YES, YOU CAN MARRY OUR DAUGHTER!

[Back in July, 2004, I received a phone call from a young man named Jon Kerstetter.  This is my response to that call.  I share it for the educational value that might be derived from reading it.  I feel VERY STRONGLY that fathers should be proactive in the lives of their children!  If you'd like to know how I feel about Jon today, read a blog entry I wrote about him on June 16, 2019, titled:  "Meet My Son-In-Law"]  And yes, he gave me permission to share this letter several months ago, but for whatever reason, I waited until today to do so.  :-)

This letter was written July 21, 2004

Dear Jon,

I’ve been wanting to write to you ever since you called and asked permission to marry Tracie.  In all of my preparation and planning for parenthood, I had not really ever given thought to the fact that someday a man would ask me if he could marry my daughter.  That’s a little embarrassing for me, since I pride myself on being prepared for most of life’s parenting situations.  I don’t know how this one eluded me?  J  So, I really wasn’t prepared for your call.  It felt awkward.  For one thing, I hate phones and prefer to speak face-to-face – which, of course, wasn’t an option for us that day (since Jon was in the Navy).  But let me cut to the chase – now that I’ve had some time to think and reflect.

You need to know, I’ve never been real keen on the practice of giving our daughters away in marriage.  Why do we give our daughters away, but not our sons?  The whole thing has confused me all along.  I appreciate the tradition of the thing, but am offended by the reality of it.  Tracie is a grown woman.  She is also Debbie’s and my daughter.  We have raised her toward independence, knowing that someday she would take off and find her own way in life.  We welcomed that day when she drove away from our home in Akron to live in Maryland.  She had met our requirements:  to wait until she was eighteen and had graduated from high school.  Although we were proud and pleased to have her leave – it also ripped my heart out to watch her drive away.  Something inside me hurt terribly that day.  Debbie, Troy, and I wept repeatedly over the next several days – and then, life went on. 

We have raised our kids in the best way that we knew.  We are glad and proud to have given them a godly heritage that extends back several generations that we know of.  We gave them lots of freedom and specific boundaries.  We trusted them until they broke the trust – and then we worked with them to rebuild the trust.  

Our parenting role is in its final season.  We are beginning to look at our kids as full, equal adults now.  We can learn from them as much as they can learn from us.  We appreciate that they respect us and still turn to us for counsel and support.  That’s a blessing to us.  We have confidence in our three young adults.  We’ve invested deeply into their lives in ways that you will probably discover as you have opportunity to get to know us.  We love them more than words can express.  We will trust their decisions and pray that God gives them wisdom and discernment.  Of course, we want the best for them. 

So, in regards to you marrying Tracie:  I trust her wisdom and sensitivity.  She would only choose a man who was a good man.  She knows what she wants and you obviously embody that.  Debbie and I will be pleased to welcome you as an extension of our family.  We are anxious to get to know you better and allow our love for you to grow.  We pray for you daily – every time we pray for the three T’s.  I specifically pray for God to help you to be the perfect husband for my daughter and the perfect father for some of my grandchildren.  I hope you will allow Him to shape and influence your life.

I ask you several things:

1. Please love and respect Tracie – till death do you part!
2. Prioritize her always – cherish her!
3. Love, nurture, protect, and teach any children that God gives your home.
4. Be a man of your word – have integrity.
5. Be passionate about living.  God has designed you for a purpose;  pursue that purpose!

We look forward to the wedding and are already assisting with the plans.  We want it to be a day of joyous celebration!  Blessings, Jon.

LEANINGS TOWARD ACTIVISM

I've been a letter-writer most of my adult life!  Literally hundreds of letters have gone out under my name over the years.  I've written presidents, senators, congressmen, governors, companies, and even foreign governments.  Fox News, ABC News and CBS News each probably have files with my name on them!  When I view unacceptable programming on TV, I grab my iPhone and send an email!

I remember the day that Travis called and told us that his chief (in the Navy) had recommended that he apply to the Naval Academy.  He did so and was happily invited for an interview.  It went well and weeks later he received his acceptance letter!  Woo Hoo!  He called to report that all he needed now was a letter of recommendation from one of his state senators.

My heart sank!  We lived in Ohio at the time and I had repeatedly written critical letters to Senators Metzenbaum and Glenn.  I gave Trav the bad news:  "Son, there's no way you'll get a recommendation from either of these senators.  They're the two most liberal senators and I've written to them many times - they'll quickly connect you to me!"  Ever the optimist, he responded:  "Oh no, Dad, I'll get a letter from one of them!"

Three weeks later he called and told me that they wouldn't even talk with him about a recommendation.  :-(    I was crushed!

But, he persevered!  "Dad, I can still hope for a recommendation from the president or the vice president!"

"Travis, I hate to tell you this, but I've also written numberless letters to President Clinton and Vice President Gore!  You're going to run into the same wall!"

"Oh no, Dad, they won't connect me to you..."

Weeks later:  "Dad, you were right.  They won't even respond to my requests."

"Trav, is there any other way that you can get a recommendation?"

"Yeah, there's one more route - the Secretary of the Navy.  Have you ever written to him, Dad?"  "No, son, I've never written to him."  [And that's where Travis got his recommendation!  😊]

But even this negative experience didn't stop me.  I've picketed porn shops and marched outside Planned Parenthood Clinics.  I've repeatedly attended the annual March for Life in Washington, D.C. and carried signs on the sidewalk in front of the White House and the Supreme Court [for nearly three years we lived just outside the D.C. Beltway].  I've joined others in prayer in these places as well!  I've attended Senate hearings (when allowed) and participated in National Day of Prayer events in D.C. as well as in every locality in which I've lived.

Obviously, I lean toward making my voice be heard!  Debbie and I have had a conflict over and over throughout the years.  She's a Fox news junkie and makes frequent complaints about things going on politically in our nation.  I always come back with the challenge to write an email [which is SO EASY to do] and let her voice be heard!  That usually ends our discussion...

Today, however, after Senator Minority Leader, Schumer's public threats against Supreme Court Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh - I finally got her to write an email !  I had already written him two  this morning and told her how easy it was.  "Just type "Write Schumer" into your browser and follow the link and instructions;  it will take you all of five minutes to send him an email!"

She did it!  Woo Hoo!  Take my word for it - if Debbie can do it - SO CAN YOU!  

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE COOL?

I picked up a forty-something truck driver in Ravenna this week and gave him a Lyft to Austintown.  That gave us a good opportunity to talk.  I ended up telling him a few stories along the way.

He was pretty amazed that I'd hitch-hiked 10,000 miles between 1969 and 1973.  I talk a little about this in my blogger banner.  Most of these miles were between Rochester, New York (where I went to college) and New Brighton, Pennsylvania (my hometown).  My last two years found me making frequent trips home for weekends to be with Debbie.  I also hitch-hiked between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh several times during summers while I was working on a roofing crew and living with my brother.  My new friend was particularly impressed when I talked about sleeping on the side of the road from time-to-time [in that time period, traffic significantly dropped off after dark].

Then I told him about Deb and me moving to Kentucky in 1973.  I drove the U-Haul truck and she followed in our big, old Buick.  I had discovered that I could save money by returning the truck to Cincinnati, so, I loaded my Honda 90 in the back of the truck and headed back to Ohio.  It was my reasoning that I should return the truck with a near empty tank.  Consequently, I ran out of gas four miles from the dealership!  I had to unload the bike and go for gas to finish the trip to the dealership.  Upon arriving, they promptly filled the gas tank and charged me a premium price for the tank of gas!  😯  Then I still had a 100-mile trip back to our new apartment on a Honda 90.

The last story I shared with him was about leaving Roberts Wesleyan College in June, 1971, and driving that same Honda 90 to Willow Grove, Pennsylvania [nearly 350 miles at a top speed of 50 mph].  It took me several days!  I spent my nights in old YMCA's along the route where I was able to get a room for $5-7/night.  The doors had no locks and I shared the bathroom with older men who also roomed there.  I put a chair up against my door each night!  It was creepy!  But I made it - with a very tired and sore behind!

Anyway, when we arrive at his health club and he was getting out of my car, he stuck his head back inside and said, "Harold, you're a cool guy!  You ought to write a book!"  For the record:  I don't get told that I'm cool very often!  😊

DOLORES

Debbie and I have always joked that we had a parental advantage since she is the oldest (she calls it 'first-born') of nine children and I'm the youngest of four.  We figured we had all the bases covered.

Deb's Mom was always Mrs. Whippo to me during our dating years;  only after we'd been married a while did she become Dolores.  Most of my encounters with her were pleasant.  Sometimes I felt like we were more friends than mother-in-law/son-in-law.

Actually, my first love in the Whippo family was Janie.  She trailed me around Family Camp for several summers begging me to take her higher and higher on the big swing set up on the hill!  She was an adventurous, fun-loving little side-kick and she earned a special place in my heart.

After Debbie asked me out on our first date, I became a somewhat frequent visitor to the farm in Enon Valley.  I'll never forget my first visit to the farm with my friend, Howard Smith.  As we pulled into the front yard we saw a cloud of dust coming around the side of the cornfield.  Suddenly several horses came to halt and a gaggle of kids surrounded us.  They were barefooted and dirty!  Then came a million questions!  What an experience.

When I arrived for our first date, the kids were starry-eyed as Debbie came down in her gown with her hair all fixed high with yellow ribbons in it.  Barbie was three.  Laurie and Cathy had coached her to climb up me and give me a sucker bite on my neck!  She wrapped her little arms and legs around me and climbed me like a tree!

From that point on, I was an occasional visitor at the Whippo dinner table.  That was quite an experience!  I was squeezed in at the foot of the table on a corner.  Twelve of us served ourselves in turn.  The eating began immediately as Dolores put the food on the table.  She was always a blur of activity as she prepared the meal for this small crowd.  Finally, when she sat down, Ken stopped everyone and offered a prayer.  His gentle, direct way of talking to the Lord was always an inspiration.

After the meal, no one left the table;  it was a rather remarkable thing.  You'd think that all these kids would hurry off to continue whatever they had been doing before dinner.  But no, instead, they stayed at the table because of the animated discussions that took place there.  Ken was a dominant contributor to these dialogues, of course, but Dolores also offered her opinion frequently and strongly.  These nine children learned debate skills, conversational patterns, and apologetics in an informal atmosphere that was as natural as natural could be.  To this day they each have remarkable skills at observation and reflection that were cultivated around that family table.

Some of the discussions were mundane, like when does water boil and can it get hotter than 212 degrees?  Other discussions were about scriptures.  Ken essentially discipled his kids by passing on what he was learning from his teachers (prominently:  Pastor Fred Schreffler and a woman named Thelma).  His love for the scriptures was deeply instilled in the minds of his kids.

Of course, Dolores' crowning achievement in life was bringing ten children into this world in fourteen years (daughter, Audrey, only survived a short time).  She was literally washing diapers for sixteen years!

I remember her as this small-stature woman who always stood quietly beside tall, thin Ken.  She was an attractive woman - even during those many years when her life was being poured into the lives of her kids.  She was relatively quiet.

Dolores was raised in a large family too.  She had one brother and five sisters.  Her father had worked in a blast furnace while her Mom was a home-maker.  We called them Gram and Pap.  He had experienced throat surgery by the time I knew him and spoke with a small vibrator that he held against his throat.  He was small of stature but had a unique sense of humor.  Dolores and her siblings took care of their parents for a number of years until they each passed.  This became a model that Debbie and her siblings would follow in caring for Dolores.

Dolores was always good to me.  Well, almost always.  At meals, she would fuss that I had enough to eat (I was a BIG eater in those days).  It often embarrassed me because I got such favorable treatment.  Much later, Travis played into her favor as well.  If he worked on the farm, she would pull out a big T-bone steak and cook it for him.  Of course, he reveled in her attention and coddled her all the more!  🤣

There was a time, however, that Dolores showed me her other side.  We had come home from a date and were sitting up in the living room talking.  At 1:00 AM, Dolores came downstairs and demanded that I leave, telling me that I should be ashamed of myself!  She was right - I had not used good judgment!

There was another time that through a set of unfortunate (and not fully accurate) circumstances, she and Ken felt that I was an inappropriate suitor for Debbie.  They officially banned us from being together for about a year.  Of course, we sneaked out on a few dates.  Also, Deb's Grandma Whippo allowed us to meet a few times in her apartment in Rochester, too.  To my good fortune, Ken and Dolores eventually had a change of heart about me and we were once again allowed to be together!

For a good many years (mostly after the children were grown), Dolores struggled pretty deeply with depression.  Her doctor, Doc Kennedy, was a good, Christian man who took considerable time to counsel her and pray with her.  His attention was a staple in seeing her through those dark days.  I identify pretty closely with the struggles of depression.  It's a dark and lonely experience that no one else fully understands - nor do we ourselves.  I always gave Dolores  credit for continuing the struggle and staying as present as she could through those hard years.

Dolores was a blessing to us!  She came and stayed a week with us when each of our kids were born. We lived in Wilmore, Kentucky upon Travis' birth, but she came and stayed over a week to help Debbie recover and get established.  What better teacher than someone who'd been down that road nine times?  She also came and stayed with our kids for about a week every spring when Debbie and I would go off to the Minister's Institute of the Northeast.  They enjoyed having Grandma watch them and especially enjoyed the meals she made.

Dolores and I maintained a good and healthy relationship over the years.  I hope she enjoyed me.  I certainly enjoyed conversations I had with her.  On one occasion, she loaned us some money as we consolidated some loans.  She was patient with us as we paid it back.  Dolores was a shrewd money manager.  She watched Fox News religiously over the years and read the stock market adeptly.  She's the only person I know who saw the 2008 downturn coming and cashed out just before the crash took place - she didn't lose a penny!

Because of her financial acuity, she was able to pay her kids to take care of her over these last several years.  I'm sure it was satisfying to her to be able to do so.

Dolores passed quietly Wednesday morning (2/12) after several days of no communication.  She was in a good relationship with her family and had enjoyed the visits of the Hospice Chaplain who assures us that she had made her peace with God!

Did she leave a legacy?  Well, she has nine children, twenty-eight grandchildren, seventeen great-grandchildren (with one on-the-way) and most (if not all of these) are serving the Lord today!  I'd say she left a legacy!

THOUGHTS ON TURNING 68

On the occasion of turning sixty-eight, I thought I'd make a few statements and observations.

It feels strange that I've now lived longer than my mother did.  She died two months before attaining this age.

In my whole life, I never once looked forward to turning sixty-eight.  It happened with no fanfare, no cake, no special dinner, no family gathering, no candles, no singing...birthdays change as you get older!  Debbie did present me with a really special card, two new flannel shirts and a bag of chocolates!  My family all sent birthday texts to celebrate the event.  I got a birthday card from my 403b plan;  also one from Debbie's Aunt Bonnie Lou!  My Facebook friends inundated me with greetings!  It took me over two hours to respond to them all...

Thus far, I've faced no age that has presented itself as a crisis age.  I look forward to turning seventy because I'm committed to eating a whole package of Klondike bars that day!  When I turn seventy-five, I plan to eat a whole dozen DeAngelis cream-filled donuts (if they're still open).  

I have distinct liabilities:

• My hearing grows increasingly bad!  It hinders my desire to be with people and even to attend church.
• I no longer sleep well through the night.  An uninterrupted  four-hour-sleep is a welcome thing!
• I've heard my father and siblings speak of arthritis problems for years.  I'm now beginning to experience this unwelcome guest in my shoulders at night - another sleep interruptor.
• Throughout my younger years I loved staying up late at night and getting up early in the morning.  I've finally given up the late-at-night thing.  First, I gave up on late-night comedians.  Next I gave up on 10:00 PM shows - I missed too many endings.  Now, I find myself struggling to make it till 10:00 PM.  9:30 PM seems to be my new bedtime!
• I still get up at 5:30 AM.  Often it's to drive for Lyft, but it's also because I can't take the pain of staying in bed any longer.  Sleeping in is a luxury I no longer enjoy.
• I recently embarked on a renewed effort to lift weights, exercise and walk.  I had to reduce my effort due to lower back pain.

I also have significant blessings:

• I serve a risen Savior and live with the hope of Heaven!
• I have a faithful wife!
• My family loves me!
• I have two incredible grandchildren!
• We own our home.
• The Social Security Administration makes monthly deposits to my bank account!
• The Free Methodist Pension Department does the same!
• For the most part, I enjoy driving for Lyft at least several days a week which further advances my bank account.
• Thanks to Troy (and help from friends and family) we have a wonderful two-car garage!
• We own three vehicles:  2003, 2005, and 2008.
• In addition, we own a cabin at the Tri-State Campground (thanks in part to Travis) and a 2001 fifth-wheel-camper.
• My wonderful, soft bed is pre-warmed all winter by a mattress heater.
• We have a freezer full of food and a well-stocked pantry!
• Our dog seems to really like me.
• The neighbors appear to think I'm okay.
• We go on vacations at least several weeks every year.
• I have friends from MANY different countries!

Did you notice that my blessings outnumber my liabilities?  They really do - by far!  I'm a fortunate and blessed man!  My life isn't as active and engaged as it was even four years ago, but I still have more to be thankful for than I'm capable of reviewing in a brief blog article.  Thanks be to God - let's see what this next year holds.

Will I hit the Appalachian Trail again?

Will we find an opportunity to serve in another country?

Will I finish any of the three books I've started?

Will I volunteer for Samaritan's Purse?

Will we make our much-awaited trip out west?

Stay tuned for the answers...

QUESTIONS FROM THE SEASONS OF LIFE

I've been re-reading one of the classics that helped form my life, "A RESILIENT LIFE:  You Can Move Ahead, No Matter What" by Gordon MacDonald.

In one of his chapters [7] he speaks of foreseeing the great questions of the passage of life.  Interestingly, he couches this discussion in the context of lessons for worship leaders who plan and lead worship for a multi-aged congregation.  He considers it important for that worship planner/leader to give consideration to the variant frames of reference of his or her worshippers.

His supposition:  "As the questions change, so does the content (and perhaps the form) of our spiritual interests."  (p.50)  Then, he extrapolates to help that worship planner/leader as they prepare for this monumental task.

The life questions of twenty-somethings

• What kind of man or woman am I becoming?
• How am I different from my mother or father?
• Where can I find a few friends who will welcome me as I am and who will offer the familylike connections that I need [or never had]?
• Can I love, and am I loveable?
• What will I do with my life?
• What is it that I really want in exchange for my life's labors?
• What parts of me and my life need correction?
• Around what person or conviction will I organize my life?

The life questions of thirty-somethings

• How do I prioritize the demands being made on my life?
• How far can I go in fulfilling my sense of purpose?
• Because these folks are so busy getting life's routines established, there is little growing recognition that one's primary community is changing.  The friends of youth have gone off in different directions - some married, some single and some perhaps to other parts of the world!  Therefore:  Who are the people with whom I walk through life?
• Spiritual questions no longer center on the ideals of youth but on the realities of a life that is tough and unforgiving.  Life's requirements offer little time for contemplation and spiritual revitalization.  Therefore:  What does my spiritual life look like?  Do I even have time for one? 
• There can also be a nagging thought:  Why am I not a better person?

The life questions of forty-somethings

• The complexities of life further accelerate - and this is worrisome.  We are expected to handle the bumps and bruises of life with an unshakeable courage.  Panic and fear are for the younger and older, but in the forties the expectation is that one is solid.  Therefore:  Who was I as a child, and what powers back then influence the kind of person I am today?
• Why do some people seem to be doing better than I?
• Why am I often disappointed with myself and others?
• Why are limitations beginning to outnumber options?
• The forties can be dangerous.  Bodies change.  Children become independent, even begin to leave home.  Marriages have to be readjusted to face new realities.  Some enjoy financial leverage while others wonder if they'll ever be financially secure.  Some give up the struggle and try to go backward in hopes of retrieving earlier pleasures.  Therefore:  Why do I seem to face so many uncertainties?
• What can I do to make a greater contribution to my generation?
• What would it take to pick up a whole new calling in life and do the thing I've always wanted to do?

The life questions of fifty-somethings

• Fifty somethings begin to realize that they have moved across life's middle.  Now one finds him/herself wondering how many years are left.  The news of friends dying, marriages dissolving, and people moving to places of retirement increase.  It is a time for sober thinking.  Therefore:  Why is time moving so fast?
• Why is my body becoming unreliable?
• How do I deal with my failures and my successes?
• How can my spouse and I reinvigorate our relationship now that the children are gone?
• Who are these young people who want to replace me at work?
• What do I do with my doubts and fears?
• Will we have enough money for the retirement years if there are health problems or economic downturns?  

The life questions of sixty-somethings

• When do I stop doing the things that have always defined me?
• Why do I feel ignored by a large part of the younger population?
• Why am I curious about who is listed in the obituary column of the paper, how they died, and what kinds of lives they lived?
• Do I have enough time to do all the things I've dreamed about in the past?
• Who will be around me when I die?
• If married, which one of us will go first, and what is it like to say good-bye to someone with whom you have shared so many years of life?
• Are the things I've believed in capable of taking me to the end?
• Is there really life after death?
• What do I regret?
• What are the chief satisfactions of these many years of living?
• What have I done that will outlive me?

The life questions of those in their seventies, eighties and nineties...

• Does anyone realize, or even care, who I once was?
• Is anyone aware that I once owned (or managed) a business, threw a mean curve ball, taught school, possessed a beautiful solo voice, had an attractive face?  
• Is my story important to anyone?
• How much of my life can I still control?
• Is there anything I can still contribute?
• Why this anger and irritability?
• Is God really there for me?
• Am I ready to face death?
• When I die (how will it happen?), will I be missed, or will the news of my death bring relief?
• Heaven?  What is it like?

It seems to me that those of us who populate churches might be better friends and neighbors if we periodically re-acquainted ourselves with these life questions.  Just saying...

AN INTERVENTION OF GOD?

In watching the news over the last several days, I've been motivated to write today about another possibility.  We've just emerged from a time of major crisis!  We were at a point where war was imminent!   If the Iran missiles had taken lives, then President Trump's response would have been very different.  It's likely that we would be in a full-fledged conflagration with Iran right now.

First of all:  thanks be to God!  No one wants war!

I've heard two prominent explanations for the fact that no lives were lost as a result of the Iranian retribution launch.  First, some say that they deliberately launched with no intent to take American lives.  The evidence for this is supported by the fact that via Iraq, they notified the American forces BEFORE the launch.  The destruction of property has been catalogued, but no loss of life was documented.

However, there's a second view that has been put forward by the Presidents' Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley.  He suggested that the Iranians did target with the intention of killing American troops.  This implies either incompetence [rather than intention] or faulty equipment as the reason that no lives were lost.  Hmmm...who is right?

I would suggest another alternative - one that I hope someone brings to the attention of our president. In my humble opinion, it is the most likely scenario.

On the evening of the Iranian threats and launch, thousands of military families were thrown into alarm.  Their family members (sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers) were in the midst of the crisis.  Their response?  PRAYER!

However, not only those military families prayed;  tens of thousands of Christians across this country (maybe even more) began to cry out to God for protection over our troops!  The throne of God was assaulted with a barrage of prayers seeking protection for our forces in harm's way!  It's impossible to gauge this response or even imagine how many were calling on God's mercy and power.

And I believe God responded by diverting these missiles away from our hunkered down troops!  I don't know if God used angels to alter the direction of these missiles or if God used a finger to do so. Or perhaps the great God Almighty simply willed them to their fruitless destinations.  But the end result was clear:  there was NO LOSS OF LIFE!

To those who may agree with this assessment, please join me in praying that someone will alert President Trump to this third possibility.  He needs to have a greater understanding of the power of God.  He needs to be given the opportunity to at least consider that we are not at war today because GOD INTERVENED in response to the united prayers of His people!

THANKS BE TO GOD!  

Let's also lift our prayers to God for the grieving families who lost loved ones in the Ukrainian jet that was mistakenly shot down a few hours after the missile launch!  In an unimaginable and ironic twist, they are suffering the loss that was intended for the Americans.

God, comfort the grieving in their anger and pain.  Awaken Iran and its leaders to Your awesome power and love!  For the Kingdom's sake.  Amen.