YES, YOU CAN MARRY OUR DAUGHTER!

[Back in July, 2004, I received a phone call from a young man named Jon Kerstetter.  This is my response to that call.  I share it for the educational value that might be derived from reading it.  I feel VERY STRONGLY that fathers should be proactive in the lives of their children!  If you'd like to know how I feel about Jon today, read a blog entry I wrote about him on June 16, 2019, titled:  "Meet My Son-In-Law"]  And yes, he gave me permission to share this letter several months ago, but for whatever reason, I waited until today to do so.  :-)

This letter was written July 21, 2004

Dear Jon,

I’ve been wanting to write to you ever since you called and asked permission to marry Tracie.  In all of my preparation and planning for parenthood, I had not really ever given thought to the fact that someday a man would ask me if he could marry my daughter.  That’s a little embarrassing for me, since I pride myself on being prepared for most of life’s parenting situations.  I don’t know how this one eluded me?  J  So, I really wasn’t prepared for your call.  It felt awkward.  For one thing, I hate phones and prefer to speak face-to-face – which, of course, wasn’t an option for us that day (since Jon was in the Navy).  But let me cut to the chase – now that I’ve had some time to think and reflect.

You need to know, I’ve never been real keen on the practice of giving our daughters away in marriage.  Why do we give our daughters away, but not our sons?  The whole thing has confused me all along.  I appreciate the tradition of the thing, but am offended by the reality of it.  Tracie is a grown woman.  She is also Debbie’s and my daughter.  We have raised her toward independence, knowing that someday she would take off and find her own way in life.  We welcomed that day when she drove away from our home in Akron to live in Maryland.  She had met our requirements:  to wait until she was eighteen and had graduated from high school.  Although we were proud and pleased to have her leave – it also ripped my heart out to watch her drive away.  Something inside me hurt terribly that day.  Debbie, Troy, and I wept repeatedly over the next several days – and then, life went on. 

We have raised our kids in the best way that we knew.  We are glad and proud to have given them a godly heritage that extends back several generations that we know of.  We gave them lots of freedom and specific boundaries.  We trusted them until they broke the trust – and then we worked with them to rebuild the trust.  

Our parenting role is in its final season.  We are beginning to look at our kids as full, equal adults now.  We can learn from them as much as they can learn from us.  We appreciate that they respect us and still turn to us for counsel and support.  That’s a blessing to us.  We have confidence in our three young adults.  We’ve invested deeply into their lives in ways that you will probably discover as you have opportunity to get to know us.  We love them more than words can express.  We will trust their decisions and pray that God gives them wisdom and discernment.  Of course, we want the best for them. 

So, in regards to you marrying Tracie:  I trust her wisdom and sensitivity.  She would only choose a man who was a good man.  She knows what she wants and you obviously embody that.  Debbie and I will be pleased to welcome you as an extension of our family.  We are anxious to get to know you better and allow our love for you to grow.  We pray for you daily – every time we pray for the three T’s.  I specifically pray for God to help you to be the perfect husband for my daughter and the perfect father for some of my grandchildren.  I hope you will allow Him to shape and influence your life.

I ask you several things:

1. Please love and respect Tracie – till death do you part!
2. Prioritize her always – cherish her!
3. Love, nurture, protect, and teach any children that God gives your home.
4. Be a man of your word – have integrity.
5. Be passionate about living.  God has designed you for a purpose;  pursue that purpose!

We look forward to the wedding and are already assisting with the plans.  We want it to be a day of joyous celebration!  Blessings, Jon.

LIFE IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER!

[This letter was written October 19, 2007.  Since then, Coltin Eugene Kerstetter has happily become part of the family.  He is now 10.]

I offer the following letter as instruction for those beginning families, as encouragement for those in the midst of 'family life' and as comfort for those who have gotten off the ride and are reflecting.  For everyone else - just enjoy it!  🤣

_______________________________

Dear Jon and Tracie,

It occurred to me early this morning that life is like a ride on a roller coaster!  J

The day you guys met, your dating life, your engagement period, and these early years of marriage can be likened to:

• selecting the right roller coaster,
• waiting in line,
• choosing your seat,
• getting strapped in,
• coasting down the ramp and around the first bend,
• and then climbing that first, long hill.

Have you ever been in the front seat of a coaster?  You actually crest the top of the hill and hang on the down-side for a few moments before the final car lets go!  That’s where you guys are right now – with the birth of your first child being just three short weeks away. 

On that day, your car will let loose and the real ride begins! 

There will be thrills!  Probably an equal number of highs and lows!  Fortunately, God has wired us to remember the highs and forget the lows! 

Imagine the pride you’ll each feel the first time you hold this little girl in your arms!  She will be a unique blend of the two of you.  Interestingly, she’ll include good points from each of you (and bad points from each of you).  You’ll have so much fun determining the similarities. 

One of the things your mom and I have noticed is that God has an unusual sense of humor.  He tends to mix the genes in such a way that our children quite frequently come out looking nearly identical to one of our siblings.  [For his first ten years, Troy could have passed for Uncle Tommy’s son;  some even say so now.]

This little girl will be TOTALLY dependent on you two for her life!  Your work load will double!  You’ll continue doing everything you do now, but somehow, you’ll find the time to do everything for her as well!  You’ll comfort her, feed her, change her, play with her, talk to her, and watch her sleep.  You’ll marvel over the perfection of her features – right down to the toes! 

And she’ll grow.  Faster than you think!  Have you noticed how long it seems to take to get to the top of that first hill?  Then, wow!  Before you even know it, you’re pulling into the station again!  


From someone who got on the ride ahead of you: "Enjoy the trip!"  Savor every moment and deliberately tuck them away in your mental files!  Mark the moments!  Treasure the time with your tots!  Take pictures, of course;  but take them with your mental camera – that way you’ll have them with you no matter where or when!

• You’ll be delighted when she can hold her own bottle. 
• You’ll giggle with delight when her babblings produce a tone that sounds remarkably like “Mama” or “Dada”!
• You’ll be happy when she takes her first step!
• You’ll be excited when she can hold a spoon and feed herself (especially if number two has already arrived). 
• You’ll be pleased when she can dress herself.
• You’ll be relieved when she can get herself ready for bed.
• You’ll be proud when she celebrates her first day of school.
• You’ll see her school and church programs with one eye – through the lens of your video camera!
• You’ll be proud of her achievements and accomplishments.
• You’ll delight in her slumber parties and other fun times.
• You’ll tremble when she gets her first boyfriend.
• You’ll sit in an auditorium someday and wonder when she turned into such a beautiful young lady!

It’s right after that that she’ll ask for the car keys!

The stages of her growth and development will be fascinating!  More than likely, someday she’ll be a big sister!  As a first-born, she’ll likely be a good reader.  She’ll be highly motivated and fairly responsible.  She’ll likely be an achiever.  She’ll be rather independent and will probably value being alone. 

Her personality will be fully formed by the age of seven!  That makes those years VERY IMPORTANT!  Your influence will almost totally form that personality.  Calls for some introspection, huh? 

Her understanding of God will be largely formed by her relationship with her daddy!  Her spiritual sensitivities will be similar to yours. 

Inevitably, there will be pain.  Every roller coaster ride has its dips!  There’ll be:
     Ö        colds and flues
     Ö        broken bones (just ask Tracie)
     Ö        disappointments
     Ö        lost games
     Ö        failures
     Ö        bad grades
     Ö        betrayals by friends
     Ö        rude boys
     Ö        bad attitudes
     Ö        rebellions
     Ö        abandonment
     Ö        loneliness

You’ll be there through all of these!  You’ll comfort, encourage, pray with, hug, caress, support, serve, instruct, counsel, distract, and just generally BE THERE!  If you haven’t figured that out yet, that’s the main job of a parent.  We’re to BE THERE!  Always!  The chronic, cosmic problem of the children of divorce is that pervasive nagging need for parents who simply aren’t always there!!!  Maybe one or the other is always there, but kids need both parents to be there!  Always! 

She’ll love you!  It’ll be one of the most satisfying things you’ll ever experience!  The love and trust of a child is one of life’s highest highs!  My proudest moments in life were simply walking down the street with Troy on one hand and Tracibeth on the other!  J  My favorite pictures of myself are the ones that include my kids: 

§  laying double-decker on my back

 §  playing with me on the trampoline
 §  swimming with me
 §  wrestling
 §  selfies

Her hugs will make your day!  Her kisses will heal your weariness!  Her antics will make life worth living! 

You’ll be willing – in an instant – to lay down your life for her!  She will quickly become your greatest earthly treasure.

Part of the challenge will be the time and attention that she’ll require (along with any siblings that may follow).  Jon, you’ll lose some of Tracie due to this change.  She’ll be very focused on this new little girl.  Some of the attention that you’ve been used to will be re-directed.  If you’re at all like me, you’ll feel that.  But, somehow, we adjust to this and make up for it in new ways.  But mark this:  EVERYTHING’S ABOUT TO CHANGE!

Remarkably, Debbie and I are at the other end of the spectrum.  We’ve been de-nested now for several years.  It’s been a joyful time.  We are now able to pick up where we left off back in 1976 (when Travis was born).  Our focus is on one another again!  We’re getting reacquainted!  It’s fun!  Our little girl is now a big girl who’s getting ready to have a little girl of her own!  Oh my!  But don’t think about this too much – it’s a good 20-30 years away for you.  J 

You stay focused on enjoying the ride!  You’re in for the time of your life!  Chuck Swindoll tells a wonderful story of going for a ride in a speed-boat with former Oakland Raiders quarterback, Kenny Stabler.  When Chuck settled into his seat he looked up and saw a sign in front of him:  “GET IN, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, HANG ON!”  Not bad advice for the ride you guys are on!

One last thought:  If you haven’t learned to pray yet – now’s a good time to start! 

I love you guys!

Dad

MEET MY SON-IN-LAW

Our daughter, Tracie, left home at the age of nineteen while we were living in Akron, Ohio.  It was a sad/happy day as she drove down Kickapoo Avenue in her blue Buick.  She had been a wonderful daughter and had blessed us over and over with her responsibility and fun-loving-ways!  

She was sixteen when we left Maryland in the fall of 1997, and moved back to Pennsylvania.  But, she didn't fight us regarding the decisions we were making.  I've always appreciated that in her.

But, at nineteen, she was ready to spread her wings!  She moved in with her best friend, Allison, and became Tom's third daughter for a few years.  Again, we've always been grateful to Tom Harding for opening his doors to her and giving her a safe launching pad!  

It was during this season of her life that she met Jon at the Montgomery County Fair.  Apparently, they connected pretty quickly and we started hearing more and more about this young man who had been raised on a beef farm in central Pennsylvania.  

It didn't seem like long before he was headed off to Great Lakes (shortly after 9/11) for his experiences at 'boot camp' with the United States Navy.  

Our first time to meet Jon was at a restaurant - without Tracie.  We were anxious about this odd arrangement;  he must have been anxious times ten!  

I confess that I was pretty hard on Jon.  I wrote him a series of about three letters to be very clear with him about how I expected him to treat my daughter.  One of those letters was just before he graduated from Great Lakes.  

At one point, Tracie told me that Jon was afraid of me.  I told her that was ok;  there would be a time when we would be friends - but it wasn't now.  :-)   He also told her - once they were engaged - that he'd never be able to sleep with her if I was in the house!  

They married on January 15, 2005.  Tracie had come home to live with us (in New Middletown) for over a year before the wedding.  She and her Mom had a great time planning the wedding and preparing for the big day!  

They immediately flew to Honolulu, Hawaii, not for their honeymoon, but to live!  He was assigned to a submarine and they resided there for a year and a half.  From there, he was assigned to Groton, Connecticut, where they have lived since.  

Rylie Grace came along in 2007, and Coltin Eugene entered the world in 2009.  

Jon's career performance has been exceptional.  He made 'Chief'' at a young age.  Last year, we drove all night to be able to see him pinned as Master Chief!  Now, he's the Chief of the Boat (COB) on a soon-to-be-christened submarine.  

When we first started visiting Jon and Tracie, I was a little concerned because Jon didn't seem to be taking the spiritual lead in his family.  We noticed that prayer didn't seem to have much of a place in their home.  So, I went home and began praying for him!  Every day, I called him out before the Lord, to become a godly man with a great passion for God.  

I'll never forget the first time that Jon prayed over a meal about a year later!  It was awesome.  He discovered a church that had been planted by a former Navy man.  They are still very active in REV Church and Jon is still close with Pastor Matt.  

Jon's spiritual transformation has been a delight to me.  It pours over into everything that he does.  But most of all, he is a great husband and dad!  He is affectionate with Tracie and the children.  He plays with them on the floor, works with them on their sports, reads with them, and gives them lots of hugs and kisses!

      

It seems to me that he excels in every area.  I am so proud of him!  And by-the-way, we have a great relationship now.  He pulls me more deeply into sports.  We talk about church.  We share resources.  I thoroughly enjoy being around him.  Besides, he grills and smokes meat better than anyone I know! Just two years ago, he fire-grilled a ton of chicken for my retirement party!  

I never worry about Rylie and Coltin!  I know that Jon is on the job.  He is an excellent provider, a fierce protector, and is generous with his time, his attention and his affection!  

On this Father's Day, I thank God, my Heavenly Father, for providing such a good man for Tracie, Rylie and Coltin!  You're the best, Jon!    

ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS WHEN IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Tracie and Jon moved to Groton, Connecticut about twelve years ago.  Eventually, they bought a home in Norwich. Then, along came Rylie in 2007, and Colton in 2009.  😀

Over those years, they have worshipped in a number of different churches. While in Groton, they attended a non-denominational church that was growing - particularly among younger families.

After moving they attended a more rural church with a very young pastor and a small congregation. They really liked this church, but struggled with some of the core, theological tenets.

Then, for a couple of years, they attended a small, United Methodist Church very close to their home.  The children were adopted by the whole (older) congregation!  😊

But, again, something was missing.

About that time, Tracie saw signs at Wal-Mart about a new church in the area. Meanwhile, Jon also heard about the church from a friend in the Navy who was serving as a part time associate pastor there. He told Jon that the lead pastor was also former Navy. That settled it - they began attending (that was four years ago).

Jon immediately struck up a friendship with founding pastor, Matt Grohocki.  Jon joined (and eventually led) the very essential parking team.  In time, he was trained to lead groups and did so from their home.  Soon, Tracie was also trained and joined him in leading a group for couples in their home.

As part of his training, Jon had already become a partner (and leader) in the ministry. When time allowed, Tracie also spoke with Pastor Matt indicating her readiness to become a partner in the church. Happily, he invited her to a special time when he trained people with such an interest.

That evening, he opened by saying:  "You may think that Revelation Church is an independent church, but that's not the case. Although we never publish it or speak of it, we are associated with a denomination.  Technically, we are a Free Methodist church."

And with that, Tracie's jaw dropped. He noticed her reaction and questioned her.  She said, "I was raised in the Free Methodist Church all my life!  My Dad is a Free Methodist pastor!"

Jon, Tracie and even Rylie now serve at REV Church on a regular basis. The church moved from a rented facility to a newer building at a former scout camp that they have purchased.  They currently worship in four services;  two on Saturday evening and two on Sunday morning.

Plans are underway to build an even newer worship facility on the grounds in the near future!

Debbie and I attended today on the sixth anniversary of their founding. In celebration, they opened a new campus this morning that is a five-hour-drive-away, in Saratoga Springs, New York.  They incorporated a former Free Methodist campground into a renewed facility for this launch!

Pastor Matt gave a message today that launched a new series:  “MONUMENTAL:  Who are We Really?”  A very relevant topic!  Worth listening to at:  http://myrevelationchurch.com