Helping the Grieving

I can only write from one perspective:  mine.  These thoughts may apply to others who are grieving - I'll let you decide.

When you ask me, "How are you doing?", you inadvertently put pressure on me to lie.  It would take me an hour to honestly answer that question.  To keep from burdening you and to protect you from my pain, I will usually answer:  "I'm ok." - but actually I'm not.

So, what are you to do?

I have been very comforted a few times by someone who took my hand and looked me in the eye.  In some cases not a word was said, but our hearts communicated.  It was a genuine expression of sympathy.

Christians tend to rely on the always acceptable, "I'm praying for you."  This is good and I do appreciate the intent - especially if I perceive it is heart-felt and real.  But, may I suggest instead that you actually take one-minute and pray with me?  With just a few quick sentences, lift me to God in a personal way.  For instance:  "Father, I believe my friend, Hal, is hurting from losing Travis.  I can't comfort him as much as I want to so I lift him to You, Father.  Comfort him from the inside through the mighty power of Your Holy Spirit.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."   [Use your judgment with this practice.  I would appreciate it, however, some might be embarrassed by it.  In that case maybe you could offer to pray with them in a more private place or over lunch.]

There's another great idea!  Just do lunch with me and give me a chance to talk.  I need to talk!  It facilitates my healing.  Gently, ask me about my son and what made him so special to me.  Listen as I speak and respond empathically.

I'm a pretty honest guy.  If you ask me how I'm doing today on a scale of 1-10, I'll tell you.  If I respond with a really low number, maybe you could follow with: 
"Where are your thoughts today?"
[If you have the time] "  "Can you help me understand why you're feeling so low today?"
"I'm sorry you're feeling low today, could I just say a quick prayer with you?"

Feel free to share a special memory you may have of my son.  I love hearing stories of how he blessed, helped or impacted others.  Don't be afraid to use his name with me.  I love his name and enjoy hearing it.  And, by the way, if you have time I'd love to tell you more about my son!

I've received lots of very short email messages and, of course, Facebook posts reporting that people are thinking of us and praying for us.  I appreciate every one of these.  We've also received a stack of cards about six inches thick!  When someone chooses a card, writes a note in it, puts a stamp on it and carries it to the post office - it weighs really heavy in my book!  Plus, we can read these repeatedly during our grieving process! 

Just don't be afraid of me!  I'm distressed but not destroyed!  Don't avoid me.  Simply your smile communicates volumes to me.  Words aren't always the best vehicle to express sympathy.  Yes, I'm hurting, but I'm also determined to go forward. 

Way back in 1976, when I was student-pastoring my first church - the Tunnel Hill FMC in English, Indiana - I was called on to do my first funeral.  I overheard a remark as someone greeted the widow.  "Legaitha, our arms are too short and our words are too long!"  Well said!