JACOB'S OTHER ELEVEN!

This is a follow-up to a previous blog titled: PARENTING – JACOB’S FAILURES WITH JOSEPH.  Reading this blog will have added meaning after reading the first article. 

To be one of twelve kids might have some challenges! 

My wife, Debbie, is the ‘first-born’ [her choice of words] of nine kids.  I’m confident that they would all admit to a certain amount of chaos, conflict and competition while growing up.  Yet, I have two observations I will make about them without hesitation:

First, they are VERY CLOSELY connected!  They have a family thread that is active and alive every day.  Intercommunication is a key to close relationships!  They clearly love and respect each other.  They vacation together, pray for one another, and socialize frequently.

Second, they have been a remarkable support system to Debbie and me throughout our many years of ministry!  They created a safe place for us where we could relax and be ourselves.  They’ve loved and supported us unconditionally through some pretty strenuous crises in our family and churches. 

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In our story from yesterday, Jacob clearly favored Joseph above his other eleven sons: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin.  These boys were born to Leah, Rachel’s handmaid – Bilhah, Leah’s handmaid – Zilpah, and Rachel. 

Joseph was clearly the first-born of Jacob’s true love – Rachel.  This was apparently the reason that Jacob loved him so much!

But what must it have been like for the other eleven?  It had to have had an impact for one of the youngest to be so revered and honored.  How must Reuben have felt?  After all, he was the true ‘first-born son’ that was deemed so important in this period. 

The biblical record doesn’t hide the tension between these men.  That’s a lot of testosterone to be driving rivalries, positioning and differing opinions.  In Genesis 37 – the chapter under consideration – we notice that Reuben and Simeon are key players.  They happen to be the two oldest.  There clearly was a rank that was observed in this family in spite of the favoritism toward Joseph.  Reuben apparently felt the pressure of being held to account if anything should happen to his younger brother. 

First-born children often grow up with an increased sense of responsibility.  They are commonly viewed as mini-parents as they exercise authority over younger siblings. 

The study of birth order is a fascinating exploration that can shed vital light on the development of personalities within a family system!  [BOOK RECOMMENDATION:  The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, by Dr. Kevin Leman]

In 1986, John Trent and Gary Smalley presented a book titled, THE BLESSING.  [I just checked: this book – and its updated versions – is still available today!] 

The book studies the Old Testament concept of passing on a blessing to one’s children and then extrapolates from these observations to suggest five vital factors involved in giving the blessing to your children.  They are:

·         Meaningful and appropriate touch,

·         A spoken message,

·         Attaching high value to the one being blessed,

·         Picturing a special future for him or her, and

·         An active commitment to succeed by fulfilling the blessing you have bestowed upon them.

[This book also includes a wonderful chapter on "How To Give the Blessing To Your Spouse!"]

In my experience as a pastor over four decades and holding an M.A. in counseling, I would make the following statement without hesitation:

If you’re only going to read one book on parenting,

make it THE BLESSING, by John Trent and Gary Smalley!

Every child needs to be thought of as special and a unique gift from God!  They must know that they hold a place of high value to their parents.  Open expressions of favoritism is damaging to siblings!  It creates problems that will travel with these children throughout their lifetimes! 

Children need to be celebrated!  Their achievements must be recognized and applauded – especially by parents!  They must know that they hold a treasured spot in your hearts! 

Speaking as a counselor, many of the adjustment issues of adults track back to feelings of inadequacy that were implanted during childhood!  A parent’s words weigh HEAVY!  As parents, we must be especially careful with the use of our words.  Shunning a child because of anger or disappointment leaves a mark that can change their entire course of direction! 

During our child-rearing years, I tried to listen to two radio programs every day:

Ø  Focus On The Family – then featuring the teaching/ministry of Dr. James Dobson

Ø  Family Life Today – then featuring the teaching/ministry of Dennis Rainey

These programs and their many guests provided daily inspiration and instruction on raising a family and keeping a marriage healthy and growing!  I bought and read their books as well as listening to their programs.  One of the largest sections of my personal library was the 'Parenting' section!  Later, Debbie and I had numerous opportunities to pass on what we had learned to other couples. 

Left to our own devices, we will inevitably fall back on the way we were raised in working with our own children.  Most of us would readily admit that the patterns and techniques of our parents were at least partially flawed.  We must be caring enough to make the effort to be well-informed parents.

Let’s not make the mistakes that Jacob made.  Regardless if you had great parents or disconnected parents, or absentee parents [for a host of possible reasons], or distracted parents, or overly strict parents – DO YOUR BEST TO BE THE BEST PARENT YOU CAN BE!   Your kids’ future health depends on it!

DIDN'T GET YOUR PARENTS' BLESSING?

Over my many years of counseling, I've dealt with lots of people who were aware that they didn't receive their parents' blessing.  They grew up knowing that the blessing went to a sibling instead.  The pain that accompanies this realization is difficult to accept and live with.  Most will continue - sometimes throughout their entire life - to try to get this blessing!  In most cases, it will never come.  Sad!

Receiving the blessing of a parent is of major consequence!  We all want to know that we are special to our parents.  

I gave a Lyft to a mother and her young daughter several months ago.  The little girl was dressed so cute and she seemed to have a sweet disposition;  but she had done something that morning that angered her mother.  The whole 8-minute ride, she yelled at this precious little one and demeaned her.  I cringed as this little girl was called horrible names.  Then, she was told, "I may not come after you today.  I'm sick of you!"  I prayed for this little treasure all day long!  

Children want to - need to - be loved!  How many times have you seen a child call - over and over and over - "Mommy, watch me!  or "Daddy, watch me!"  They just want to be recognized.  They're begging!  "Mommy, Daddy, please recognize me and tell me that I'm special!"  So many are forced to live invisible lives.  

Genesis 28 gives a vivid picture of this.  Jacob has stolen Esau's (his older brother's) birthright and blessing!  It was wrong to do so and involved deception that included their mother's scheming!  Esau is hurt and angry - these two always go together!  When their father, Isaac calls Jacob in and sends him away to find a wife who is not a Hittite, Esau learns of this.  He has already taken two wives from among the Hittites and is over forty years old!  

But that desire to be accepted and loved runs deep and long!  As a result, Esau takes a third wife - this time from among the family connection of his uncle Ishmael.  His reasoning is clear!  "If I marry a woman from the family - who is not a Hittite - perhaps I will finally get the blessing of my father and mother?"  But these hopeful responses rarely work.  

Fortunately, as the chapters unfold, we eventually see an Esau who seems to have accepted his plight in life.  He seems to have found a way to be satisfied without having received the blessing of his parents.

But most will continue to strive and try to get that blessing.  Ultimately, they will give up using good behavior and turn to bad behavior in an effort to get their parents' attention!  Lives are destroyed in the process!

Parents!  Listen to your children!  Give them your attention!  Praise them!  Help them to know how special they are.  Help them discover their areas of giftedness.  Picture a bright future for them!  Hold them tenderly.  

A word of advice from an old guy:  Bedtime is a great time to do this!  Children are often reflective at this time.  Ask them about their day.  

• What was the best thing that happened today?
• Did anything funny happen today?
• Were you sad at all today?
• How can Mommy (or Daddy) pray for you as you go to sleep?

I know!  You're tired at this point of the day!  You just want to get them to bed so you can have some time to yourself.  I understand.  That's why - in our family - I often was the one to put our kids to bed.  It was my gift to Debbie!  I had more energy than she did.  I hadn't been with them all day long.  We would tickle and wrestle and talk and then pray!  I had a special prayer that I used with each of them.

One more word of counsel:  don't stop doing this when they grow older!  As long as they'll let you, put them to bed.  We tend to think that teens don't need us as much as they did when they were younger.  WRONG!  They need us more!  Be available!  Let them talk!  Listen to them!  Make gentle inquiries.  Never let an opportunity to pray with them pass!  

Make time for each of your kids!  Single them out for special time toegether!  Make sure they ALL get your blessing!  

BLESSING YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR CHILDREN!

A summary of Genesis 27:

Isaac is close to dying. 

He instructs his first-born son, Esau, to prepare a wild game meal and be ready to receive his  blessing. 

Rebekah, Isaac's wife, overhears the conversation.

Loving Jacob more, she coaches the younger son to deceive his father by impersonating his brother and stealing Esau's blessing.   

Jacob pulls it off - even though Isaac seems suspicious. 

Esau returns and discovers what has happened.  He is desperately disappointed and furious. 

He vows to kill Jacob after Isaac's death. 

Rebekah schemes to have Jacob sent to live with her brother, Laban, until Esau's temper cools.  She doesn't want him to marry a Hitite woman.

WORDS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND PARENTING

Previous glimpses of this marriage were positive in nature.  Isaac and Rebekah appeared to have a good marriage when they were younger.  But, with the birth of children, they apparently grew distant.  According to Genesis 25:28, Isaac loved Esau while Rebekah loved Jacob.   This is a recipe for disaster.  To be healthy, wealthy and wise, children need the love and attention of both father and mother!  That's why God designed marriage the way He did!  We do not have the luxury of loving one child more than the other!  

The world can be harsh!  Children will need the love and devotion of both parents to be able to make it!  Gary Smalley and John Trent claim that there are five elements to the blessing that we must provide to EACH of our children:  [THE BLESSING, 2004, Thomas Nelson Publishing]

• meaningful touch
• spoken words
• expressing high value
• picturing a special future, and
• active commitment

When they are deprived any of these from either parent, the potential for maladjustment is increased!  

Parents must pull together to raise children in a healthy, fair, balanced environment!  Competition has its place, but siblings need to be taught that they are on the same team!  Playing 'favorites' will inevitably create jealousy, animosity and meanness!  These are destructive forces that can and will destroy relationships and lives!  

Isaac may not have understood this since he was raised as an only child.  He put great stock in the belief that the blessing went to the first-born son.  Rebekan, on the other hand, had been told by God [25:23] while her twins were still in her womb, that the older child would serve the younger.  Perhaps she was simply guilty of trying to facilitate God's revealed will.  

Rebekah's character is exposed, however, in this story.  She is an eavesdropper and a schemer who clearly acts to deceive her husband.  Although her intentions may have been right, her actions were clearly not!  

There's another point that often eludes us in this passage.  According to Isaac's blessing of Jacob, there were other brothers as well!  [27:29]

Be master of your brothers and may your mother's sons bow down to you.

How were these other children affected by this conspiratorial act?  

Isaac and Rebekah failed to cultivate a closeness and shared concern for their children.  They had apparently allowed their relationship to stagnate and develop into petty rivalries.  How sad!  The damage of such a development is always manifested in the lives of the children!  

Don't let this happen in your family!  Stay close and committed in your parenting goals.  Love one another openly and genuinely;  it is the best way to maintain health, comfort and confidence in the lives of your children!  Together, give them the blessing by studying and implementing Smalley and Trent's list [above].  

And PRAY!  Pray for wisdom, guidance, unity and grace!  Pray together!  Pray together for your children!  Pray with your children!  Never stop praying with them - even when they mature and leave home!  Keep passing them the blessing as long as you live!