YES, YOU CAN MARRY OUR DAUGHTER!

[Back in July, 2004, I received a phone call from a young man named Jon Kerstetter.  This is my response to that call.  I share it for the educational value that might be derived from reading it.  I feel VERY STRONGLY that fathers should be proactive in the lives of their children!  If you'd like to know how I feel about Jon today, read a blog entry I wrote about him on June 16, 2019, titled:  "Meet My Son-In-Law"]  And yes, he gave me permission to share this letter several months ago, but for whatever reason, I waited until today to do so.  :-)

This letter was written July 21, 2004

Dear Jon,

I’ve been wanting to write to you ever since you called and asked permission to marry Tracie.  In all of my preparation and planning for parenthood, I had not really ever given thought to the fact that someday a man would ask me if he could marry my daughter.  That’s a little embarrassing for me, since I pride myself on being prepared for most of life’s parenting situations.  I don’t know how this one eluded me?  J  So, I really wasn’t prepared for your call.  It felt awkward.  For one thing, I hate phones and prefer to speak face-to-face – which, of course, wasn’t an option for us that day (since Jon was in the Navy).  But let me cut to the chase – now that I’ve had some time to think and reflect.

You need to know, I’ve never been real keen on the practice of giving our daughters away in marriage.  Why do we give our daughters away, but not our sons?  The whole thing has confused me all along.  I appreciate the tradition of the thing, but am offended by the reality of it.  Tracie is a grown woman.  She is also Debbie’s and my daughter.  We have raised her toward independence, knowing that someday she would take off and find her own way in life.  We welcomed that day when she drove away from our home in Akron to live in Maryland.  She had met our requirements:  to wait until she was eighteen and had graduated from high school.  Although we were proud and pleased to have her leave – it also ripped my heart out to watch her drive away.  Something inside me hurt terribly that day.  Debbie, Troy, and I wept repeatedly over the next several days – and then, life went on. 

We have raised our kids in the best way that we knew.  We are glad and proud to have given them a godly heritage that extends back several generations that we know of.  We gave them lots of freedom and specific boundaries.  We trusted them until they broke the trust – and then we worked with them to rebuild the trust.  

Our parenting role is in its final season.  We are beginning to look at our kids as full, equal adults now.  We can learn from them as much as they can learn from us.  We appreciate that they respect us and still turn to us for counsel and support.  That’s a blessing to us.  We have confidence in our three young adults.  We’ve invested deeply into their lives in ways that you will probably discover as you have opportunity to get to know us.  We love them more than words can express.  We will trust their decisions and pray that God gives them wisdom and discernment.  Of course, we want the best for them. 

So, in regards to you marrying Tracie:  I trust her wisdom and sensitivity.  She would only choose a man who was a good man.  She knows what she wants and you obviously embody that.  Debbie and I will be pleased to welcome you as an extension of our family.  We are anxious to get to know you better and allow our love for you to grow.  We pray for you daily – every time we pray for the three T’s.  I specifically pray for God to help you to be the perfect husband for my daughter and the perfect father for some of my grandchildren.  I hope you will allow Him to shape and influence your life.

I ask you several things:

1. Please love and respect Tracie – till death do you part!
2. Prioritize her always – cherish her!
3. Love, nurture, protect, and teach any children that God gives your home.
4. Be a man of your word – have integrity.
5. Be passionate about living.  God has designed you for a purpose;  pursue that purpose!

We look forward to the wedding and are already assisting with the plans.  We want it to be a day of joyous celebration!  Blessings, Jon.

A Pivotal Day!

August 11, 1973

My whole family had gathered for the big event.  Several of us slept in the basement of my parent's home on William Penn Way (in New Brighton). Pretty much everyone was excited!  My brother, Ira, was the only one who tried to talk me out of it.

I got to the church plenty early.  My best friend, Bob Creese, was my best man!  He was a nervous wreck!  We stepped outside the church for a while so he could smoke.

The church was filled with family and friends (some later said they'd never seen the church so packed).  It was warm.  Dave Eakin was the presiding minister.

Deb's sisters (all five of them) preceded her down the aisle.  Finally, her Dad escorted her in!  Wow! She looked breathtakingly beautiful!  I couldn't believe she was about to become my wife!

I had written the ceremony with some counsel from my lifelong mentor, Glenn Hughes.  It was not flashy, but it got the job done.

The reception was at a firehall on 37th Street Extension in Beaver Falls.  It was crowded.  During the reception, Pastor Eakin stepped in behind our table.  He reported that a few of my aunts had pointed out that he had never officially pronounced us as "husband and wife";  so he did it there at our table!

My boss, Carlos Twitchell, (also my brother's father-in-law) also came to our table and slipped me a fifty dollar bill!  With it he said, "When you have breakfast tomorrow, order a steak."   I did!  Not the next day (Sunday), but on Monday morning at the Clarion Clipper Restaurant in Clarion, PA.  :-)

When it was time to leave for our honeymoon, our car had been sabotaged.  The windows were smeared with mayonnaise and the engine had Limburger cheese.  I had to drive straight to a car wash before we could leave town!

We spent our honeymoon night at Debbie's Aunt Dorothy's chalet in Marionville, PA.

On our wedding day, my sister-in-law informed me that we would be expected to return on Sunday morning to worship at my home church.  This necessitated a lot of unnecessary driving.  I bowed to the pressure and we did so.  Looking back:  it was a dumb idea!

On Monday we went to Conneaut Lake Park in Conneaut, PA.  While there we ran into a man from the New Brighton Free Methodist Church:  Joe Plassmeyer.  He bought us iced cream cones to celebrate our marriage!

Then we drove to a place called The Summit.  It was a honeymoon resort in the Pocono Mountains. We had a room with a heart shaped hot tub and a king sized bed!  We ate with many other couples in a lovely dining room!  Some were celebrating anniversaries as well as marriages.

One afternoon we participated in 'sack races'.  That evening we were presented a trophy at the evening meal titled:  'Best in the Sack at The Summit".  No kidding (I still have it)!

Actually, we didn't do a lot of celebrating.  Deb pretty quickly got an infection and had to see a doctor for an antibiotic.  :-(

Upon our arrival back at my folk's house, we opened all of our wedding gifts.  On Saturday, we packed up a U-Haul truck and headed for Wilmore, Kentucky, where I would soon be attending Asbury Theological Seminary.

Debbie followed me in our old Buick.  Going through Cincinnati, I told her to stick close to me. Most of the time, I couldn't even see her because she was so close behind the truck!

We pulled into Wilmore around 9:00 PM.  I backed the truck up to our duplex door and we collapsed. Suddenly, couples started appearing from every direction.  In short order, the truck was unloaded. Debbie simply stood at the door and told people where to put things.  A few women sneaked into our bedroom and set up the bed;  even found our sheets and had it all ready for us to climb into!  We didn't even know most of these people, but we do remember that Wayne and Becky Sawyer were part of the group!

Monday morning, Debbie started her new job at the First Security National Bank in Lexington. Shortly after, I began car-pooling with three other seminarians to UPS for the late-night shift!  These guys became a support group for the next couple of years.

Within a week, Debbie pulled a muscle in her back and was laid up.  We had no phone yet.  I remember walking down the street late one night and calling home for advice.  I truly felt the aloneness and responsibility I had for my new wife.  She recovered after seeing a doctor and we got settled in to our new life together in a new place!

Forty-four years later, the adventure continues...

TROY AND MISSY

True story:  On my first Sunday at New Middletown (July, 2003) we were overwhelmed with a LONG LINE of people who waited to greet us after worship!  So many new names to learn! 

In the line was a mother and her teenaged daughter.  The mom was Helen Noel and the daughter was Melissa Noel.  We spoke to them briefly as they introduced themselves to us.

As they turned to walk away, I whispered to Debbie:  "I'm going to have to tell Troy about that one!"  I did tell him about Melissa, but the timing wasn't ripe yet.

True story:  Most years, after Christmas, our friend Rhoda Swartz has a get-together at her home.  She and others pitch in all the Christmas left-overs and we just have a wonderful time of fellowship and fun!  It's a delight.

Our sons, Travis and Troy, were home for Christmas that year and were staying through New Year's;  so we were planning to attend Rhoda's party. 

The night of the party, Helen Noel asked Melissa if she'd like to go to Rhoda's with her and Mark.  She quickly replied:  "No!  I know what you're up to, Mom.  You're just trying to fix me up with one of those Haire boys!"

True story:  Troy and Melissa had a few friendly interactions over the years.  They had apparently caught each other's eye.

Two years ago at Family Camp, it gradually became apparent that they were migrating toward one another.

At the end of camp, Troy asked Melissa if she would be interested in dating long-distance?  She said "Yes."

That began a series of trips back-and-forth from New Middletown to Savannah.  Most frequently, Missy went to Savannah.  They had some incredibly beautiful dates and special times.  Eventually they announced that they were a couple on Facebook!

Last fall, they found reasons to get together many times - including a Haire Family Gathering at Travis' in Annapolis for the Navy Homecoming!  No doubt about it by this time - this relationship was heading somewhere! 

According to Missy, Troy first told her that he loved her a month before Thanksgiving - when he gave her a ring!  He wanted to get married at Christmas!  She made him wait until today!

The Wedding

Everyone arrived early.  The sanctuary was full a half-hour before the wedding!  It was warm.  So we started early.  The grandparents were seated.  The mothers lighted the candles.  The pastor, groom, best man, and groomsmen entered.  The bridesmaids came down the aisle.  Then the maid of honor.  Then the flower girl and ring bearer.  Finally, the bride - beautiful!  Everything went just as rehearsed the night before!

A proud father gave the bride to the groom.  The congregation was challenged.  The couple was charged to live in a covenant relationship.  A friend read scripture and gave a blessing.  The pastor talked about finishing strong - regardless of the circumstances.  All couples stood while the promises were exchanged!  Vows were made.  Rings were exchanged. A new candle was lighted.  Music was heard.  A pronouncement was given.  A kiss!  A first-time ever introduction!  Applause.  Greetings. 

A circus-tent reception with lots of cake!  The cutting of the cake.  Toasts.  Pictures!  Lots of visiting and talking.  A beautiful evening.  Dancing.  ALL-IN-ALL, A PERFECT DAY!

And somewhere in the midst of it all, a very mysterious thing occurred.  At some point in this perfect wedding day.......GOD BEGAN TO SEE NATE AND EMILY AS ONE!  May their marriage flourish and always be pleasing to God!

Wedding Rehearsal

Last evening I directed a wedding rehearsal and today I'll officiate at the wedding.

When I left seminary in 1976, I looked forward to working with young couples to plan their weddings.  I expected it to be one of the best parts of my new job!  I was anxious to bring my creativity and energy to the role.

But I was quickly disillusioned by couples who deceived me and by the onslaught of couples who chose to live together before marriage.  After thirty-five years in the ministry, unfortunately I now dread my participation in marrying couples.

That is until a couple like Nate and Emily come along!  The joy returns when you deal with a couple that has chosen to follow God's plan.  Two of the men who will stand up with Nate - he led to the Lord!  Nate and Emily are committed to following God's plan for their lives and to making the Bible the textbook for their marriage. 

Couples like Nate and Emily (and there are others!) renew my hope!  They're a testimony to the influence of being raised in a godly home! 

So, later today, I will joyfully be tying the knot!  The cord will be a triple-braided cord:  Nate, Emily, and Jesus!