THIS WAS NOT THE WILL OF GOD!

Words from William Barclay [1907-1978] resonate deeply within me this morning. As a pastor, I have frequently been in situations such as he describes - and always felt the same as he did!

He speaks of a 24-year-old daughter who died in a bizarre accident with no possible explanation. The chief investigator described it as so impossible that it could only be described as "an act of God".

Barclay sees this as a blasphemous phrase!

"What kind of God can people believe in when they attribute the accidental death of a girl of twenty-four years of age to an act of God? How can anyone who is left possibly pray to a God who would do a thing like that?"

[Barclay continues] "During my own parish ministry I was never able to go into a house where there had been an untimely and tragic death or sorrow and say, 'It is the will of God.' When a child or young person dies too soon, when there is a fatal accident, maybe due to someone's mistake or misjudgment, that is not "an act of God", neither is it the will of God. It is, in fact, the precise opposite of the will of God. It is against the will of God, and God is just as grieved about it as we are."

I have made this very same statement repeatedly over the years to parishioners in the face of terrible pain and loss!

[Barclay continues] "If a terrible and an incurable disease strikes someone, if a child is run down and killed by a motor car, driven as it may be by a reckless or drunken driver, if there is a disaster in the air or at sea or on the railway or on the roads, that is not the will of God. It is exactly and precisely what God did not will. It is due not to God's will, but to some human failure or to some human mistake."

He ends with the following:
"God gave men free will because there could neither be goodness nor love without free will and exactly for that reason the action of men can run right counter to the will of God."

_______________________________________

The image of God grieving with us is a POWERFUL one!

It reminds me of a few closing lines to James Weldon Johnson's poem, The Creation:

This great God,
Like a mammy bending over her baby,
Kneeled down in the dust
Toiling over a lump of clay
Till he shaped it in is his own image...

Jesus wept at the death of His friend, Lazarus!

Imagine! A god who weeps! A God who acknowledges in His Word to us that "There is a time to cry...and a time to be sad" [Ecclesiastes 3:4].

A God who included in His Book a section titled: Lamentations! [A lamentation is an expression of sorrow or mourning.]

A God who sent to His people a prophet who became known as the weeping prophet - Jeremiah!

A God who responsively reached out to an inconsolable Mary on the morning of His resurrection. Jesus immediately removed the barrier to her recognition so that He could comfort and encourage her!

I remember a story told by United Methodist Bishop, Earl Hunt, while I was a young student at Asbury Theological Seminary.

He told of being a young pastor appointed to follow a pastor who had been in place for many years.

Upon hearing of the death of a child in one of his families, young Pastor Hunt went immediately to the home. Upon arriving, he shared a scripture of hope with the family and prayed with them.

At that point, the former pastor arrived at the door. Upon entering, he opened his arms and the family fell into his embrace as he wept with them and prayed over them.

The young pastor Hunt was struck immediately - not with anger or jealousy - but with an increased sense of understanding about what it meant to be a pastor!

Part of the role of a pastor has traditionally been to walk with those who are hurting and, in doing so, give them an increased understanding that God is hurting and grieving with them! 

But the CEO role that has been thrust upon maturing pastors in recent decades doesn't encourage or model this level of caring. I had a conversation recently with a younger person who is active in their church. When I shared about Pastor Jerry Dodds [Bethel EPC] coming to visit Debbie while she was in the ER a while back, he simply commented that he couldn't even imagine his pastor doing something like that! 

It struck me: could this be one of the reasons that we are seeing such a decline in church attendance in America? Perhaps that's a topic for the next blog?

I’M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME?

The words usually flowed so easily!  He would sit down to write or compose, strum a few strings on the harp, and immediately the dam would break!  This was easy for David!  He’d been writing poems and songs since he was a young boy watching his father’s sheep.  The loneliness cultivated a quiet, humble attitude.  His voice and playing soothed the sheep.  His repertoire gradually grew to the point that he had songs for nearly every situation. 

Later in life, he was called to the court of King Saul to play comforting songs to ease his troubled mind.  It worked!  Saul was ministered to by David’s constant redirection to God and His faithfulness.  Saul came to love this young man because he was the only one who could calm Saul’s disturbed thinking.

Others came to know David’s songs.  Many of them became a regular part of the worship of the people!  It was an innovation added to the dry forms that had come to characterize worship in Jerusalem with its constant sacrifices and strict observations.  David’s songs were sung from the heart!  The people found themselves singing them in their homes, at their work and as they journeyed.

And now – to top it off – this beloved David had been their king for many years.  His succeeding of King Saul had been easy and natural.  He was beloved by the people!  His exploits and triumphs were legendary!  His reputation began with the killing of Goliath and continued with the radical expansion of his kingdom!  Many nations now paid tribute to David and the Kingdom of Judah,

But today, none of that mattered.  Today, his words didn’t flow.  Today it was as though there was an iron wall between David and Yahweh!  The strumming of the strings produced nothing.  He sat slumped in silence with his mind ruminating on deep, deep regrets. 

He sang several of his old songs, but none of them fit the need for today.  His grief and sorrow was real, but he had no means to express them. 

He was ashamed!  He had done dreadful things.  He had broken the commands of his God.  He had hurt people deeply.  He had betrayed his wives.  He was responsible for the taking of a life!  Oh, it had not been by his hand, but it had been done as a result of his instructions.  And to top it off, this man had been his friend and a respected leader in his army!  In fact, this man had been one of David’s ‘mighty men’; men who were deeply committed to David and his protection! 

It had all begun because David had not gone to battle with his army. This time – getting older – he had stayed home.  Instead of being where he should have been, he couldn’t sleep.  He went to the rooftop on a hot summer night.  He looked down and spotted a woman taking a bath.  He sent for her.  He seduced her.  She was the wife of Uriah, who was away fighting for Israel.  Shortly after, she sent David word that she was pregnant! 

And David’s world crumbled.  

In shame and desperation he set in motion a plan that would lead to Uriah’s death.  And David knew that things would never be the same. 

So here he sat, with nothing to say to the God he had so grossly disappointed and offended.

Till finally after sleepless nights and foodless days he lay in the dark completely defeated.  He woke up cold and wrapped his robe around him.  It was dark.  He hadn’t spoken to anyone for days. 

That’s when he finally found words that matched his desperation, despair and depression.

With tears quietly streaming down his face, he spoke to the One he had defied:

God,

Be merciful to me because You are loving.

Because You are always ready to be merciful, wipe out all my wrongs.

Wash away all my guilt and make me clean again.

 …weeping and sobbing…

 You are the one I have sinned against;

I have done what You say is wrong…

Take away my sin, and I will be clean.

Wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

Create in me a pure heart, God,

And make my spirit right again.

 

Do not send me away from You or take Your Holy Spirit away from me.

 

Give me back the joy of Your salvation!

_____________________________________________

Be reminded today that there is always a way back into God’s graces!  It involves humbling ourselves and expressing sorrow over our bad choices.  It requires honesty and submission added to a sincere sense of regret! 

But there is a way to be restored!  Don’t delay.  Carry your concerns to God today – right now! 

THE HARDEST PART OF GROWING OLD

I recently wrote about my years of leading the Oakland Free Methodist Church.  They were stressful years for many reasons.  The pursuit of my educational goals was one of those reasons.  After finally completing my Master of Divinity degree, I decided to go a big step further to acquire a master's degree in counseling.  I was accepted at the Franciscan University of Steubenville and began attending classes in the fall of 1990.

Our class was relatively small with perhaps twenty students - almost all of which were considerably younger than me. Attending a charismatic Catholic University was a stretch for me.  No one there had ever heard of the Free Methodist Church.  Making connections was a challenge. 

However, this one fellow and I clicked.  His name was Ed Andrade.  He was a handsome, charming, friendly guy who immediately accepted me and became my friend!  Ed was a 'people person' to the 'Nth' degree.  Everybody loved and admired him.  His primary gifts were in loving and accepting people and doing all that he could do to move them along on their journey.  

Ed immediately gave me a 'comfort zone' from which to operate. I went by Harold in those days; I loved the way Ed said my name, somehow he managed to stick a 'w' into it!  😉  My other classmates were also friendly and accepting of me. I became close to several of them as well, and they made my journey quite enjoyable.

A big part of our bond emerged from our common love for God and desire to be godly men!  I felt that - in Ed - I had found a truly godly brother!  I loved every minute that we had together.  I was in their apartment many times during those two years.  

Ed and I deepened our friendship by getting our spouses together also.  They came to our home in East Liverpool several times.  Our kids were young teens about that time.  Ed and Holly were expecting their first.  We socialized on a number of occasions and even attended Kolbe's christening.  

I remember a Sunday that Ed and Holly came to visit us in the afternoon.  When it came time for me to head to church for our evening service, we invited them to come along.  They did.  At the end of the service, I introduced Ed and invited him to give the closing prayer for our service.  In the Free Methodist Church, we are considerably less formal than you would find in a Catholic Church.  I think I shook Ed with my request, but he stood and offered a beautiful prayer from his heart - which was the only way he knew to pray!

For a while, we shared office space with one of our professors as each of us considered opening a counseling office.  Ed's skills were matched to his ability to make quick, deep connections with people!  

But, after our graduation our paths took us in different directions.  In 1995, Debbie and I moved our family to Maryland for several years.  Ed and Holly grew their family and eventually ended up living in Florida.  

One of the deep regrets of my life will always be that I didn't cling to this friendship!  Ed had become a true Christian brother and had helped me negotiate those challenging years.  

All of my classmates and several of my professors encouraged and helped me during that span of two years.  I was struggling with my call to ministry and seriously considering other avenues to pursue.  My depressive experiences were peaking during this time and Franciscan University became a nurturing and accepting environment for me.  I will be forever grateful for the small group interactions, the lunchtime dialogues, the encouragement received from several of our professors and the rich experience of sharing the mass with my new friends!  

Thank you to all of you for accepting me and befriending me!  My life's journey has been deeply enriched by your impact!

I received news this morning that my dear friend, Ed Andrade, has passed into the everlasting arms of Jesus!  My sadness is beyond describing!  My regret over not maintaining this friendship will travel with me!  Friendships like Ed and I enjoyed are rare.  I should have recognized that and worked harder at staying connected.  I would have been richer for it!  My tears flow freely and my sadness for Ed's family is overwhelming!  This was a good, good man!  

But the comfort we have as followers of Christ is the knowledge that we shall be together again - FOR ALL ETERNITY!  

May God be forever praised and may Holly and Ed's beautiful family be comforted by the Holy Spirit during these hard, hard days.  

GRIEF BURROWS DEEPLY - ONLY TO RESURFACE UNEXPECTED

Our son, Travis died in October, 2015 - that's over eight years ago.  

He had lived in many places due to his naval career, but several of our favorites were in the deep south:  Savannah, GA, King's Bay, GA, and Fernandina Beach, FL.  

We travelled through this region a couple of weeks ago on our way to visit Tracie and Jon and to celebrate Jon's retirement from the Navy.  

After a ten-day stay, we began our two-day journey back to Pennsylvania.  Naturally, our trip up Rte 95 took us through that corridor that included these three former places where Travis had lived.  As we passed each place, I mentioned it and reminisced about his homes and some of the fun places he'd taken us to visit or eat.  Deb remained noticeably silent most of our way home.  

Upon arriving home, I felt offended at the way she was dealing with me.  She was short and even critical of me, and I couldn't understand what I had done to upset her.  Several times, I asked her if I had offended her.  Each time, she told me that I had not.  But still, she seemed angry and quiet.

I'm not used to this, so I began to report to her that she was being mean to me.  She would apologize and tell me that she'd try to sweeten up.  But it didn't happen.  This went on for two or three days.

Finally, late one evening - after we had watched several episodes of our favorite show - I mentioned again that something was off.  She admitted that she was feeling angry but insisted that it had nothing to do with me.  We sat and read for an hour or so.  Then, at my usual bedtime, I announced to her and Gabe that I was going to bed.  

She sat on the edge of her chair and asked me to stay a bit longer.  

Then, she began to talk about her feelings.  She admitted that she was angry.  Then the words stopped.

Her shoulders began to shake - and I immediately knew what was wrong!

I got out of my chair as quickly as I could, knelt in front of her as she caved into my arms sobbing and weeping uncontrollably.  

What was this?

This was a mother's grief!  It's considerably different than a father's grief!  I've written about it before.  To my great surprise, my fourth-most-read-blog was titled "A MOTHER"S GRIEF" 

https://hal-lelujah.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-mothers-grief.html

Her downloading of grief seems to have helped.  She's doing better now.  We'll make it.

I write about this in hopes that reading about our grief might help you to deal with yours!  Most days are manageable.  The number of those days grows with the passing of time.  But the reality of our loss WILL revisit us!  And that's OK.  

THINGS THAT MIGHT HELP:

• Vocalize your sadness with a spouse, a friend, extended family, or a counselor.  Deb has several who have stayed sensitive to her throughout these years and I am deeply grateful for them.
• Journal your feelings.  There's something about the process of writing things down that allows the emotional pressure to slowly release!  Obviously, I do this via my Facebook page and my blogs!
• Get alone and pray!  Pour your heart out to God!  Weep!  Express your feelings - whatever they might be.  If we learn anything from the Psalms, it is that God can take our bluntness and our honesty!  He loves you so, and you will be comforted!
• If the weather is suitable - take a walk!  I do some of my best praying while I'm walking, hiking or backpacking.  I'm severely limited in my ability to walk now and I miss it terribly.  If you can't walk far, then find a bench near a pond, lake or ocean and soak in God's love!  

Final thought: If you'd like to talk with someone about your grief, I would be happy to get together with you.  I think Debbie would also be pleased to talk with you.  You can reach us both at halinasia@psmail.net

WEAVERS OF LIFE

There’s a verse in Psalm 22 that screams of God’s cooperative venture with women! 

“You are He who brought me forth from the womb; You made me trust when upon my mother’s breasts.  Upon You I was cast from birth; You have been my God from my mother’s womb.” [vs.9-10 NASB]

After Travis’ death, I wrote a blog article titled, “A Mother’s Grief” that runs parallel to what I’m sharing here.  If you’d like to read it:  Hal-lelujah!: A Mother's Grief

God cooperates with the woman who brings a child into this world!  God arranged for the process that creates children – it was God’s plan!  Regardless of what you hear from the WOKE movement, men don’t have wombs! 

Another David psalm [#139] records: “For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” [vs.13-16 NASB]

What an intimate venture between God, a woman, and her husband – but especially between God, the woman and her child(ren)! 

She ‘houses’ that forming infant during its most delicate moments, days, and  months!  She shelters it!  She is its protector – night and day, 24/7.  She becomes aware of its presence fairly early!  She develops a relationship with that child LONG before it is ever born!  It draws its sustenance directly from her body! 

Her influence in those earliest days – and then after birth – will NEVER be equaled by anyone else!

I hope you see from this how significantly God has honored women through this potential!  There is nothing that compares to it! 

_____________________________

However, when a child dies before its mother – which should never happen – no one will suffer more than the mother!  Whether death comes from war, suicide, accident, sickness, natural catastrophe or an act of violence – it will affect her more than anyone!  She will literally FEEL the loss!  Even if that child never gets to enter this world, the mother will FEEL the loss at a deep, deep level!  Inconsolable grief!  Pain!  The deepest sense of loss! 

And the greatest source of comfort for her – next to the arms of her husband – will be the arms of God!  He who shared the deepest intimacy of this process will also feel her pain and HE WILL RESPOND TO IT! 

If you’re feeling that pain today, turn to God – no one understands like He does!  He’s been with you in this venture since the moment of conception – AND HE CARES! 

HIS TOUCH

[Luke 8:40-42;  49-56]

Imagine that you’re a father with a twelve-year-old daughter who is dying and there’s nothing that can be done to save her.

Then, suddenly, someone mentions that Jesus – the Healer – is in a nearby town.  You run to intercept Him and tell Him about your daughter.  To your joy, He is willing to come and see her.  However, as you hurry along the road, Jesus is interrupted by another healing opportunity and precious time is lost.  You don’t want to be rude;  many people are hurting and need Jesus.  Yet, you tap your foot impatiently, hoping that He will soon be free to continue the trip to your home and your precious daughter.

But your heart sinks as you see some of your friends approaching quickly.  You can tell from the looks on their faces that they bear bad news.  If only Jesus hadn’t been interrupted.  You’re instantly filled with a sick feeling.  Sadness clogs your throat. 

In that instant, Jesus touches your arm and says – for only you to hear – “Don’t be upset.  Just trust me and everything will be all right.”  Something about His touch and His words affects you deeply.  It’s beyond understanding, but you do trust Him. 

It seems like only moments later that you and Jesus arrive at your home and are ushered into the room where the lifeless girl lies.  Family and friends are weeping – sobbing.  Sorrow fills the atmosphere!  And rightly so.  Jesus tells them all, “Don’t cry.  She didn’t die.  She’s sleeping.”  They laughed at Him.  They knew she was dead.

Jesus expels everyone except you, your wife and three of His disciples.  He takes her hand and speaks to her:  “My dear child, get up.”  She was up in an instant and breathing again!  Imagine your joy, your shock, your gratitude!  Your daughter was dead and now she’s alive!  Jesus tells you not to speak of what happened in this room, but you can’t comply – YOUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE AGAIN! 

________________________________

WHAT DO WE LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE FROM JESUS' LIFE AND MINISTRY?

Well, clearly, we learn to trust in Jesus!  He has all the time in the world and is never rushed!  Keep trusting Him regardless of the circumstances - and everything will be all right.

But, Hal, children die every day!  How is that all right?

This is an essential question!  Our prayers are not always answered in the way we desire.  This vignette had a happy ending;  sometimes that is not the case.  

Debbie and I know this very personally.  When our lives were disrupted in early October, 2015, we flew immediately to our son's bedside in Honolulu.  We kept vigil there for nearly a week:  praying over him, singing to him, stroking his face, holding his hand, speaking tender words of affection and hope to him.  Then, the doctors told us it was over.  

We had to stay for over a week waiting for the memorial service in the chapel to be completed.  There we were, in Paradise for a week with no desire to enjoy our surroundings and its many pleasures.  We were in pain!  Debbie wailed in frequent outbursts of anguish.  Our son was gone - just before turning forty.  This was not a happy ending.  

But God has given us a caveat for situations like this.  Don't scoff at this, these are some of the most significant words in the New Testament.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and live according to His purpose."

We clung to these words!  We believed them to be true.  Just as much as when Jesus touched the man's arm and said, "Don't be upset.  Just trust me and everything will be all right."  

And He has seen us through this painful loss!  We still grieve.  Occasionally, we're overcome with pain and sorrow at our tremendous loss.  Tears still flow.  Debbie doesn't wail anymore;  she gets quiet and withdrawn.  A few are sensitive to notice it and comfort her.  I always see it.  Holding her is the best I can do to comfort her.  

AND HE DOESN'T LOVE US ANY MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU!  His promise in Romans 8:28 is just as valid for you as it is for us!  Just trust Him - and He will see you through!  

DEPRESSION

I’m just emerging from a fairly extended time of suffering from depression.  

I’m writing about it in hopes that my musings might be helpful to someone else whose experiences parallel mine. 

For the record, I have not always dealt with this problem.  It began when I succumbed to a major episode of burn-out much earlier in my ministry.  I stepped out of my role for several months.  It’s a story of its own, but God played a major part in my recovery and re-entry to ministry.  Alma Kelly, a lay leader at the church I served also played a significant role in salvaging me for future ministry! 

My next interruptive experience was when I was about forty.  There is little doubt in my mind that it was a direct result of stress.  At the time, I was pastoring a church that had doubled in size.  In addition, I was attending seminary in Pittsburgh four days-a-week.  Then, of course, I was trying to fulfill my goal of being a great husband and dad.  During this period, we owned our own home for seven years;  it entailed a fairly large amount of time for maintenance and upkeep!  Poor money management combined with high educational expenses along with a chronically low salary created financial distress that became a frequent trigger for my depression.  These factors eventually brought me to a place of emotional and social shut-down.

I didn’t see it coming.  It scared me.  I was emotionally frozen.  I desperately wanted to withdraw.  I knew I needed help, but didn’t know where to turn. 

Describing the experience of depression would likely be different for each individual who deals with it.  For me, it commonly manifests with the following symptoms:

• Verbal shut-down
• Inability to think positive thoughts
• A sense of lostness – not knowing where to turn
• A general sense of anger
• Social withdrawal

I have functioned in this state for extended periods of time, but doing so takes exceptional energy and exhausts me.  I can only say that it is an awful experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone!  I eventually realized that my cycle was about three weeks in duration.  Gradually, I would emerge from the darkness.  Incrementally, I would regain my balance and begin to find joy in life again.

You can imagine the impact this had on Debbie and my family. 

I turned to counselors and other pastors during these times.  I believe these interventions were helpful.  As a counselor, I know the value of talking about our problems in a trusting environment.  Although I never really experienced a catharsis, I am certain that these caring interventions cleansed me somewhat and directed me as well. 

I am happy to say that in time, my condition improved and these episodes became less frequent.  I seemed to find a balance.  I learned to manage my stress levels better.  After eleven years of focus and commitment, we became debt-free!  This removed one of my enemy's most used triggers against me!  The woods became my cathedral.  I used my day off (Mondays) to get into nature to hike and talk with God!  A week or more of backpacking every year had a retreat-like effect.  Actually, the one miracle that I've experienced took place on an extended backpacking trip!  Incredible story!  

As I grew older, I came to a point when I thought that depression was a thing of the past.  I was wrong.  Depression is not a common companion anymore;  for that I am grateful.  However, it does visit me from time-to-time, and I seem unable to predict when those times may occur. 

I have not yet fully unpacked the causes of my latest episode.  I am just now beginning to be able to think clearly and objectively.  I know that Debbie prays for me!  That’s huge!  I suspect, at times, that she may mention my need to others among our family and friends.  Recently, I’ve noticed an unusual number of people asking me – very deliberately – “How are you doing, Hal?”  I highly value the prayers of those who love me – although I rarely seek the prayer support of those same people.  I can’t explain that…

So, throughout this learning experience, I have discovered value in:

• diet
• exercise
• journaling
• counseling
• reflection
• proper sleep routines

But the thing that is most helpful is connecting with God!  I am not always willing or able to do this right away.  I can’t explain this fully.  I can tell you this:  one of my last resources is a book.  I bought it years ago and found that it helped me during times of depression.  No surprise that it is a book of sermons:  SPIRITUAL DEPRESSION – Its Causes and Its Cure, by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. 

I’m not sure that I’ve ever read the whole book.  By the time I get several chapters into it, I find myself thinking more clearly – more biblically.  When I get my thinking straight – my emotions tend to follow!  ;-)

Two weeks ago, I mentioned to my pastor that I was experiencing a period of rather extreme depression.  He assured me that he would be praying for me.  He also mentioned the above book.  I told him what a life-saver it had been to me through the years.  Then, he suggested two other books and offered to buy them for me.  Last night he presented me with them.  I have already consumed one about the great preacher, Charles Haddon Spurgeon  [SPURGEON’S SORROWS – Realistic Hope for those who Suffer from Depression].  It has been an enormous help and blessing to me!  I will read the other today [CHRISTIANS GET DEPRESSED TOO, by David Murray]! 

If you struggle with depression, take hope in the fact that you are not alone.  The scriptures address this issue with abundance [for instance:  Psalm 42:5,11].  Read a good book!  Recruit prayer from your pastor, family and closest friends!  Talk to someone who will be patient with you and will listen and respond gracefully.  Make an appointment with a counselor. 

And, if you’d like to talk with me – I am available.  I have a counseling degree, but that’s not as valuable as the fact that I’ve been in a similar place as you!  [To call/text:  (724) 944-3881]  If nothing else, I would be happy to add you to my prayer list! 

May God break through and shine His light on you TODAY! 

PS - review the above words in bold print - they're EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT...

Grief is like an underground river that periodically works its way to the surface.  It's reawakening can be startling and can elicit a powerful surge of sorrow and loneliness.  

The other day, Debbie and I went to a very small grocery store here in Hope Town to pick up a few necessities.  While checking out, we entered into dialogue with the islander woman who helped us.  When Deb asked her name, she realized that we were speaking to a woman whose 18 year-old son had been washed out to sea during the 2019 hurricane!  Debbie stepped to her side and whispered gently:

"My sister told me about you.  You lost your son in the hurricane, right?"

[Head down]  "Yes, mam."  

"My husband and I have prayed for you.  We lost our son five years ago and understand a little bit about the pain you are going through.  God will give you strength!"

Two women - one black, one white - embraced and wept over the loss of their sons.  

And the river goes underground again...

I'm sitting at the counter working on my next book - a devotional.  I'm reviewing old Facebook posts and blog articles to gather material.  I read a delightful blog I wrote in June of 2012.  [It was titled, "I Talk To Birds" - if you want to check it out.]  Before I closed the page, I noticed that two comments had been left on the blog.  One was anonymous and the other was from Travis:  "Haha, nice! I enjoy their chatter too! Helps me wake up in the mornings."

The water bursts through the surface and from my eyes!  How I miss him!  How I long to lift my phone and hear, "Hey Pops!"  

And the river goes underground again...

When it will surface next, I do not know;  but I know it will...

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for giving us Travis for nearly forty years.

His joy was effervescent and his laugh made us smile.

He gave us SO MUCH to be proud of!

Bless the dear woman from the store,

and all others who know this pain of having lost children.

Wipe the tears from our eyes and give us hope!

For Jesus' sake, Amen

GRIEF CHANNELS DEEPLY

If you follow my blog regularly, then you know that I often process my feelings through my writing.  I'm doing that now - and it's very fresh.

It's 5:30 AM, and I just woke up a bit ago after having a vivid dream about our son, Travis.  In the dream he was so alive and interactive.  He was more mature than I might have expected.  He was as gracious as he always was in real life!  Some of my family - including my nephew, Lee - were travelling and Travis put us all up in an apartment were he was living.  Josh was there, too, of course.  His humor was intact - as expected.  We hugged and talked as though everything was perfectly normal.

And then, after what seemed like a long dream, I woke up.

The trauma of having lost him again hit me with an unexpected force as I lay trying not to shake the bed with my weeping.  It was useless!  Debbie reached out to me as I sobbed and wept for nearly half-an-hour.

Of course, she didn't know the reason for my tears.  She tried to comfort me.  I've been struggling with depression for the last several weeks, so she assumed it had to do with that.  When I explained my dream and the reason for my tears, she joined me as we wept over the loss of our son - four years ago!

This is not a normal experience for me.  I don't weep a lot - very rarely actually.  But this was overpowering.

I miss my son more than words can describe!  I miss the phone calls and the visits.  I miss his wit, his charm, his goofy laugh, his perspective, his counsel, his warmth and acceptance!

I wrestle with a deep pain that I somehow failed him.  It's a cosmic ache in my spirit.  I have regrets that I can't do anything about.  I wonder if he knew how much I loved him?  Did he understand just how proud I was of him?  He always knew he was special - did he realize that I always thought he was special, too?

These are the pains that are associated with grief and they run deeply!  Almost imperceptive, they course through our subconscious and rarely surface.  We smile and go our way and people think we're fine.  We even think we're fine.

And then, suddenly, we're awake at 5:00 AM weeping uncontrollably.

Debbie prayed over me as we lay in the dark together.  I'm feeling a bit stronger now - although tears still dot the deck of my laptop.

Please understand:  I'm not seeking your consolation.  I've deeply appreciated the support of friends and family through the years.  I'm a wealthy man when it comes to this area.  I'm processing publicly to clarify and educate.

On the outside, I'm a big, strong guy.  But on the inside, I'm a deeply broken man who depends on God's grace and who is just trying to find my way - the same as you...

OCTOBER THOUGHTS

In some respects, it's remarkable that I haven't written more about my Mom over the years!  She was certainly the dominant force in my formative years.  As I've written before, my father wasn't an affectionate man and we did very little together.  I did become closer to him when I became an adult, but we never shared a deep sense of bondedness.

But Mom (Hazel Haire) was my 'hand's on' parent!  Her impact was persistent and powerful!  Her constant love for the Lord led her to be deeply involved in our local church.  When I was a teen, she was a key leader in the Pittsburgh Conference Women's Missionary Society.  Her passion for missions was epic!  We frequently had missionaries stay in our home overnight or for a few days! 

In addition, she was deeply committed to prayer!  Her Bible is still filled with lists of people that she was regularly praying for.  She cultivated in me a passion for God and for the things He cared about.  She poured endless time and energy into preparation for mission events.  She planned and executed "This Is Your Life" programs for a number of missionaries and other church leaders. 

I still possess notebooks in which she tucked away magazine clippings, bulletin items, scriptures, sermon notes, and other items that she didn't want to lose track of.  I wonder if she had a dream of someday collating much of this information into a book-form?  She inculcated a similar practice in me that has resulted in a massive, alphabetized electronic file that has fueled my sermons and teaching for decades! 

She died a little over a year after having a heart-valve replaced.  The surgery had been successful, but the anti-rejection medications eventually took her life.  She died less than two months after Tracibeth was born.  The date was October 10, 1981.  I was 29.

Losing her had a massive impact on my life!  Essentially, Troy and Tracie have no memories that include her!  :-(   Travis had some memories of her deep love for him!  I understand that this is one of the results of being the youngest in my family;  however, knowing that my children missed out on her tremendous influence and love has been a chronic point of sorrow for me! 

For years after her death, I experienced a bout of depression when October rolled around.  Even though over thirty-five years have passed, I still can't get past an October 10th without missing her deeply! 

Then, two years ago, early October was marked even more deeply by Travis' death!  We got word of his cardiac arrest on October 5, 2015.  It was just past 3:30 PM and I was about to get in the car when Troy put his hand on my chest and said, "Dad, you're not going to Kittanning today."  That's when our world collapsed...

By 8:30 PM, remarkably, we were on an airplane headed for Honolulu.  The next day we arrived at the hospital to stand by his bedside and weep.  He died three days later on October 9.

The next weeks went by like a blur.  There was a memorial service at the Pearl Harbor Chapel attended by his work associates and friends.  There was the funeral at the Naval Academy in Annapolis.  Through it all - we were numb.

The first anniversary of these dates was difficult.  We (Debbie, me, Troy, Tracie and Josh) mourned together via text.  We upheld one another with words of affection and prayers of concern.  We were all deeply hurting.

This year has been different.  Debbie and I spent a quiet week at a condo in North Carolina.  She hardly went out at all.  I ventured out for some hiking.  We were quiet all week.  We both did a lot of reading and napping.  Troy and Missy attended a retreat in Arizona for the siblings of lost military members.  I guess we're all finding our way through this the best we can...

Since Travis passed, our 'highs' aren't near as high and our 'lows' are much lower!  Neither of us are as social as we used to be.  Even Debbie, who has carried me relationally for over forty-four years, now often suggests that we just 'take a pass' on interactive engagements. 

Many others have been down this road before us.  They report that the pain lessens with the passing of time.  I guess we can attest to that to some degree, however, the knowledge that our precious son is gone can assault us at the most unsuspecting moments. 

We live with questions that can't be answered or are too difficult to ask...  Times of real joy - that used to regularly punctuate our lives - are extremely rare now. 

Somewhere in my training as a counselor, I read that one must talk of your lost loved one for one-hundred hours to facilitate the healing process.  However, most people - understandably - are reluctant to bring up Travis' name for fear of causing us pain.  A corrective to this scenario is:  WE LOVE TALKING ABOUT OUR SON! 

I recently had a chance to talk with our nephew, Colin Bredl, who is also serving as an officer in the United States Navy.  I shared a number of 'Travis stories' with him.  I don't know what he thought of my candor.  It was therapeutic for me to talk with Colin.  Upon Travis' death, his Commander heard about Colin;  some phone calls were made and Colin was granted 'leave' to travel to Annapolis for the funeral.  It meant a lot to us to have him there! 

I weep.  I hold Debbie when she weeps.  We occasionally lay awake at night in sullen sorrow.  Sometimes we speak;  other times we just hold hands.  All of the time we lean on the One who loves us most:

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained

Too deeply for mirth or song,

As the burdens press, and the cares distress

And the way grows weary and long?

Refrain

Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,

His heart is touched with my grief;

When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,

I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark

With a nameless dread and fear?

As the daylight fades into deep night shades,

Does He care enough to be near?

Refrain

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed

To resist some temptation strong;

When for my deep grief there is no relief,

Though my tears flow all the night long?

Refrain

Does Jesus care when I’ve said goodbye

To the dearest on earth to me,

And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,

Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Refrain

I'm Humbled!

I began this blog in July, 2011.  It sat idle for three years while my wife and I were teaching English in China. I resumed writing upon our return in 2015.

The blog has reached a milestone this week of over 40,000 page views.  I'm overwhelmed that some people thought these musings worthy of reading.

For those of you who stop by regularly, I thought you might be interested in knowing what the most popular blogs were:

Posts

Entry	Pageviews
The blog I never wanted to write Oct 9, 2015, 20 comments	3696
There's Been A Change In Plans Oct 6, 2015, 7 comments	1402
A Mother's Grief Mar 27, 2017, 2 comments	556
Grief Exposed Oct 21, 2015, 3 comments	495
You're Not Going to Kittanning Today, Dad! Oct 5, 2016, 4 comments	444
He Was My Friend! Oct 23, 2015, 2 comments	431
Mr. Whippo Dec 26, 2015, 2 comments	426
CRISIS AT THE LORD'S TABLE!!!! Jul 21, 2016	386
Beaches... Oct 16, 2015, 6 comments	379
How Do You Get Through This? Oct 25, 2015, 1 comment	357

It's very interesting to me that nine of the ten posts have to do with grief.  The other post is probably there due to a repetition error that I haven't been able to correct.  

Another thing that has amazed me is the broad scope of readers (as evidenced below):

Pageviews by Countries

Entry	Pageviews
United States	37147
Russia	1255
France	312
Germany	128
Ukraine	91
United Kingdom	76
Portugal	75
Thailand	71
Singapore	63
China	59

Many other countries were also on the list at various times.  I suspect that this broad readership is largely due to the many international friends we made while living in the Hua Yuan Hotel in Changchun, China.  

By the way, I would LOVE to hear from some of you international visitors.  If you care to correspond, my email address is:  halinasia@psmail.net

TO ALL OF YOU:  

Thank you SO MUCH for checking out "Hal-lelujah!" from time-to-time.  I hope you are humored, relaxed, entertained and even educated by what you read!  

I'm in my last month before retirement and hope to try my hand at writing a book in the next year or so.  It's an overwhelming prospect to me, so I practice a lot on my blog!    :-)

Yours sincerely,

Hal Haire