Would You Still Love Me?

Confession is good for the soul - right?  James writes: "Get into the habit of confessing your sins to one another."

One of the toughest questions I've had to contend with lately is: "How are you?", or its kissing cousin, "How are things going?"

I know that these questions are only cultural mores. I know that the person expects a perfunctory response such as "Fine".  But to say that I'm fine when I'm not feels like deception. So goes my daily struggle.

Years ago I read a book by John Powell. It was titled, "Why am I afraid to tell you who I really am?"  I know - it's a really long title!  Toward the end of the book a young lady answers this question:  "Because if I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, it's all I have."

Baring one's soul is not socially acceptable - not even in church;  which is kind of a shame (based on the above scripture).

So, if I'm candid here - or painfully honest - will you still love me?

I've told several people lately that the last month wasn't the worst month of my life, but it does rank in the bottom three. Having to move twice in a month is a bummer - not to mention exhausting. But it's not really about the moving. It's mostly about having to leave a job and a city that I genuinely loved!

I knew our time was limited. I know I'm fortunate that Debbie was willing to stay for three years!  I'm grateful for that!  The fact remains that I didn't want to leave. I'll be honest;  the school could not offer me a new contract because of new age rules in our province. To continue in my role, we would have had to move to another province.

Still, I would have welcomed that!

We recently watched a Steve Martin/Goldie Hawn movie, "Out Of Towners".  In this movie, their trip to NYC turns into a nightmare!  Watching this movie seems to have triggered a déjà vu experience for us. Several times we expressed to each other our desire for something to go right!  It rarely did.

I didn't handle this well. I became angry and then depressed.

Too truthful for you?  Maybe you should bail out and go back to Facebook?

I've been in the dark for weeks now. I really want to go back to China to continue teaching - but that's not an option. It may never be - and I have to accept that.

A lot of things haven't gone the way I expected or wanted since July 26th (the day we left Changchun).

But, life goes on. I'm trying to rally. Some days I manage to feel a little hopeful;  other days - I fall back into the rut.

The chaos of our lives has destroyed the disciplines of my life. Much-needed solitude has been quarantined by the manifold daily demands.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel - I hope it's not the headlight of an oncoming train! Boxes are being unpacked. Jobs are getting done in our little trailer.  We have two vehicles now.  Order is slowly but surely returning. Another month and we may even be able to find some of the things we need!  That'll be cool.

In the meantime, I'm trying my best to climb out of the pit and accept my present circumstances. Progress is slow!

Sorry!  I know you want a strong, happy ending - but I just can't give you that today. Give me a couple months- or maybe longer.

So, how about it?  Do you still love me?