States. On occasion, DeShazer and Fuchida preached together as Christian missionaries in Japan. In 1959, DeShazer moved to Nagoya to establish a Christian church in the very city he had bombed.   [credit to Wikipedia for some of this history]

My parents did everything in their power to help me select godly models and heroes.  I don't know if they planned this, or if it was just part of their parenting wisdom.  Today's youth are likely to choose heroes from sports, movies, television, or music industries.  Some of these individuals are worthy of emulation - others not so.  Parents can have an impact on the choices of their children and youth.  

When Debbie and I were raising our family, we made the sacrifice and bought family tickets to concerts by Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, Carmen, Sandy Patti and others.  One time, while attending a Sandy Patti concert, Travis joined her on stage with many other children to sing "Love In Any Language";  he stood right next to her!  :-)  We kept them involved in our church in hopes that they would find appropriate role models among the young adults there.

We don't have to like it, but when our children hit their teens they will often turn away from us.  This is a typical and necessary response that is part of their self-identification process.  Our influence begins to diminish while their peer influence peaks!  During this time, they will select older role models who may play a major influential place in their lives.  

While I led the Oakland Church in East Liverpool, I hired a young lady straight from college to be our Youth Pastor.  Raeanne Thompson (now Barlow) grew our youth program significantly during her years with us!  She reached into some of the poorest parts of our community and drew kids to her side.  She was innovative and fun-loving and the kids respected and admired her.  Travis thought the world of her and defended her activities when they were attacked by older adults who didn't approve of her methods.  Many times, Debbie and I thanked the Lord for her influence on our kids!  

As parents, we need to do everything we can to try to help our kids find worthy heroes!  Much of this process is not fully conscious on their part, so our creative guidance in this area can have an impact!  With a heavy dose of prayer accompanying our stealth direction, we may see very desirable outcomes!  

OCTOBER THOUGHTS

In some respects, it's remarkable that I haven't written more about my Mom over the years!  She was certainly the dominant force in my formative years.  As I've written before, my father wasn't an affectionate man and we did very little together.  I did become closer to him when I became an adult, but we never shared a deep sense of bondedness.

But Mom (Hazel Haire) was my 'hand's on' parent!  Her impact was persistent and powerful!  Her constant love for the Lord led her to be deeply involved in our local church.  When I was a teen, she was a key leader in the Pittsburgh Conference Women's Missionary Society.  Her passion for missions was epic!  We frequently had missionaries stay in our home overnight or for a few days! 

In addition, she was deeply committed to prayer!  Her Bible is still filled with lists of people that she was regularly praying for.  She cultivated in me a passion for God and for the things He cared about.  She poured endless time and energy into preparation for mission events.  She planned and executed "This Is Your Life" programs for a number of missionaries and other church leaders. 

I still possess notebooks in which she tucked away magazine clippings, bulletin items, scriptures, sermon notes, and other items that she didn't want to lose track of.  I wonder if she had a dream of someday collating much of this information into a book-form?  She inculcated a similar practice in me that has resulted in a massive, alphabetized electronic file that has fueled my sermons and teaching for decades! 

She died a little over a year after having a heart-valve replaced.  The surgery had been successful, but the anti-rejection medications eventually took her life.  She died less than two months after Tracibeth was born.  The date was October 10, 1981.  I was 29.

Losing her had a massive impact on my life!  Essentially, Troy and Tracie have no memories that include her!  :-(   Travis had some memories of her deep love for him!  I understand that this is one of the results of being the youngest in my family;  however, knowing that my children missed out on her tremendous influence and love has been a chronic point of sorrow for me! 

For years after her death, I experienced a bout of depression when October rolled around.  Even though over thirty-five years have passed, I still can't get past an October 10th without missing her deeply! 

Then, two years ago, early October was marked even more deeply by Travis' death!  We got word of his cardiac arrest on October 5, 2015.  It was just past 3:30 PM and I was about to get in the car when Troy put his hand on my chest and said, "Dad, you're not going to Kittanning today."  That's when our world collapsed...

By 8:30 PM, remarkably, we were on an airplane headed for Honolulu.  The next day we arrived at the hospital to stand by his bedside and weep.  He died three days later on October 9.

The next weeks went by like a blur.  There was a memorial service at the Pearl Harbor Chapel attended by his work associates and friends.  There was the funeral at the Naval Academy in Annapolis.  Through it all - we were numb.

The first anniversary of these dates was difficult.  We (Debbie, me, Troy, Tracie and Josh) mourned together via text.  We upheld one another with words of affection and prayers of concern.  We were all deeply hurting.

This year has been different.  Debbie and I spent a quiet week at a condo in North Carolina.  She hardly went out at all.  I ventured out for some hiking.  We were quiet all week.  We both did a lot of reading and napping.  Troy and Missy attended a retreat in Arizona for the siblings of lost military members.  I guess we're all finding our way through this the best we can...

Since Travis passed, our 'highs' aren't near as high and our 'lows' are much lower!  Neither of us are as social as we used to be.  Even Debbie, who has carried me relationally for over forty-four years, now often suggests that we just 'take a pass' on interactive engagements. 

Many others have been down this road before us.  They report that the pain lessens with the passing of time.  I guess we can attest to that to some degree, however, the knowledge that our precious son is gone can assault us at the most unsuspecting moments. 

We live with questions that can't be answered or are too difficult to ask...  Times of real joy - that used to regularly punctuate our lives - are extremely rare now. 

Somewhere in my training as a counselor, I read that one must talk of your lost loved one for one-hundred hours to facilitate the healing process.  However, most people - understandably - are reluctant to bring up Travis' name for fear of causing us pain.  A corrective to this scenario is:  WE LOVE TALKING ABOUT OUR SON! 

I recently had a chance to talk with our nephew, Colin Bredl, who is also serving as an officer in the United States Navy.  I shared a number of 'Travis stories' with him.  I don't know what he thought of my candor.  It was therapeutic for me to talk with Colin.  Upon Travis' death, his Commander heard about Colin;  some phone calls were made and Colin was granted 'leave' to travel to Annapolis for the funeral.  It meant a lot to us to have him there! 

I weep.  I hold Debbie when she weeps.  We occasionally lay awake at night in sullen sorrow.  Sometimes we speak;  other times we just hold hands.  All of the time we lean on the One who loves us most:

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained

Too deeply for mirth or song,

As the burdens press, and the cares distress

And the way grows weary and long?

Refrain

Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,

His heart is touched with my grief;

When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,

I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark

With a nameless dread and fear?

As the daylight fades into deep night shades,

Does He care enough to be near?

Refrain

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed

To resist some temptation strong;

When for my deep grief there is no relief,

Though my tears flow all the night long?

Refrain

Does Jesus care when I’ve said goodbye

To the dearest on earth to me,

And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,

Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Refrain

A Mother's Grief

I grieve the loss of our son, Travis, but my grief is significantly different than Debbie's.

This morning, I gained some insight into that difference while reading in Isaiah (in The Voice Bible).

[49:14-16]

Zion:  The Eternal One has abandoned me.  God has walked out the door; my Lord left me alone. He has forgotten all about me.   

Eternal One:  Is it possible for a mother, however disappointed, however hurt, to forget her nursing child?  Can she feel nothing for the baby she carried and birthed?  

Even if she could, I God, will never forget you.  

Look here.  I have made you a part of Me,written you on the palms of My hands.

The Voice Bible added some helpful commentary:

"There are many kinds of love - and not enough words to tell the differences. Hebrew has a word for 'love' that is related to it's word for a woman's womb. English has no such word.  It is too bad, for it is difficult to describe womb-love, the bearing-and-birthing love of a mother, the kind of love that the Lord has for the people of God's promise...God loves them in the same way a mother loves the child growing in her womb.  It can't be said so neatly and completely with one 'love' word, but that is the idea that threads its way through this text."

I walked into the living room yesterday afternoon and noticed that Debbie was curled up in her chair with a look of deep anguish and loneliness.  I immediately knew what the problem was.  In my maleness, I am often befuddled in this situation and unsure of what I should do.  However, experience has taught me to hold her, so I knelt beside her chair and wrapped my arms around her.  She caved into my arms and wailed and sobbed for long moments.  No words...

Earlier than usual (8:30 PM), she excused herself and went to bed.  I followed an hour later and again held her for a long time as she wept.  

It's been a year-and-a-half since Travis passed.  These melt-downs are less frequent now, but still occur.  I don't expect them to ever end completely.

I learned this morning that Debbie's grief is different than mine because she birthed that baby boy back in February of 1976.  She knew him intimately for seven-and-a-half-months before I did!  God used her body to form his body. Travis could have made it into this world without me being present, but he was utterly dependent on her to get him here!  

By the very nature of the process, she was more connected to him than I ever was.  Oh, I loved him and love him still.  I long to talk with him.  He was the pride of my life!  But my grief will NEVER compare to Debbie's!  

Interestingly, Troy and Missy had shared hours and a meal with us during the afternoon.  Just a week ago we spent time with Tracie and Jon, Rylie and Coltin.  We're deeply grateful for the love of our family!  Yet, as much as we love, enjoy and are proud of Troy and Tracie, they can never replace Travis!  

We will miss him for as long as we live!  I will walk into a room of tears again and again...  I will hold my wife and comfort her.  I will never stop talking with my son - as I do now so frequently.  

And you should also know that we are each comforted by the One who loves us in the same way that a mother loves her child!  There is no comfort like His comfort!  

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Travis' birthday having just passed (2/24), I've found myself thinking about him even more than usual.  I thought I'd share a story from his life that illustrates the wonderful work of a loving and caring God.

I've written previously about a season of my life when I was not operating wisely in the financial realm. Unfortunately, that season coincided with Travis' graduation from high school.

He was so intelligent and we knew that he really needed to go to college. However, we were already in significant debt with troubling cash-flow difficulties.  Lacking wisdom, we had not prepared to send our son to college. Debbie and I repeatedly took this problem to God in prayer.  We asked Him to provide a way for Travis to get a good education!   [For more on debt recovery, check out the post titled:  "Once upon a time..."]

This precipitated a difficult conversation with my son.  I had to confess my inadequacies and tell him that we were not prepared to be much help to him when it came to going to college.  Essentially, I told him, "Travis, I'm sorry! The only way you're going to be able to go to college is for your Mom and me to go further into debt - and for you to accrue debt yourself."

This was one of the low moments in my life!

However, Travis had done well in school and met the criteria for some level of help through scholarships. That was exciting, and we were proud of him!

We made quite a few day-trips to visit colleges.  His Mom and I liked Mt. Vernon Nazarene College in Ohio.  We could tell that Travis leaned toward Washington and Jefferson College in Pennsylvania.  Probably out of a desire to please us, he chose Mt. Vernon.

He called me during the fall semester and said, "Dad, they're more strict here than you were!  They won't even let us watch Seinfeld!"  Ha ha ha ha...

He came home early for the Christmas break due to a dormitory fire.  We thoroughly enjoyed having him home!  Right after Christmas, he announced that he was not going back to school!  He had joined the Navy!

I pretended to be ok with that decision, but inside I was very upset with him. I desperately wanted him to get a college education;  I knew the sky was the limit for Travis!

But, his thinking was to get the Navy to help him reach his goal - which at the time was to become a doctor.

He spent the next couple of months with us and then reported to boot camp in late March!  We attended his graduation and then they sent him to 'Power School' in Orlando.  (Poor boy!)

After over a year there, one of his chief's told him that he should apply to the Naval Academy:  "They're looking for guys like you;  and they take 90 from the enlisted ranks every year."

I told him to go for it.  He called months later saying that they wanted him to come for an interview.  Woo Hoo!

A month or so later, he called again and said that the interview seemed to go well!  More weeks passed and then he called saying that he had received an invitation to be part of the class of 2000!!!!!   All he needed was to get one of his state senators to give him a recommendation (each senator has the privilege of extending two recommendations.)

My heart immediately sank!

I explained to Travis that the state of Ohio had two of the most liberal senators and that I had written to each of them many times!  In my opinion, they would connect him to me and refuse to give him consideration. 
However, he was convinced he would get his recommendation.

He called a couple of weeks later and indicated that I was right - they wouldn't give him the time of day.

I asked if he had other options.  He said that he could possibly get a recommendation from the president or vice president.

After a pause, I told him that I had also written many letters to both of these men.  Again, ever the optimist, Travis was convinced that he would get a recommendation from either Bill Clinton or Al Gore.

After a couple of weeks, he called to report that they refused to consider his appeal.

You can only imagine how I was feeling at this point!  First, I had failed to prepare to send him to college. Now, I had inadvertently roadblocked his possibilities for attending the United States Naval Academy!!!!

I asked if there were any other options.  He said that the secretary of the Navy also had two recommendations to offer.  Then, he tentatively asked:  "Dad, you haven't written any letters to the Secretary of the Navy, have you?"

I was delighted to respond that I had NOT written to this man!

Remarkably, Travis got his recommendation and started Plebe summer at the USNA on July 2, 1996.

When his earthly father had botched it, his Heavenly Father found a creative route to get him a free education valued at over a quarter million dollars!!!!!!

Our God is an awesome God!!!!!!

Army - Navy Game

As I sit watching the Army - Navy game, I can't help but reflect on one of the most exciting days of my life!  Travis got me a ticket to the big game;  I think it was 2010.  He was Flag Secretary to the Admiral serving as Superintendent of the Naval Academy.  He arranged priority VIP parking for me!  I sat on the fifty yard line a few seats from the Superintendent and his guests. I was surrounded by Navy officers and other dignitaries.

Travis wasn't able to be with me much due to his responsibilities, part of which was to host Vice President Biden during the first half and then escort him to mid-field at halftime to sit on the Army side for the balance of the game. Travis said that he was a REALLY nice man.

Travis told me to go to the upper level where my ticket would give me access to all I could eat at the Superintendent's tailgater.  I was overwhelmed with all the goodies that were available. When Travis stopped by to check on me, he asked why I didn't have any of the good food. Turns out, I only took advantage of the Navy tailgater.

He took me back up, where we entered a heated room with a full bar and a smorgasbord of fine foods served on china serviceware!  It was WONDERFUL!!!!  I hob-nobbed with senators, admirals, captains and other distinguished guests. I felt out-of-place, but Travis moved through the crowd with familiarity and grace!  It seemed like everyone knew him and enjoyed him!

That day, he bought me a Navy stocking cap, Navy gloves, a souvenir program and a Navy scarf!  (It was a very cold day!)  It was so nice to have a place to go and get warm - as well as to get free Cokes and delicious food!

It was an incredible day that I will never forget, yet it was only one of numerous similar experiences that I had with Travis. He was such an amazing son and I miss him SO MUCH!  I'm so proud of him as an intelligent, kind, fun and generous person; and I'm unspeakably proud of his phenomenal accomplishments and achievements.

All who knew him loved him, and all who loved him admired him.

You're Not Going to Kittanning Today, Dad!

It was a year ago today.  Troy and I had been working together.  At 2:30 PM, I stopped and went in to shower and pack so that I could leave for Kittanning in time to arrive for God's Choice Church.  Troy was talking on his phone when I went in and was still talking when I started carrying my bags out.  He met me on the porch and told me that there was something going on.  I tried to push past him saying that I had to get on my way to Kittanning or I'd be late!  He firmly placed his hand on my chest and said:  "You're not going to Kittanning today, Dad!"

I asked, "Why?"  That was my last moment of peace...

His next words jolted my soul and created a disturbance that hasn't settled yet.

"Dad, Trav had a cardiac arrest and is in the hospital in critical condition."

Disbelief.  Shock.  Anguish.  Sorrow.  They mingled together in my mind as I tried to incorporate what my son had just said to me.

To be honest, everything after that is a fog to me.  I know that within hours we were on a plane headed for Honolulu (Debbie, me, Troy and Missy and Tracibeth).  And the next morning we walked into the room where we would keep vigil for the next four days. At first, we were given a small ray of hope, but the longer we stayed, the more we realized that Travis was not coming back to us.

We stood for countless hours at his bedside, stroking his hands and arms and face.  We talked to him, sang to him, prayed with him and even played music for him.  A parade of chaplains visited us and prayed with us. Outstanding among them was Chaplain Lee Axtell, who stopped more frequently and stayed longer than the others.  After Trav's death, we actually attended church with Chaplain Axtell and his wife;  then they took us out to eat.

We were wanderers in a foreign land.

We stayed in a hotel for a few days and then moved to an extremely nice, private home that was made available to us by a private individual who had never met any of us.  Travis' husband, Josh, and a host of his friends and Navy co-workers came to our side;  many of them stayed for hours and came every day.  The hospital personnel were gracious and kind.  Navy wives brought food to us and sat with us.

We toured the house that Trav and Josh had worked so hard on renovating. Oh, how we wished that Travis could be giving us that tour.

We were asked to stay for a week to attend a Memorial service in Travis' honor at the Pearl Harbor Chapel. His Commander and Executive officer came to Travis' bedside to console us.  The chapel was nearly full for that service.  So many Navy Seals came and spoke to us of their tremendous appreciation for Travis;  they unraveled stories that amused and comforted us! Travis' Commander was the primary speaker and highly honored our son with his kind words and stories.  [We have a video of that service, but haven't been able to watch it yet.]

Then, we went home to wait for the final arrangements to be made for the funeral in Annapolis.

All of Deb's siblings attended and my one of my sisters and my brother.  Many of Travis' cousins came.  A few friends and ministry associates came.  Janie and Katie decorated the funeral parlor with pictures of Travis hanging from helium balloons.  Tables were covered with dozens of other pictures;  his smiling face beaming in every one!  Chaplain Axtell came and participated in the funeral.  At the end of the evening, our friend, Pastor Bob Singleton, called everyone together and led in a prayer.

The service took place in the massive, ornate chapel where a small crowd gathered in the first ten pews.  I don't remember much of the service. Afterward, we walked behind the hearse and honor guard across the Academy Yard to the memorial garden where Travis' ashes would be interred. The normally busy Navy world ground to a halt to honor our son!

Along with Josh, we offered a reception for all of our guests and had a short opportunity to visit and receive greetings from so many.  Then, we went home...

The year has been one of massive change for us.  We bought a manufactured home and had it placed on a lot in a retirement community in Enon Valley. Consequently, we moved again - hopefully for the last time.  I continued in my role of part-time pastor.  Debbie retired.

I feel different.  It's impossible for me to explain, but I'd like to try.  Times of real joy are less frequent in our lives.  Debbie has meltdowns, although they are gradually growing further apart.  I am much more forgetful than I've ever been before.  I have a harder time focusing.  My passion for life has diminished.

I've always lived my life looking forward to something:  a date night, a good meal, a family gathering, a vacation, a trip, a holiday, etc., etc..  That's far less true today.  I often find it difficult to find anything to genuinely look forward to.

I find myself wondering how much of what I'm experiencing is grief and how much is a result of aging?  I suspect that grief is the bigger piece of that puzzle.  In spite of being a pastor and counselor, I don't think I've handled my grief very well.  I live a life of constant inner thoughts that hinder my ability to stay focused on what I'm doing.  Although I wept at Travis' bedside, memorial service and funeral, I haven't wept since.

I have so many questions.  Questions about Travis' death.  Questions too private to utter.  So far, no answers.  It seems I'm simply left to ponder.

Debbie and I find our greatest comfort in one another's arms.  We continue to take joy in Troy and Missy and Jon and Tracie and Rylie and Coltin.  We appreciate the comfort we've received from family and a few persistent friends.  We move on.  Sorrow slows our pace.  God is our daily Source of strength.  We know He weeps with us - as do many who are reading this blog...

Walking on the Edge

It was early and dark, with subtle hints that dawn would come.  I was alone. The waves were gentle and barely made a sound;  I knew they were there although I couldn't yet see them.  The ocean had receded well over a hundred yards from where I walked.  Only a few condos had lights on.  A few lights scattered across the water indicated that some were fishing.  It was quiet and still and a refreshing-but-infrequent breeze delighted me.  

I cherish moments like these.

My friends in China are ending their day as we prepare to begin ours.  The sun sets in the east as it rises in the west.  I feel closer to them by being here. I wonder how my students are doing?  Most have graduated now and are moving on with their lives.  They write of the sorrow of college days ending. Some are studying furiously in preparation for post-graduate exams! Others have returned home to sort out the rest of their lives.  Still others have found jobs in distant cities and are stretching their wings.  A small fraction are already engaged in post-graduate studies.

My heart still frequently walks the streets of Changchun!  I visit Yitong He where I walked so many times along the river!  I hurry up the sidewalk along Weixing Liu as I did so many times on my way to classes.  I wander down Vendor Street (my selected name) and smell the foods being prepared by the street vendors.  I stop and peruse the items on their tables.  I listen to the banter over prices for fruits and vegetables.  I remember the feeling of adventure of being so far from home.  I saunter down the long hall to our twelfth floor apartment and reflect on the comfort and simplicity of our China home!  I look out our windows at the massive, red Chinese characters on the tops of the surrounding buildings.  I see hundreds of older people walking and talking their way around South Campus in the early morning!

It's real to me.

How glad I am that we spent those years teaching in China.  How much I appreciate the cultural experiences we had.  I miss the food!  I reflect on the challenges.  I ponder our trips!  I remember my classroom experiences and the relationships with students.  I smile as I reflect on the animated discussions that took place during my morning 'Free-Talk' gatherings.  I remember the passion and creativity of my students!

Going there was a huge and fearful adventure for us - but oh, how glad I am that we took the plunge! My life is so enriched.

We rarely talk of it now.  Very few inquire of our experiences.  We just passed a year of being back in the states.  Our lives have acclimated through many painful experiences to our present state.  We have a new home.  I've been at my new job for a year.  Life is different than its ever been before.

Because my work is over an hour away, building deep relationships is a huge challenge.  Outside of family, we haven't really developed new friendships. Relationships with old friends are awkward and infrequent.  In some ways, I feel like a transient;  three days there and four days here.  My life is new in ways I don't quite know how to handle.

I seem to be balancing between two worlds - both somewhat foreign to me. I'm struggling to find a new comfort zone.  Home doesn't feel quite like home. My heart feels different than its ever felt before.

The early hints of dawn are now broadening into full cloud cover.  No sunrise is visible this morning, but the light filters through.  I find a porch swing at the beach entrance and mull over my thoughts and feelings............
I miss Travis more than I can describe!

Profanity

At the beginning of the summer of 1982, we moved from McClellandtown, Pennsylvania to East Liverpool, Ohio, where I became pastor of the Oakland Free Methodist Church.  Travis was 6, Troy was nearly 2, and Tracie was 1. We lived at 315 Hill Boulevard in the church's small parsonage.

The previous pastor had enjoyed the company of a family dog.  As soon as we moved in, a lady from Oakland church talked Debbie into taking a kitten. Without even unpacking, we loaded up to move to the Tri State Campground for the annual 10-day Family Camp!  It was a chaotic time!

We left the kitten in the house while we went to camp, stopping by daily to feed it and change the litter.  At the end of camp, we gratefully returned to our new, little home.  Within seconds of walking in, Debbie noticed that her socks and the children's feet were covered with fleas!  Having been through a stressful couple of months, she simply said (intended to be under-her-breath), "Damn cat!"

Once we were settled in and fully unpacked, we took the kids and went to Pittsburgh for the day to enjoy the Three Rivers Arts Festival!  It was a hot day.  I backpacked Troy and Debbie pushed Tracie in her stroller.  On the way into the park, somehow-or-other, Debbie stepped in some dog poop with a brand new pair of sandals she had recently bought.  Needless to say, she was disgusted.

In spite of the heat, we had a nice time and were all pretty tired as we headed back to the car.  On the journey, without knowing quite how it happened, Debbie looked down and noticed that a pigeon had crapped on her new shoes. I was walking a bit ahead of her;  she called out to me in disgust:  "I just got pigeon shit on my new sandals!"

It was perhaps a week later when we were going out to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.  I'm not quite sure how it worked out, but one of the young women from McClellandtown had agreed to watch the kids while we were out.  So, Barb Barnhart arrived and as she walked into the house, Travis blurted out: "Hey Barb, my Mom says shit and damn!"

Debbie, in instant embarrassment, looked impulsively at Barb - who had a somewhat stunned look on her face;  she then decided that it wasn't even worth trying to explain it.  She simply let it pass...

Travis' Dream!

We lived in East Liverpool, Ohio at the time in a big house that overlooked the Ohio River and Chester, West Virginia.  We loved that house because of all the oak wood (including floors) and the tile fireplace.

However, we rarely used the fireplace.  It was such a source of heat loss, that I covered it with plexiglass during the winter so you could still enjoy its beauty. 

Our tradition included hiding baskets filled with candy and small toys.  On Easter morning, the kids would have to search the house to find their baskets.  This search proved to be a very fun experience for them as my creativity at hiding the baskets escalated!

As a matter of fact, one year Troy didn't find his basket until we returned from church.  On the way into the house, he saw it hanging from a hook on the front porch about ten feet off the ground! 

The year Travis was 10, I had hidden his basket in the fireplace behind the plexiglass, a card table and a pot of flowers.  I was convinced it would take him a loooooong time to find it!

However, he came down the oak stairs, crossed the living room, moved the flowers, the card table, the plexiglass and immediately found his basket.  I was astonished as I asked him how he knew where it was.

He said, "Dad, I dreamed that you hid it in the fireplace!" 

His reaction:  He was totally bummed because he had been robbed of all the fun of hunting for his basket! 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

Fishing

When I was leading a church in McClellandtown, Pennsylvania, I discovered that the men of this church loved to fish!  Several of the men would occasionally bring fish to the house after one of their trips.  At that point in time, Debbie didn't even know how to prepare it.  :-)

Once a year, the men would plan a weekend fishing trip.  The one I recall the clearest was when we went to Confluence, Pennsylvania and fished at the outflow of the Youghiogheny Dam.  This is a great place for catching trout.  Some of the guys had campers and others set up tents. 

Travis was about five years old, so he and I joined the men and had a wonderful weekend.  Delbert Bowers took Travis under his wing and taught him to fish.  Another fellow named Wayne Franks had been a cook in the CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps).  He brought a huge griddle and built a fire under it.  He did all the cooking for the weekend and we ate like kings! 

But we didn't eat fish!  Everyone agreed that it happened to be a weekend when the fish just weren't biting!  Sort of sad.  Believe me, if anyone could catch fish - these guys could do it!  But, as it turned out, Travis was the only one to catch a fish!  Ha ha ha ha...

He caught a six-inch trout! 

Later that day, I got an idea.  I took every man's picture holding up Travis' fish!  :-)

The next Sunday when the men all came to church I had the bulletin board filled with their pictures!  Every man who went was pictured - smiling and holding up Travis' trout! 

Mr. Rogers

I just watched a great video of Mr. Rogers on my friend, Tracy Massey's Facebook page.  It reminded me of a story.  :-)

When Travis was young, he LOVED Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and watched it every day.

My mother was still living then and she dearly loved Travis - even though she struggled to pronounce his name properly.  She so wanted to connect with him that she started watching Mr. Rogers every day too, so that she could talk with Travis about things on the show when he came to visit.

In time, she developed heart problems and had to have open-heart surgery for a valve replacement.  In 1980, this was a critical, new procedure that required a long, step-down process of recovery in the hospital.

One day while she was in a regular, two-patient room, my Dad was there to spend the day with her.  As they sat talking, she could see into the hall and noticed Mr. Rogers walking by her room.

For those who don't know, Fred Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister who often visited in the Pittsburgh hospitals.

Mom quickly told my dad to run him down and ask him if he would visit her! My dad obediently ran down the hall in pursuit of this famous man.  He readily returned to mom's room and spent twenty minutes with her - even praying with her!

Before he left, she told him, "Mr. Rogers, I watch your show every day! Would you give me an autograph for my grandson, Travis?"  He signed her lunch menu before he left.  I wonder what ever happened to that?

Future Expectations

It was probably 1987.  Travis would have been 11, Troy 7, and Tracibeth 6.

It was warm weather - probably summer.  I was running somewhere on an errand and the kids decided - as always - that it would be more fun running with Dad than staying at home.

Tracie - always the quickest - hollered out "Shotgun!"  So, she got to ride up front with me with Travis and Troy in the back seat. 

By the way, Troy never got to sit up front.  Travis and Tracie were always quicker on the draw.  Occasionally, I would tip Troy off ahead of time to give him an advantage.  Some of those times, he managed to get the front seat.

We were living on Thompson Avenue in East Liverpool, Ohio.  My friend, Ron Kelly, once told me that East Liverpool isn't the armpit of Ohio, but you can see it from there.  Our house was on the edge of a cliff overlooking Chester, West Virginia and the Ohio River.  We used to keep track of coal barges going up-and-down the river from the cozy 'river room' on the back of our house.

That day, as I drove up Thompson Avenue, I engaged the kids in conversation - as I always tried to do.  I started with Tracie and asked her what she thought she wanted to be when she grew up. 

I hold the opinion that an important role of fathers is to help their children believe that they can be anything they want to be! 

This was clearly a new thought to her (little wonder at age 6) and she had no idea.  I suggested that she would make a great lawyer when she grew up;  she didn't seem fond of that idea.   Hmmm...I still think she would make a great lawyer:  quick-thinking, intelligent and aggressive! 

Then I turned to Travis with the same question.  No hesitation on his part:  "I wanna be a vet."

Before I could even ask Troy - always the admirer of his brother - he spouted off:  "I want to be a convertible!" 

A Chinese Letter

Dear Debbie and Hal,

 

When I opened your reply of my E-mail with a little excitement this morning, I didn't expect this horrible fact that your beloved son, Travis, had passed away. It felt like an abrupt shock at first and exceedingly grieved for us to accept.

 

For Travis had been such a wonderful person, an outstanding nuclear engineer, a devoted and patriot soldier, and most importantly a loving son, we would like to express our condolences for your great loss. Knowing that he had served his country, dedicated to be a qualified soldier to protect his homeland, and contributed to this world with his best effort and kindness, we are all so sad to hear that he died at his prime so suddenly.

 

We know you are very proud of your son and his ultimate service to his country. When I read Hal's words about how you and Debbie have been weeping and broken-hearted, my heart broke too. Please know that the prayers of us and many others are all with you and your wonderful family. I hope that you and your family, especially Debbie, can find some solace in knowing that your loss is shared so deeply.  

 

After I told the guys about this tragic news, they expressed their condolences each and Cindy and Jason in the group sent theirs via email earlier. All of them are very sorry to hear it and we all stopped our things at hand at the moment and still haven't or couldn't accept and believe that Travis had left you, his beloved ones, and this world.

 

Alisa sent this:

 

Dear Hal & Debbie

Sorry to hear that! I feel very sad now. I believe that Travis will go to heaven. Wish you can go through this hard time. We are here to support you. Please take care of yourselves! 

Ailsa.

 

Travis was an angle that God sent to you with a beautiful mind and a pair of broken wings. The Bible says "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." I believe that God will shed his blessings on you at this time. These are times when our faith is tested the most, and yet it is faith that will see us through the sorrow and agony of this tragedy.

 

After the most devastated news, you guys' exceedingly grief worries us, about your senior age, mind and health condition.Please know that we are all here to support you guys. I pray that God gives you the grace to carry on. We Chinese have a saying we share with each other when we encounter this kind of tragic moments, "When the deceased had passed away, the people who are still living must stay strong." I believe Travis would've liked to know that you will get through the hard times and accompany each other to have a serene and peaceful later life together.

 

He will be sorely missed. Stay strong and God Bless.

 

 

In grief and sympathy

 

All members of The Monday Group

 

2015-10-12

Beaches...

It's 6:00 AM here in Kenohe, Hawaii, and I've been out walking for an hour already. Slowly, I'm being joined by others - mostly cyclists. The morning beach walkers will start arriving now  it's almost light enough to read a book.

I've enjoyed the alone time. 

What is it about a beach that opens your mind and heart for reflection?  A good campfire has the same effect. 

For me, times like this always lead me to prayers of thanksgiving and praise. 

You wouldn't be surprised that I was thanking God for Travis. From the day when we counted his toes and kissed his little nose, we've loved him. 

It's been a hoot to hear his work associates talk about (and mimic) the faces Travis made if you tried to make him think before 9:00AM.  One of his seal-friends had his look down pat, and had even nick-named him 'grumpy butt'.

Travis gave us amazing opportunities for travel and took us to such interesting places!  Debbie and I (like so many others) dreamed of taking our kids to Disney World;  but it never happened. Finances were always too tight. However, Travis did get to go with my sister, Beverly (and Dick and Heather and Aunt Peggy). 

Then came irony. Five years ago, Travis and Troy took me and Debbie to Disney World for one of the most enjoyable days of our lives!  :-)

I was also thanking God for Debbie - a virtuous wife!  Our journey hasn't been without bumps. But she's been very steady.  She has been so good at creating comfort zones for me!  For instance, our home;  it has always been my refuge. 

She's given me freedom to get away to think and pray. (Sometimes, she's even pushed me out the door saying, "You need to go for a hike!"  Ha ha ha...)

And she's bold in her faith. Over and over again - while in China - she turned the conversation into a testimony. As a result, she's personally responsible for several students giving their lives to Christ!

Just last week, she testified to her hope of Heaven to a room full of Travis' friends as they wheeled him past us to the operating room. And as she did so, these friends gathered around her in a semicircle to listen. 

Let there be no mistake about it - I married up!  

All this from an early morning walk on the beach.  

Let it be known to all that I am a grateful man!  My life has been littered with friends who have given me far more than I've given them. Just yesterday, two men went to our trailer and installed four new windows that will make us much warmer this winter. What did I do to deserve this sort of kindness?  Nothing!  It's all grace!

Thank You, Lord, for Your great grace - which is new every morning!  Where would I be if it wasn't for You?  How can I say thanks...?

The blog I never wanted to write

Did you know that Travis was a preemy?  Yep!  Five pounds at birth and seven weeks early.  He immediately lost weight and we had to leave him in the hospital for two weeks.  That was tough!

It was love at first sight.  He changed our lives forever. That was thirty-nine and a half years ago.

In between, he has provided us with some of the proudest moments of our lives!

Raising him was actually pretty easy.  He was always respectful!  He never broke the trust.

People like Travis!  He was fortunate to get his mother's personality!  He makes friends easily everywhere he goes.

And, he is generous - especially with those he loves.  In 2005, Tracie had saved $600 to buy her wedding dress.  But she fell in love with one that cost more than twice that.  She borrowed the excess from Travis;  he never let her pay him back.

He was Troy's best man in 2012.  He came home for a whole week and went to extremes to see that everything was perfect. He prepared their honeymoon suite with extravagant treats and adornments.

We were also recipients of his generosity. He often bought us expensive things that he knew we would never purchase on our own.

A couple of years ago, Travis and Josh decided to stop showering Rylie and Coltin (Tracie's children) with gifts. Instead, they opened a college fund for them (as well as a niece of Josh's) and began making monthly contributions toward their future education.

When Debbie and I were young, we saw siblings that seemed to hate one another. Before we were even married, we determined that we would strive to raise our children to genuinely love each other. And they have!  They've shared vacations and still have animated and humorous text-conversations on a regular basis.

In recent years, Travis made major life decisions that we did not agree with. However, our love for him remained constant and grew to include Josh. He also made career decisions that changed his future work focus. We supported him in these.

Then, of course, we went to China for three years. The last time we saw him was at Family Camp during July, 2014.   It was wonderful to have our whole family together for an entire week!  A rare treat for the Haire family.

On Monday, Josh called to tell us that Travis had experienced a cardiac arrest.  We immediately flew to his side - where we have stayed. Initially, we had a hope that he would be restored to us;  however, in time it was clear that we would not tbe hearing his voice again.

In the meantime, we have taken turns standing at his side.  We have talked to him, held his hands, rubbed his shoulders and loving stroked his face.  It's ironic that I recently wrote a blog about weeping.  This week we have each sobbed with sorrow!  Wednesday night, Debbie wailed throughout the night!  The next morning, I watched her caress his face with her fingers and her lips as she sang to him and expressed her love to him!

I look at this man who is so intelligent. I remember how he used to love to lay on top of me when he was young.  I think about his knowledge of nuclear reactors.  I think about the places he's been and the experiences he's had.  When he came home from one of his deployments on the Parche, I smilingly asked him where all he'd been?  He said, "Well, Dad, I could tell you - but then I'd have to kill you".  And then he laughed that goofy laugh of his!

An hour ago, Travis passed away.  He is now giving life to others through the donation of his kidneys.  In time, he will be buried according to his wishes at the United States Military Academy in Annapolis, Maryland.

Our grief is without description!  We are seized with pain. We are, however, a family of faith. Our trust is always in the Lord. If need be, we will stand with Job and say:  "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;  blessed be the name of the Lord."

We believe with all of our hearts in the pursuing love of God. We know that God pursues all people up until the last milli-second of life!  We have continually called on God's mercy and grace for ourselves and for Travis.

We stand with broken hearts that need mended and we look to the Lord for that healing.