You're Not Going to Kittanning Today, Dad!

It was a year ago today.  Troy and I had been working together.  At 2:30 PM, I stopped and went in to shower and pack so that I could leave for Kittanning in time to arrive for God's Choice Church.  Troy was talking on his phone when I went in and was still talking when I started carrying my bags out.  He met me on the porch and told me that there was something going on.  I tried to push past him saying that I had to get on my way to Kittanning or I'd be late!  He firmly placed his hand on my chest and said:  "You're not going to Kittanning today, Dad!"

I asked, "Why?"  That was my last moment of peace...

His next words jolted my soul and created a disturbance that hasn't settled yet.

"Dad, Trav had a cardiac arrest and is in the hospital in critical condition."

Disbelief.  Shock.  Anguish.  Sorrow.  They mingled together in my mind as I tried to incorporate what my son had just said to me.

To be honest, everything after that is a fog to me.  I know that within hours we were on a plane headed for Honolulu (Debbie, me, Troy and Missy and Tracibeth).  And the next morning we walked into the room where we would keep vigil for the next four days. At first, we were given a small ray of hope, but the longer we stayed, the more we realized that Travis was not coming back to us.

We stood for countless hours at his bedside, stroking his hands and arms and face.  We talked to him, sang to him, prayed with him and even played music for him.  A parade of chaplains visited us and prayed with us. Outstanding among them was Chaplain Lee Axtell, who stopped more frequently and stayed longer than the others.  After Trav's death, we actually attended church with Chaplain Axtell and his wife;  then they took us out to eat.

We were wanderers in a foreign land.

We stayed in a hotel for a few days and then moved to an extremely nice, private home that was made available to us by a private individual who had never met any of us.  Travis' husband, Josh, and a host of his friends and Navy co-workers came to our side;  many of them stayed for hours and came every day.  The hospital personnel were gracious and kind.  Navy wives brought food to us and sat with us.

We toured the house that Trav and Josh had worked so hard on renovating. Oh, how we wished that Travis could be giving us that tour.

We were asked to stay for a week to attend a Memorial service in Travis' honor at the Pearl Harbor Chapel. His Commander and Executive officer came to Travis' bedside to console us.  The chapel was nearly full for that service.  So many Navy Seals came and spoke to us of their tremendous appreciation for Travis;  they unraveled stories that amused and comforted us! Travis' Commander was the primary speaker and highly honored our son with his kind words and stories.  [We have a video of that service, but haven't been able to watch it yet.]

Then, we went home to wait for the final arrangements to be made for the funeral in Annapolis.

All of Deb's siblings attended and my one of my sisters and my brother.  Many of Travis' cousins came.  A few friends and ministry associates came.  Janie and Katie decorated the funeral parlor with pictures of Travis hanging from helium balloons.  Tables were covered with dozens of other pictures;  his smiling face beaming in every one!  Chaplain Axtell came and participated in the funeral.  At the end of the evening, our friend, Pastor Bob Singleton, called everyone together and led in a prayer.

The service took place in the massive, ornate chapel where a small crowd gathered in the first ten pews.  I don't remember much of the service. Afterward, we walked behind the hearse and honor guard across the Academy Yard to the memorial garden where Travis' ashes would be interred. The normally busy Navy world ground to a halt to honor our son!

Along with Josh, we offered a reception for all of our guests and had a short opportunity to visit and receive greetings from so many.  Then, we went home...

The year has been one of massive change for us.  We bought a manufactured home and had it placed on a lot in a retirement community in Enon Valley. Consequently, we moved again - hopefully for the last time.  I continued in my role of part-time pastor.  Debbie retired.

I feel different.  It's impossible for me to explain, but I'd like to try.  Times of real joy are less frequent in our lives.  Debbie has meltdowns, although they are gradually growing further apart.  I am much more forgetful than I've ever been before.  I have a harder time focusing.  My passion for life has diminished.

I've always lived my life looking forward to something:  a date night, a good meal, a family gathering, a vacation, a trip, a holiday, etc., etc..  That's far less true today.  I often find it difficult to find anything to genuinely look forward to.

I find myself wondering how much of what I'm experiencing is grief and how much is a result of aging?  I suspect that grief is the bigger piece of that puzzle.  In spite of being a pastor and counselor, I don't think I've handled my grief very well.  I live a life of constant inner thoughts that hinder my ability to stay focused on what I'm doing.  Although I wept at Travis' bedside, memorial service and funeral, I haven't wept since.

I have so many questions.  Questions about Travis' death.  Questions too private to utter.  So far, no answers.  It seems I'm simply left to ponder.

Debbie and I find our greatest comfort in one another's arms.  We continue to take joy in Troy and Missy and Jon and Tracie and Rylie and Coltin.  We appreciate the comfort we've received from family and a few persistent friends.  We move on.  Sorrow slows our pace.  God is our daily Source of strength.  We know He weeps with us - as do many who are reading this blog...