But Mom (Hazel Haire) was my 'hand's on' parent! Her impact was persistent and powerful! Her constant love for the Lord led her to be deeply involved in our local church. When I was a teen, she was a key leader in the Pittsburgh Conference Women's Missionary Society. Her passion for missions was epic! We frequently had missionaries stay in our home overnight or for a few days!
In addition, she was deeply committed to prayer! Her Bible is still filled with lists of people that she was regularly praying for. She cultivated in me a passion for God and for the things He cared about. She poured endless time and energy into preparation for mission events. She planned and executed "This Is Your Life" programs for a number of missionaries and other church leaders.
I still possess notebooks in which she tucked away magazine clippings, bulletin items, scriptures, sermon notes, and other items that she didn't want to lose track of. I wonder if she had a dream of someday collating much of this information into a book-form? She inculcated a similar practice in me that has resulted in a massive, alphabetized electronic file that has fueled my sermons and teaching for decades!
She died a little over a year after having a heart-valve replaced. The surgery had been successful, but the anti-rejection medications eventually took her life. She died less than two months after Tracibeth was born. The date was October 10, 1981. I was 29.
Losing her had a massive impact on my life! Essentially, Troy and Tracie have no memories that include her! :-( Travis had some memories of her deep love for him! I understand that this is one of the results of being the youngest in my family; however, knowing that my children missed out on her tremendous influence and love has been a chronic point of sorrow for me!
For years after her death, I experienced a bout of depression when October rolled around. Even though over thirty-five years have passed, I still can't get past an October 10th without missing her deeply!
Then, two years ago, early October was marked even more deeply by Travis' death! We got word of his cardiac arrest on October 5, 2015. It was just past 3:30 PM and I was about to get in the car when Troy put his hand on my chest and said, "Dad, you're not going to Kittanning today." That's when our world collapsed...
By 8:30 PM, remarkably, we were on an airplane headed for Honolulu. The next day we arrived at the hospital to stand by his bedside and weep. He died three days later on October 9.
The next weeks went by like a blur. There was a memorial service at the Pearl Harbor Chapel attended by his work associates and friends. There was the funeral at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Through it all - we were numb.
The first anniversary of these dates was difficult. We (Debbie, me, Troy, Tracie and Josh) mourned together via text. We upheld one another with words of affection and prayers of concern. We were all deeply hurting.
This year has been different. Debbie and I spent a quiet week at a condo in North Carolina. She hardly went out at all. I ventured out for some hiking. We were quiet all week. We both did a lot of reading and napping. Troy and Missy attended a retreat in Arizona for the siblings of lost military members. I guess we're all finding our way through this the best we can...
Since Travis passed, our 'highs' aren't near as high and our 'lows' are much lower! Neither of us are as social as we used to be. Even Debbie, who has carried me relationally for over forty-four years, now often suggests that we just 'take a pass' on interactive engagements.
Many others have been down this road before us. They report that the pain lessens with the passing of time. I guess we can attest to that to some degree, however, the knowledge that our precious son is gone can assault us at the most unsuspecting moments.
We live with questions that can't be answered or are too difficult to ask... Times of real joy - that used to regularly punctuate our lives - are extremely rare now.
Somewhere in my training as a counselor, I read that one must talk of your lost loved one for one-hundred hours to facilitate the healing process. However, most people - understandably - are reluctant to bring up Travis' name for fear of causing us pain. A corrective to this scenario is: WE LOVE TALKING ABOUT OUR SON!
I recently had a chance to talk with our nephew, Colin Bredl, who is also serving as an officer in the United States Navy. I shared a number of 'Travis stories' with him. I don't know what he thought of my candor. It was therapeutic for me to talk with Colin. Upon Travis' death, his Commander heard about Colin; some phone calls were made and Colin was granted 'leave' to travel to Annapolis for the funeral. It meant a lot to us to have him there!
I weep. I hold Debbie when she weeps. We occasionally lay awake at night in sullen sorrow. Sometimes we speak; other times we just hold hands. All of the time we lean on the One who loves us most:
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve said
goodbye
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain
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