It's 5:30 AM, and I just woke up a bit ago after having a vivid dream about our son, Travis. In the dream he was so alive and interactive. He was more mature than I might have expected. He was as gracious as he always was in real life! Some of my family - including my nephew, Lee - were travelling and Travis put us all up in an apartment were he was living. Josh was there, too, of course. His humor was intact - as expected. We hugged and talked as though everything was perfectly normal.
And then, after what seemed like a long dream, I woke up.
The trauma of having lost him again hit me with an unexpected force as I lay trying not to shake the bed with my weeping. It was useless! Debbie reached out to me as I sobbed and wept for nearly half-an-hour.
Of course, she didn't know the reason for my tears. She tried to comfort me. I've been struggling with depression for the last several weeks, so she assumed it had to do with that. When I explained my dream and the reason for my tears, she joined me as we wept over the loss of our son - four years ago!
This is not a normal experience for me. I don't weep a lot - very rarely actually. But this was overpowering.
I miss my son more than words can describe! I miss the phone calls and the visits. I miss his wit, his charm, his goofy laugh, his perspective, his counsel, his warmth and acceptance!
I wrestle with a deep pain that I somehow failed him. It's a cosmic ache in my spirit. I have regrets that I can't do anything about. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him? Did he understand just how proud I was of him? He always knew he was special - did he realize that I always thought he was special, too?
These are the pains that are associated with grief and they run deeply! Almost imperceptive, they course through our subconscious and rarely surface. We smile and go our way and people think we're fine. We even think we're fine.
And then, suddenly, we're awake at 5:00 AM weeping uncontrollably.
Debbie prayed over me as we lay in the dark together. I'm feeling a bit stronger now - although tears still dot the deck of my laptop.
Please understand: I'm not seeking your consolation. I've deeply appreciated the support of friends and family through the years. I'm a wealthy man when it comes to this area. I'm processing publicly to clarify and educate.
On the outside, I'm a big, strong guy. But on the inside, I'm a deeply broken man who depends on God's grace and who is just trying to find my way - the same as you...
