I’M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME?

The words usually flowed so easily!  He would sit down to write or compose, strum a few strings on the harp, and immediately the dam would break!  This was easy for David!  He’d been writing poems and songs since he was a young boy watching his father’s sheep.  The loneliness cultivated a quiet, humble attitude.  His voice and playing soothed the sheep.  His repertoire gradually grew to the point that he had songs for nearly every situation. 

Later in life, he was called to the court of King Saul to play comforting songs to ease his troubled mind.  It worked!  Saul was ministered to by David’s constant redirection to God and His faithfulness.  Saul came to love this young man because he was the only one who could calm Saul’s disturbed thinking.

Others came to know David’s songs.  Many of them became a regular part of the worship of the people!  It was an innovation added to the dry forms that had come to characterize worship in Jerusalem with its constant sacrifices and strict observations.  David’s songs were sung from the heart!  The people found themselves singing them in their homes, at their work and as they journeyed.

And now – to top it off – this beloved David had been their king for many years.  His succeeding of King Saul had been easy and natural.  He was beloved by the people!  His exploits and triumphs were legendary!  His reputation began with the killing of Goliath and continued with the radical expansion of his kingdom!  Many nations now paid tribute to David and the Kingdom of Judah,

But today, none of that mattered.  Today, his words didn’t flow.  Today it was as though there was an iron wall between David and Yahweh!  The strumming of the strings produced nothing.  He sat slumped in silence with his mind ruminating on deep, deep regrets. 

He sang several of his old songs, but none of them fit the need for today.  His grief and sorrow was real, but he had no means to express them. 

He was ashamed!  He had done dreadful things.  He had broken the commands of his God.  He had hurt people deeply.  He had betrayed his wives.  He was responsible for the taking of a life!  Oh, it had not been by his hand, but it had been done as a result of his instructions.  And to top it off, this man had been his friend and a respected leader in his army!  In fact, this man had been one of David’s ‘mighty men’; men who were deeply committed to David and his protection! 

It had all begun because David had not gone to battle with his army. This time – getting older – he had stayed home.  Instead of being where he should have been, he couldn’t sleep.  He went to the rooftop on a hot summer night.  He looked down and spotted a woman taking a bath.  He sent for her.  He seduced her.  She was the wife of Uriah, who was away fighting for Israel.  Shortly after, she sent David word that she was pregnant! 

And David’s world crumbled.  

In shame and desperation he set in motion a plan that would lead to Uriah’s death.  And David knew that things would never be the same. 

So here he sat, with nothing to say to the God he had so grossly disappointed and offended.

Till finally after sleepless nights and foodless days he lay in the dark completely defeated.  He woke up cold and wrapped his robe around him.  It was dark.  He hadn’t spoken to anyone for days. 

That’s when he finally found words that matched his desperation, despair and depression.

With tears quietly streaming down his face, he spoke to the One he had defied:

God,

Be merciful to me because You are loving.

Because You are always ready to be merciful, wipe out all my wrongs.

Wash away all my guilt and make me clean again.

 …weeping and sobbing…

 You are the one I have sinned against;

I have done what You say is wrong…

Take away my sin, and I will be clean.

Wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

Create in me a pure heart, God,

And make my spirit right again.

 

Do not send me away from You or take Your Holy Spirit away from me.

 

Give me back the joy of Your salvation!

_____________________________________________

Be reminded today that there is always a way back into God’s graces!  It involves humbling ourselves and expressing sorrow over our bad choices.  It requires honesty and submission added to a sincere sense of regret! 

But there is a way to be restored!  Don’t delay.  Carry your concerns to God today – right now! 

THE HARDEST PART OF GROWING OLD

I recently wrote about my years of leading the Oakland Free Methodist Church.  They were stressful years for many reasons.  The pursuit of my educational goals was one of those reasons.  After finally completing my Master of Divinity degree, I decided to go a big step further to acquire a master's degree in counseling.  I was accepted at the Franciscan University of Steubenville and began attending classes in the fall of 1990.

Our class was relatively small with perhaps twenty students - almost all of which were considerably younger than me. Attending a charismatic Catholic University was a stretch for me.  No one there had ever heard of the Free Methodist Church.  Making connections was a challenge. 

However, this one fellow and I clicked.  His name was Ed Andrade.  He was a handsome, charming, friendly guy who immediately accepted me and became my friend!  Ed was a 'people person' to the 'Nth' degree.  Everybody loved and admired him.  His primary gifts were in loving and accepting people and doing all that he could do to move them along on their journey.  

Ed immediately gave me a 'comfort zone' from which to operate. I went by Harold in those days; I loved the way Ed said my name, somehow he managed to stick a 'w' into it!  😉  My other classmates were also friendly and accepting of me. I became close to several of them as well, and they made my journey quite enjoyable.

A big part of our bond emerged from our common love for God and desire to be godly men!  I felt that - in Ed - I had found a truly godly brother!  I loved every minute that we had together.  I was in their apartment many times during those two years.  

Ed and I deepened our friendship by getting our spouses together also.  They came to our home in East Liverpool several times.  Our kids were young teens about that time.  Ed and Holly were expecting their first.  We socialized on a number of occasions and even attended Kolbe's christening.  

I remember a Sunday that Ed and Holly came to visit us in the afternoon.  When it came time for me to head to church for our evening service, we invited them to come along.  They did.  At the end of the service, I introduced Ed and invited him to give the closing prayer for our service.  In the Free Methodist Church, we are considerably less formal than you would find in a Catholic Church.  I think I shook Ed with my request, but he stood and offered a beautiful prayer from his heart - which was the only way he knew to pray!

For a while, we shared office space with one of our professors as each of us considered opening a counseling office.  Ed's skills were matched to his ability to make quick, deep connections with people!  

But, after our graduation our paths took us in different directions.  In 1995, Debbie and I moved our family to Maryland for several years.  Ed and Holly grew their family and eventually ended up living in Florida.  

One of the deep regrets of my life will always be that I didn't cling to this friendship!  Ed had become a true Christian brother and had helped me negotiate those challenging years.  

All of my classmates and several of my professors encouraged and helped me during that span of two years.  I was struggling with my call to ministry and seriously considering other avenues to pursue.  My depressive experiences were peaking during this time and Franciscan University became a nurturing and accepting environment for me.  I will be forever grateful for the small group interactions, the lunchtime dialogues, the encouragement received from several of our professors and the rich experience of sharing the mass with my new friends!  

Thank you to all of you for accepting me and befriending me!  My life's journey has been deeply enriched by your impact!

I received news this morning that my dear friend, Ed Andrade, has passed into the everlasting arms of Jesus!  My sadness is beyond describing!  My regret over not maintaining this friendship will travel with me!  Friendships like Ed and I enjoyed are rare.  I should have recognized that and worked harder at staying connected.  I would have been richer for it!  My tears flow freely and my sadness for Ed's family is overwhelming!  This was a good, good man!  

But the comfort we have as followers of Christ is the knowledge that we shall be together again - FOR ALL ETERNITY!  

May God be forever praised and may Holly and Ed's beautiful family be comforted by the Holy Spirit during these hard, hard days.  

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT...

Grief is like an underground river that periodically works its way to the surface.  It's reawakening can be startling and can elicit a powerful surge of sorrow and loneliness.  

The other day, Debbie and I went to a very small grocery store here in Hope Town to pick up a few necessities.  While checking out, we entered into dialogue with the islander woman who helped us.  When Deb asked her name, she realized that we were speaking to a woman whose 18 year-old son had been washed out to sea during the 2019 hurricane!  Debbie stepped to her side and whispered gently:

"My sister told me about you.  You lost your son in the hurricane, right?"

[Head down]  "Yes, mam."  

"My husband and I have prayed for you.  We lost our son five years ago and understand a little bit about the pain you are going through.  God will give you strength!"

Two women - one black, one white - embraced and wept over the loss of their sons.  

And the river goes underground again...

I'm sitting at the counter working on my next book - a devotional.  I'm reviewing old Facebook posts and blog articles to gather material.  I read a delightful blog I wrote in June of 2012.  [It was titled, "I Talk To Birds" - if you want to check it out.]  Before I closed the page, I noticed that two comments had been left on the blog.  One was anonymous and the other was from Travis:  "Haha, nice! I enjoy their chatter too! Helps me wake up in the mornings."

The water bursts through the surface and from my eyes!  How I miss him!  How I long to lift my phone and hear, "Hey Pops!"  

And the river goes underground again...

When it will surface next, I do not know;  but I know it will...

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for giving us Travis for nearly forty years.

His joy was effervescent and his laugh made us smile.

He gave us SO MUCH to be proud of!

Bless the dear woman from the store,

and all others who know this pain of having lost children.

Wipe the tears from our eyes and give us hope!

For Jesus' sake, Amen

Broken Smile

I have friends who lost both of their birth-children;  they also have three adopted children.  Their daughter died when she was young;  their son died as a teenager.

My friends, Charlie and Brenda Young, bought a couple of books for me written by a man who lost his mother, wife and daughter in a terrible car accident.

Like so many of you have said to us, I can't even imagine the pain these people must experience.

The hard thing about death is that the person is gone.  Sounds silly - doesn't it? We can't access them anymore.  No more phone calls.  No visits.  No more "Hi Maw!" or "Hi Pops!" .  No more visits to their house.  No more shared holidays.

The other hard thing is its permanence.  They're gone - and they're not coming back.  The situation is not going to change. You have a new normal that you didn't ask for and don't want.

I'm also noticing the uniqueness of each person's grief process.  Debbie and I are experiencing the loss of Travis in very different ways.  We decided Sunday that we each need someone else to talk with about our feelings. My thoughts are often painful for Debbie to hear.  We're processing our loss in very different ways.

I feel a sadness that began before Travis' death.  My mourning over leaving China is mingled with my grieving over losing Travis.  I can't sort it out.  My daily motivation is significantly damaged.  I have a hard time facing my daily obligations.

Debbie feels "broken".  It shows.  We took a selfie at Ohiopyle on our way home from Annapolis.  Her smile is not normal - it's...broken!  You can see the sadness in her eyes.  My heart aches for her;  I want to fix her so badly - but I can't!

All through the years I have stood with grieving families.  I lost my Mom when I was 29 and my Dad when I was 40.  I grieved their deaths deeply, but it's nothing like what I feel now.

When Debbie pre-reads these articles [which isn't very often], she always asks me what my purpose is.  I'm deliberating that now...

I think it's to remind all of us to be patient with someone who is in this grieving process.  Don't think you understand and don't tell them that you understand.  Just be a friend and give them time and space; support them and pray for them - a lot!

Tonight, Deb told me that she didn't want to be with anyone.  She said she just wanted to go to bed and sleep.  I called a family member - since I'm in Kittanning - and asked her to go over and sit with Deb. She was out-the-door almost before hanging up.

Monday morning Deb was all ready to go to school.  I couldn't figure out why she was just standing at the door.  I walked up to her to say good-bye;  she was sobbing quietly.  When I took her into my arms it turned to deep wails and streams of tears!  I called her off and we went to walk at Pymatuning State Park where our family had camped many times over the years.  In the desolation of that campground we cried out our pain to a God who loves us and who understands what it is to lose a son.