Walking on the Edge

It was early and dark, with subtle hints that dawn would come.  I was alone. The waves were gentle and barely made a sound;  I knew they were there although I couldn't yet see them.  The ocean had receded well over a hundred yards from where I walked.  Only a few condos had lights on.  A few lights scattered across the water indicated that some were fishing.  It was quiet and still and a refreshing-but-infrequent breeze delighted me.  

I cherish moments like these.

My friends in China are ending their day as we prepare to begin ours.  The sun sets in the east as it rises in the west.  I feel closer to them by being here. I wonder how my students are doing?  Most have graduated now and are moving on with their lives.  They write of the sorrow of college days ending. Some are studying furiously in preparation for post-graduate exams! Others have returned home to sort out the rest of their lives.  Still others have found jobs in distant cities and are stretching their wings.  A small fraction are already engaged in post-graduate studies.

My heart still frequently walks the streets of Changchun!  I visit Yitong He where I walked so many times along the river!  I hurry up the sidewalk along Weixing Liu as I did so many times on my way to classes.  I wander down Vendor Street (my selected name) and smell the foods being prepared by the street vendors.  I stop and peruse the items on their tables.  I listen to the banter over prices for fruits and vegetables.  I remember the feeling of adventure of being so far from home.  I saunter down the long hall to our twelfth floor apartment and reflect on the comfort and simplicity of our China home!  I look out our windows at the massive, red Chinese characters on the tops of the surrounding buildings.  I see hundreds of older people walking and talking their way around South Campus in the early morning!

It's real to me.

How glad I am that we spent those years teaching in China.  How much I appreciate the cultural experiences we had.  I miss the food!  I reflect on the challenges.  I ponder our trips!  I remember my classroom experiences and the relationships with students.  I smile as I reflect on the animated discussions that took place during my morning 'Free-Talk' gatherings.  I remember the passion and creativity of my students!

Going there was a huge and fearful adventure for us - but oh, how glad I am that we took the plunge! My life is so enriched.

We rarely talk of it now.  Very few inquire of our experiences.  We just passed a year of being back in the states.  Our lives have acclimated through many painful experiences to our present state.  We have a new home.  I've been at my new job for a year.  Life is different than its ever been before.

Because my work is over an hour away, building deep relationships is a huge challenge.  Outside of family, we haven't really developed new friendships. Relationships with old friends are awkward and infrequent.  In some ways, I feel like a transient;  three days there and four days here.  My life is new in ways I don't quite know how to handle.

I seem to be balancing between two worlds - both somewhat foreign to me. I'm struggling to find a new comfort zone.  Home doesn't feel quite like home. My heart feels different than its ever felt before.

The early hints of dawn are now broadening into full cloud cover.  No sunrise is visible this morning, but the light filters through.  I find a porch swing at the beach entrance and mull over my thoughts and feelings............
I miss Travis more than I can describe!